Over the Shock and GALing 6

[antlers]

Anger: I hate the absolute apathy I get from her recently. Her attitude says "I don't care if you are in my life or not, just don't interrupt or bother me."

Mine still has a TON of anger towards me. And apathy. She despises any reference at all to any pain or hurt that I might have as result of her leaving and/or divorcing me.

[givingitmyall]

Antlers,

Then (a) you have a clean conscience and (b) regardless of what happens, YOU have succeded.

[antlers]

Antlers,

Then (a) you have a clean conscience and (b) regardless of what happens, YOU have succeded.

I have a clean conscience about trying to save the marriage. But I feel the regret and remorse, very heavily, about my behavior that lead up to her leaving. I can't stop thinking about these things. It all came back, all those bad emotions, when she told me she was/had filed for divorce. I felt strong as an ox on Sept. 30 and for months before that...and on Oct. 1 when she told me she was/did file for divorce, it slammed me so hard that I now feel like I did shortly after she left! I feel like I'm alone in the world, and my core value has plummeted. My self-worth and self-esteem are non-existant. Now, we're goiNg to have to go through those awful legal proceedings that will bring a finality to the situation. She has even encouraged my to 'move on' and find someone else and "learn from your experiences and don't make the same mistakes"! I don't feel like much of a 'success' right now.

ps - Thank You givingitmyall for being here and responding. I'm hurting a lot right now.

[Thinker]

She has even encouraged my to 'move on' and find someone else and "learn from your experiences and don't make the same mistakes"! I don't feel like much of a 'success' right now.

ps - Thank You givingitmyall for being here and responding. I'm hurting a lot right now.

I'm sorry to hear that Antlers. Those comments in particular are hurtful because she is saying that you haven't learned yet - when we all know you have been doing just that.

Take care of yourself.

[antlers]

She has even encouraged my to 'move on' and find someone else and "learn from your experiences and don't make the same mistakes"! I don't feel like much of a 'success' right now.

ps - Thank You givingitmyall for being here and responding. I'm hurting a lot right now.

I'm sorry to hear that Antlers. Those comments in particular are hurtful because she is saying that you haven't learned yet - when we all know you have been doing just that.

Take care of yourself.

Yep, I have. But it means nothing to her. "You are still the same manipulative person that you have always been. You haven't changed and you never will. It's all about you."
It's almost like she needs to keep herself convinced of that in order to justify her actions. It seems like she needs to keep hating me to make herself feel better about what she is doing.

I'll continue to do my best. I tried hard, and then became able, to stay positive through the separation by making changes in how I think about things and becoming mentally and physically strong.

[Kettricken]

"You are still the same manipulative person that you have always been. You haven't changed and you never will. It's all about you."
It's almost like she needs to keep herself convinced of that in order to justify her actions. It seems like she needs to keep hating me to make herself feel better about what she is doing.

This is an entirely plausible reading of the situation. Given that, accept that at this point there may be nothing you can or could do. If she is fighting with some animal in her own head or continuing to fight in the past, there's nothing you can do to fix it; time or a sea change in her perceptions are the only hope you have.

OTOH, if you do have a history of manipulative behavoir (can't recall the details of your sitch), it takes a long time to ditch those habits completely. So be open to making tweaks in communication, etc, but again, you're only human.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to detach your family/marital status from your self-worth as an individual. Hurt, but don't hate yourself for it. You tried and are trying and continue to seek counsel; what more can you ask of yourself?

[antlers]

"You are still the same manipulative person that you have always been. You haven't changed and you never will. It's all about you."
It's almost like she needs to keep herself convinced of that in order to justify her actions. It seems like she needs to keep hating me to make herself feel better about what she is doing.

This is an entirely plausible reading of the situation. Given that, accept that at this point there may be nothing you can or could do. If she is fighting with some animal in her own head or continuing to fight in the past, there's nothing you can do to fix it; time or a sea change in her perceptions are the only hope you have.

OTOH, if you do have a history of manipulative behavoir (can't recall the details of your sitch), it takes a long time to ditch those habits completely. So be open to making tweaks in communication, etc, but again, you're only human.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to detach your family/marital status from your self-worth as an individual. Hurt, but don't hate yourself for it. You tried and are trying and continue to seek counsel; what more can you ask of yourself?

I thinks it's a pretty correct reading of the situation. At this point, there is nothing that I can do. Others have told me that they think she is fighting her own issues...but I do think that those issues stem from the way I treated her for many years. Just being honest. And it pisses off people who care about me when they hear me say that. I've done everything in my power to 'fix it'. Time, or a change in her perceptions...are the only hope that I did have up until the call on Oct. 1. Since then, my hope has been snatched away from me.

I had a history of resentful, angry, and abusive (verbal and emotional) behavior. And it included being manipulative at times. But I have changed to the point where I no longer am any of those ways...and I have shown it clearly and consistently. Everyone, except for her, accepts and believes it. It seems beneficial to her to not accept or believe it. I am always open to getting better and doing better.

We all know that things are easier said than done. Still, we need to 'do' them. My self-worth is tied to my family and marital status. I feel like a failure. I really am stumped as to what else I could have done, after the fact, to save/salvage it. I did everything in my power. I'm trying not to hate myself for messing up so bad over the years.

[Thinker]

My self-worth is tied to my family and marital status. I feel like a failure.

I think this is an issue we all face. The easy advice we all get / give is "take care of yourself" and "separate your self worth from your marital status", but the fact is that we spend almost all of our time and our energy supporting and taking care of our family. Of course our self-worth is tied up in it.

[antlers]

My self-worth is tied to my family and marital status. I feel like a failure.

I think this is an issue we all face. The easy advice we all get / give is "take care of yourself" and "separate your self worth from your marital status", but the fact is that we spend almost all of our time and our energy supporting and taking care of our family. Of course our self-worth is tied up in it.

BINGO!

[aliveandkicking]

This is so tough.