It just kills me how she can be so hard hearted, and angry, and apathetic after 8 months of separation. She knows that I have shouldered and acknowledged what I have done, she knows that I have been deeply remorseful and apologetic, she knows that I have tried to make amends, and I have clearly and consistently shown her that I'm not like I used to be anymore. It doesn't matter at all to her! "You're still the same, you're still manipulative, you haven't changed, you will never change"! She said she wants 'closure' and has even encouraged me to 'move on' and find somebody else and "learn from your mistakes"! Dang! She is like a different woman than the one I've known all these years!
First, I understand, but you are completely focused on HER and what SHE thinks. You have to get away from that. You have no control over it and it shows you are still attached to her. I really do understand, and I'm not jumping on you. But it is what it is. Focus on yourself and detach. Doesn't mean you won't hurt. You will.
Second, you can't do anything about the past. That's done. People CAN change. But you can't make her accept and believe you have. That's her problem. If she refuses to see it, and you really have changed, she's a fool.
Third, if she is not the woman you fell in love with and M'd, do you want her? God knows I understand the connection. But look real closely at what that connection is. Is it that you truly love her? Is it that you don't want to lose your family? Or, is it that you are fearful of D - that she's the best you'll ever do and no one worthy will ever want you?
One of the most amazing things I have learned is to like myself again. I honestly didn't before. And it showed. Once I got to know me again, and made myself a better person, I found I really liked who I am. That built my confidence and self esteem back to where they should have been all along. And, it helped me realize that I am worthy of love, real love, not the conditional support some think is love. And, it helped me realize that if my W does not want to work on HER issues, I could do better. And, I WILL.
If you W won't work on her issues, and you have corrected yours, then SHE is the problem at this point. So, let go of the past. Everyone here is 50% of the reason they are here.
The strength to change yourself and, more importantly, to BELIEVE in yourself, IS there, if you know where to look for it.
