Thanks. I've said before, in these posts, that I am writing much of this for the purpose of convincing myself that I believe it. I don't want a divorce. I want my wife and family back. I would do anything for that.
The problem is that I have ben here before. We've gone through this before, though not to this point. We've told people we are divorcing. We have an appt. with a mediator. Everytime something bad happens, I find something hopeful. The Mediator sai she just wanted to know about next steps. That means she didn't ask the mediator to have papers ready to sign. Somehow I think that is a good sign. It's probably just wishful thinking.
I know she took w weding ring, which had been in the jewlery box for a month. I know she didn't pawn it or toss it.
She has been fair in talking about our divorce. Split custody, split placement, assets are split 50/50...retirements are ours to keep, etc... She's not heartless in all of this.
I have returned to church and feel so good about that. I do believe in God, though I would certainly consider myself a liberal christian. I wish I hadn't stopped going, it keeps me centered.
Why did I look at porn and personals online? We didn't have much of a sex life. I felt us drifting apart, at least in hindsight I can see it. I did nothing to stop it. Even though I thought I was...I'd clean the house, I figured out how to buy this big beautiful dream house, etc... But I never worked to really keep the love alive, tough I thought that is what I was doing.
I'm ashamed, feel 100% to blame for this (though I know I am not, but I feel that way) and just want a 2nd last chance. A year ago she was very clear with me...this is your LAST chance. Now I want another one. Would I give me one if I was her? I'd love to say yes, but I honestly probably would not.
Fireproof is a good movie. I never met anyone or even cooresponded with anyone. I looked, and while that may make me feel better about this, it still violated my wife's trust and I hurt her.
I'm so sad and just want to make things right.
I am doing things I have never done before. I am getting counseling for the abuse I expereinced as a child. I am talking about why I did the things I did. I am trying to let her go; but I am struggling with that.
The kids know. That is huge to me. They know we are headed for divorce now and so that makes me realize that this is real. IN the past, I slept on the couch, or she went someplace for a few days before returning home. Now it is really over...at least right now it is. See, even that sentance is hope. I can't rely on hope...it kills me. I need to move on, but if I move on, what if she changes her mind and I have moved on and don't want to get back together? I can't believe that would ever be the case (me not wanting it), but I know how this works...once you move on, feelings start to subside.
I feel like she has moved on, she's done so in anger, and I know that the anger needs time to subside. It doesn't help that her mom has told her that to get through this she needs to stay angry at me.
It's early in the day, I need to stay positive so I can be a good dad for my kids. But the day is starting off rough and I just want this all to be over.
