Shes definitely been trying to angle for as much time as she can. She's been receptive to my insistence that we put our needs aside and do "what's best" for him. (Funny, the alien is telling her that leaving home is what's best for him???) We've agreed that she is moving, not him. That he will live in our home with me, that we will share parenting decisions and custody. He will sleep at our house Sun-Thurs nights. When she has him sleep at her place on the alternate weekends, he will sleep over on Sunday, and she will drop him off at AM daycare. She will pick him up from PM daycare 2 nights a week, play, do homework and have dinner with him, and then bring him home by 7:30 to get ready for bed. We will have a little family time together when she brings him home, but she will not be part of his bedtime routine here at home.
Now for the new twist... Yesterday she suggested that we not alternate weekends with him as far as a mine/hers weekend. She suggested that we keep our weekend routine exactly the same as it has been for many months now. Basically, we continue to do things together (soccer), and plan our weekends with him around each others needs and schedules. I take him someplace in the morning, she takes him in the afternoon... The only real difference is where he's sleeping at night. It was hard to find anything wrong with that plan that wasn't based on self interest. My son gets to see both Mom and Dad during the weekend, and none of us have to go more than about 24 hours without seeing each other. It's a win/win/win.
I guess the only real drawback is from a Divorce Busting standpoint, she needs to come out of the fog and realize and take responsibility for her decision to leave. Not having my son around all the time was one sure way of getting her to see that the fantasy isn't all she thinks it will be. But I said from the outset that his needs come above all others, and this is a great thing for him. Perhaps it's a little cake-eating on her part, but in the end, even if she never is able to heal and we are never able to reconcile and renew our marriage the way I still believe we can, we will always be a family and the stronger a family we are, the better it will be for my son. I'll draw boundaries for her in the house and in other regards, but I will not use my son as a pawn or tool in this, and will always act in his best interests and ours as a family.
I still believe you have to walk a fine line with this. Not having any expectations also means not giving any. Your W wanted this, and although on the outside it may look like the best thing for your S, it's not. Especially at his age, it may cause more confusion than anything. He may end up having an expectation of Mommy and Daddy working together and it may hurt him more in the long run if it doesn't. I know that is not something you want to think about, but it is a possibility and you have to be prepared.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I hear you LolaL. I'm still puzzling this through. You're right, it's a very fine line between boundraies and limits for she and I, and cooperative parenting and time with mommy and daddy. Thus far, we've handle things with no anger or negativity, other than she's moving out. I'm leaning towards contiuning that, hoping we can continue to cooperate with each other.
My W & I are in the process of trying to figure out our custody situation with our 4 year old S. She's the one moving out (her choice) and right now it looks like I'll have him Wed-Sat and she'll have him Sat-Tues. (We'll split Saturdays.)
I hate to break up his routine & pull him out of the only home he's ever known...but we both want to see him & a 50/50 split was the best we could do.
I also have concerns about her having a house key once she moves out. I don't think it's right & I'll make sure that doesn't happen. She's already mentioned moving all her "big" items & starting to sleep at her new apt...then coming back to the house for her "smaller", non-essential items as time permits. Personally, I don't want her in the house once she moves out. Not trying to be a jerk but why should I make this any easier on her? It's her choice to break up our family.
WGU...I think you're handling things the right way. I wish my W saw the importance of our S staying in his home during the week.
Last edited by etrain; 10/22/0904:55 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
