I don't think you are bi-polar at all. I believe you will experience several different types of emotions while you are going through all of this bad stuff. Don't be so hard on yourself. You beat yourself up b/c you are having human emotions that are very normal under the circumstances you are in at this time.
If anyone can be shocked by their own thoughts or actions.....I am that person! I'm so glad you feel that you can come here to vent. When you are feeling weak and need a place to go....this is it. Good for you. Now, put that club down and give yourself a break.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I suspect that if you are reading all of these posts you think I am bi-polar or have split personalities because of the ying and tang of my emmotions in my posts.
Not at all! I've been reading along. You're normal. It's The Roller Coaster, not The (Bi) Polar Express. You'll have my prayer Monday. What time you going?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I know I'm not bi-polar, and I've had the same up-and-down feelings. From what I can tell, everyone on here has.
Here's maybe why yesterday was so tough. You left the movie and a note and she didn't take them. Probably part of you, even a small part of you, was really hoping she'd watch it and see.
I've had several people ask me if I've watched Fireproof and asked Bev to watch it. I've never asked her. I don't even know if she knows about the movie. It's the only non-pursuing thing I haven't done.
It's impossible to stay up every day. And the downs are really down. I was going out of my mind Wednesday because my wife went out with friends while I had the girls.
Why? Jealousy. And it was hypocritical jealousy because I went out with my friends Thursday.
We are all damaged people -- even the well adjusted ones. Don't beat yourself up. Just do better tomorrow. You already have a better attitude towards mediation than I'm going to have when my time comes.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Thanks. I've said before, in these posts, that I am writing much of this for the purpose of convincing myself that I believe it. I don't want a divorce. I want my wife and family back. I would do anything for that.
The problem is that I have ben here before. We've gone through this before, though not to this point. We've told people we are divorcing. We have an appt. with a mediator. Everytime something bad happens, I find something hopeful. The Mediator sai she just wanted to know about next steps. That means she didn't ask the mediator to have papers ready to sign. Somehow I think that is a good sign. It's probably just wishful thinking.
I know she took w weding ring, which had been in the jewlery box for a month. I know she didn't pawn it or toss it.
She has been fair in talking about our divorce. Split custody, split placement, assets are split 50/50...retirements are ours to keep, etc... She's not heartless in all of this.
I have returned to church and feel so good about that. I do believe in God, though I would certainly consider myself a liberal christian. I wish I hadn't stopped going, it keeps me centered.
Why did I look at porn and personals online? We didn't have much of a sex life. I felt us drifting apart, at least in hindsight I can see it. I did nothing to stop it. Even though I thought I was...I'd clean the house, I figured out how to buy this big beautiful dream house, etc... But I never worked to really keep the love alive, tough I thought that is what I was doing.
I'm ashamed, feel 100% to blame for this (though I know I am not, but I feel that way) and just want a 2nd last chance. A year ago she was very clear with me...this is your LAST chance. Now I want another one. Would I give me one if I was her? I'd love to say yes, but I honestly probably would not.
Fireproof is a good movie. I never met anyone or even cooresponded with anyone. I looked, and while that may make me feel better about this, it still violated my wife's trust and I hurt her.
I'm so sad and just want to make things right.
I am doing things I have never done before. I am getting counseling for the abuse I expereinced as a child. I am talking about why I did the things I did. I am trying to let her go; but I am struggling with that.
The kids know. That is huge to me. They know we are headed for divorce now and so that makes me realize that this is real. IN the past, I slept on the couch, or she went someplace for a few days before returning home. Now it is really over...at least right now it is. See, even that sentance is hope. I can't rely on hope...it kills me. I need to move on, but if I move on, what if she changes her mind and I have moved on and don't want to get back together? I can't believe that would ever be the case (me not wanting it), but I know how this works...once you move on, feelings start to subside.
I feel like she has moved on, she's done so in anger, and I know that the anger needs time to subside. It doesn't help that her mom has told her that to get through this she needs to stay angry at me.
