My W's affair led the OM's W to attempt suicide early last week. My W justifies it by saying the OMW is bipolar and a psycho and therefore would have tried to kill herself anyway. (My W's family and I agree that she is quickly becoming a psycho herself).
My question is this. If the A continues (which I suspect it is online), do I have an obligation to try and warn the OMW's parents to safeguard their daughter. The OMW's parents (his in-laws) are also his employers at an agricultural business (I won't be specific.) Following her suicide attempt, and the realization that their son-in-law was having an A, they supposedly fired him, cut him off financially, and then demanded he come back to his W's side if he wants his job back.
I only know this from what my W told me, so frankly I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. She insists the A was over last week, when his in-laws forced him to break it off with my W.
However, the OM and my W are still listed as friends on FaceBook. She now has a new cellphone on the same carrier as him (so I couldn't follow it anymore). Given the intensity of their A -- 4,000 text messages in a 4 week period + 4 sexual encounters from a 200-mile distance -- I don't believe for a second that it is over.
My M is over. No amount of MC could fix this. Now I have to focus on doing what is right for my 3 children under 4yo. But I feel like the OMW's family needs to demand of him a high level of accountability if they hope to save their hurting daughter from further harm. She has children too, and my W was not the 1st time this dirtbag had cheated on his W.
I'm considering calling the OM's father-in-law to suggest he: delete the Facebook connection between my W and the OM, insist on reviewing all cell/email records of the OM, and begin holding him accountable for all his travel.
I realize that there's no airtight way of preventing contact. And I realize I can't stop my W. IMO, after the D, she's welcome to him. BUT, the OMW's life is in grave danger, and I feel compelled to do something.
Im in no way suggesting that your W has made all this up. Why does your W feel the need to talk to you about this? I think calling the OMs FIL is a bad idea. 1. you dont really know what is going on and could create more problems for everyone involved. 2. The last person they prob want to hear from is you or your W. They are taking care of their daughter. Ultimately, she is the only one they care about. Not you, or her H or your W.
You CAN NOT control what your W does. You need to stay out of this drama. It's very sad that the OMW attempted suicide. She needs help and it sounds like HER family is taking care of that. I think you will cause more problems for her. The last thing she needs is the affair being thrown into her face again. Leave it alone. That may sound callous but she is being cared for.
Now YOU need to take care of YOURSELF. Stop letting your W drag you into her drama. Because , im sorry, but that's exactly what she is doing. Have you been GALing? Staying upbeat and detached when your W is around? If you have and this is her attempt to get a reaction from you. Bad news, but she won this round. STOP REACTING. If you havent, she is STILL WINNING. So Stop it.
If I sound unfeeling and mean Im sorry for that. I sympathize with the OMW and her family. If you feel you need to support her, do so in your own heart and mind. Not publicly.
It is easier to focus on drama than it is to feel your own pain. You will have to feel your own pain at some point. Do yourself a favour and concentrate on you being a healthy and noble role model for your kids.
Don't interfere with the OMW's family. they know the facts now. There's nothing you can (or should) do to help. It could blow up in your face at the very least.
Leave it alone. Dusk said it very well. I just wanted to chime in so you have another opinion.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Having been in OMW's shoes and also attempting suicide I would say that her family will be well aware of what is going on. They might not understand FB etc. but they will be looking for signs of continued contact.
OW in my sitch also stated I was bi-polar and psycho and deranged, ( she had to justify her two faced actions somehow). I even still have a letter that OW's father wrote to my H when my H broke it off with OW, going on about how frightened his daughter was by what a woman in my mental state would do- if she was that frightened she would never have messed in my M in the first place. It's complete crap. OMW's life has just fallen apart - as has yours.
I did speak to OW's H a couple of times and we drew some comfort from one another BUT remember that OP's S is never your friend; they always have their own interests at heart and will put those first. So if you do talk to anyone about this I would suggest it is the OM's W - I suspect she is nowhere near as fragile as your W is making out.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Consider keeping your posts on ONE thread so it's easier to follow. If the subject matter changes, you can change the title in the post rather than the complete thread.
Like Purple said, this is a way of deflecting your pain, disbelief and betrayal. It's always easier to help someone rather than focus on yourself.
You have nothing to do with the relationship between your wife's lover and his wife. That only adds to the drama and fuels the flames. Affairs are about drama, huge emotions and adventure. Each illicit couple is in it for their own reasons because of a loss or void they feel in their lives (note: NOT marriage.. their lives.). The individual is responsible for their own happiness and/or misery not their partner.
Pull the wick from the candle to annihilate the flames.
Cut to the facts.
You and your wife are equally responsible for where you are in your marriage. Families of multiple births run a higher risk of divorce. Children born at the same time increase the stress and fatigue of the parents. Add a toddler to the mix and you're both exhausted mentally and physically.
During the throes of divorce, my former spouse called me a 'sh!tty wife'. That upset me until I realized that I had been. Not in the way he intended, though. He was always gone, ensconced with his high level job. I should have called him on his behavior, taken accountability for mine and put the marriage on the line.
In a perfect world couples would be straightforward with the good and the bad and deal with problems directly. That rarely happens. Hurt becomes misery which leads to deceit.. first within yourself followed by with another. Affairs rarely start out intentionally. Once they get going though.. oh what a relief it is to have that escape. And distractions can be physical, emotional, workaholics, etc... anything that helps you zone out.
Focus on your own health.. mental, physical, spiritual. Consider counseling, even DB counseling (they're able to give you incredibly positive advice). If medication to get you through this period of chaos is suggested, consider it. Your brain is unable to produce enough serotin during highly stressful periods. You want to be in a GOOD place to make GOOD decisions. And this is a situation you never imagined yourself in. Think twice about involving family. My brother and sister who've been through their own travails were very helpful because they did not try to 'fix' me or take away the pain.
Learn to listen to your inner voice, your bullshit meter. If something seems wrong, if you're getting tied up on knots, look for the trigger. This is a new beginning one of painful awareness and incredible growth.
You're worth it.
*hugs*
Take a deep breath. And another. Consider how you want to approach this.. like Chicken Little or as an adult. It's tough to do when everything is so bewildering, shocking and hurtful. Reach out for support from good friends who are willing to care and whack you upside the head as needed.
