Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

Hi futureunknown.

First, thank you for responding and being here. Right now, I feel very lonely...like I'm by myself in the world.

I'm getting by, and doing the best I can under the circumstances. Yeah, I've put a lot into this...and there was a strong streak of hope there. But, after the communication that we've had recently, and her filing for divorce...she has taken that hope away. I'm not looking forward to the legal procedures that we will surely have to go through. Yeah, I was feeling physically and mentally strong...and in one swift motion she has slemmed me into the ground. I feel completely different than I did before she called and told me that she filed for divorce.

I know. The strength that I felt before this was real. I hope I'll get back there sooner than I think. I so want to. I'm trying to do what you're saying, but I can't stop my mind from racing. I can't seem to stop thinking about stuff. It hurts bad. It sure feels like the end! We've been living apart for nearly 8 months now. She said she wants "closure".

Our marriage was broken too, very broken. We both know that. I went to work, really, before we separated. I have changed for the better, in many ways...that's for sure. It means nothing to her though...she says, still, that I'm manipulative and that I haven't changed at all and that I never will! She still has so much anger and resentment towards me...even after these 8 months have passed. I really don't understand it. She hangs onto it like a security blanket. And I've noticed that she seems to have some guilt that she's dealing with...she tells me that I'm trying to make her feel guilty and trying to make her "look like the bad guy" in this situation. She's mad that her father and I still communicate too! She's overly concerned about "looking like the bad guy" to others. Splitting up the marital assets is going to be an awful thing. The retirement accounts, the equity in our home (that she left back in Feb.)...not to mention our 11 and 12 y/o children. So far, custody has been completely 50-50. She has turned into a person that is very, very different from the woman I've known all these years. It feels like, once these awful legal proceedings start up and become ongoing...that it's definately going to be 'the end' of any possibility that we will ever be together again. She has told me that we will "never" be together again many times. I don't understand how she could be congenial over the summer at times, visiting and talking face to face, and then harden up and be as hard hearted as she is right now. She is completely resolute and matter of fact. Is she infected by the past, first and foremost? Can she not get past it? Is there somebody else? I really don't know. Since she left, she hates any reference to any hurt that I might have...I mean it pisses her off..."poor you". I see the legal process, right now, as a definate endpoint...letting me know that she really, really has no intention at all of any reconciliation...ever! I don't need her...but I really wanted her, and my family back.

This is awful.


ps - I really appreciate you being here and responding. I need it, right now especially.