It's early in the day, I need to stay positive so I can be a good dad for my kids. But the day is starting off rough and I just want this all to be over.
People who want out of a M are not going to be receptive to reading books or watching movies or listening to groups about MR. They want no part of it. If they were wanting to reconcile, they would go to a M retreat or counseling to get help. At this point, all this type of intervention works against what you are wanting. The WAS absolutely sees these efforts as somebody who a group has surprised with an "intervention" hoping to get them to accept there terms. That is pressure like you would not believe! Many WAS will agree to go along with some of these things but it won't have the desired effect.
When the LBS will stop pursuing with these types of things and work the DBing principles instead, then (and not before) will he likely see desired effects. The hardest thing for a WAS is to stop doing what the WAS sees as pursuing. I don't think the LBS even sees half of these things as pursuing b/c he/she is so desparate in trying to find something that will get their S to stay in the M. What they don't seem to "get" is that they are steadily pushing the WAS out the door.
One more thing......what makes for a good movie is not always what works in life. From what I have heard, a lot of LBS have had their WAS go to see the movie mentioned, and it would really touch the LBS.....but did not change the heart of the WAS. So, something to think about. Notice my signature change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I shouldn't have done it, but I still feel okay about having done it. When I decided to do it, it was my "last attempt" even though I was trying to use the DB principles already.
I'm done with that. I know I need to completly release her and let God do what is right.
I'm looking at homes today. Thinking of what possibilities might be our there for me once we sell our new house.
She's done it, so I know she is moving on. I need to as well.
If an opportunity comes along with my W, then I will need to evaluate that then.
Well, things are going okay today. I took the kids to the local thrift store and bought some trinkets that made them happy. I found a book about creating two homes for your kids. So, I bought it and will start reading it.
It's a dreary day, so staying positive is tough.
I saw a friend there and talked about my situation. It was good to talk to someone. He's close to my age and never married; but he's pretty smart when it comes to relationships. His dad's a pastor, so he's a pretty level headed guy who has a good outlook on life.
I am still committed to letting my W go. I am committed to going to mediation on Monday and being a friend. I don't think we are getting into anything to deep on Monday, but if we do, I will be prepared. I'm trying to determine how much information I should have ready on Monday. I'm a planner, so I can have our taxes, paystubs, bills, etc, all ready...but I don't want to appear like I WANT this divorce either.
I guess I can prepare them and if they aren't requested, I don't have to present them.
I'd love to go hang out with friends...and it saddens me that I am saying that when I have my kids...because when I am away and can see my friends, all I want is to see my kids. Why do we work like that? It's always greener on the otherside of the fence. It's honestly not.
Back to playing with the kids. Maybe it is movie time.
Talked with my W today on the phone. The kids called to say hi. She's visiting her dad (her parents divorced at about the same point in their marriage, with kids at about the same ages as us now). It's a good break for her. I like her dad. Her mom has told her to "keep angry if you plan to follow through with divorce"...great advice, huh?
Anyway, the conversation was fine, we discussed mediation on Monday, like I said earlier, she plans to file paperwork Monday, so I will be prepared for that. Not sure what will happen though.
I ended the call...something I never do. I told her that I needed to go and that she should have a good weekend and safe trip home and I would see her Monday at 10:00 (at our appointment with the Mediator).
I went to the video store to get some movies. Got the "Story of Us", probably not the best movie, but one I have watched in the past and feel like seeing how disasters can turn around tonight.
Tomorrow is church, and I am looking forward to that. The kids and I cuddled and watched movies today (rainy dreary day outside). We'll do more of that tonight.
Does anyone have any good recommentations for movies for a guy in my situation. I realize divorce is on the horizon, I don't want it, but also don't want to be one of those people who can't ever let go. It's only been a month for me and I know I don't want to let go in my heart, but have in my head (i.e. the DB techniques). I guess I am looking for a movie about hope, one way or the other. Watched definitly, Maybe last night...good movie. Something like that.
