For those who have been in this sitch, should I expect to hear from her, or will she go dark and enjoy this new found freedom?
I never actually left my home, but I can tell you what I was thinking when I was planning to leave. You have to remember that my children were grown, so it wasn't like H & I were going to be spending time co-parenting and them living in our house, like your children are doing. However, my children & grandchildren live just a few blocks away and drop in often. I said that to say this.....my main objective was privacy. I wanted complete privacy away from my family. I didn't want them dropping in unannounced. I wanted to be completely 100% selfish in every way! I was so messed up that all I could think about was how I would be living my fantasy without any family members to intrude. But I was not being realistic. It didn't occur to me how I might feel when I discovered that they didn't want to come to my place! I would invision myself having "fun" experiencing my very own place without sharing it with anyone (since I had went straight from my parents into M, I had never got to do that). So, I suppose that was part of wanting to relive my youth...IDK.
In the beginning, I think your W will be caught up in getting her place fixed up and adjusting to her new status. It will keep her quite distracted for a while. I noticed that she was contacting you several times already. Now with me & my H.....I always saw him as being Mr. Standby. He was always solid (which was good).....and he was always at home (which wasn't good) and I could reach him and expect him to come to my assistance (which would not be good in this case).
Some people disagree about this technique and they say that the LBH should be the "best friend" and help the WAW replace light fixtures or whatever. But then she'll have you unstopping her toilet and picking up tampons from the store, too. That is not your job anymore. She can hire a plumber and get her own supplies. You have a life of your own now and don't have time to run errands for her. In fact.....the key word here is that you don't have "time" for her b/c you are so busy in your new life. Maybe I should say "distracted" in your new life. I liked the idea of a man fixing up the house the way "he" liked it. Man if that ever makes a statement to a WAW who left her home & family......that sure would! The first time she walks back into the house and see the "male touch" in place of her womanly touch to the home......wow, look out. She will be so shocked that she'll be close to faining at first, and then she may blow another gasket. However, as long as these things are not just so "over-killed" that it looks stupid and she laughs at it, I believe it is a series of these shocks that begin to shake & wake her. As long as everything is going her way in her new place, and her family still adores her, and her H still sits at hom pining away for her.....why should anything expect to change? But when life moves on in a different turn than what she "expected" then she'll see that her dream isn't coming true.
I believe she has to see her fantasy begin to crumble and start to notice this new man who has replaced what use to be her H, who she now discovers herself strangly attracted to....and she is confused b/c that was not how things were "suppose" to go.
That should be your plan. You have to do the things you'll need to do in order to fall within that plan. Understand? Time for very tough love. And....they don't call it "tough" for noth'in! You will have to be careful that you won't feel sorry for her and don't go recue her. If the boys don't want to be with her at first, I don't think you should force them. They are having to deal with this in their own way. She needs to be the one to work out her R with them....it is her problem. If it has nothing to do with the kids, don't discuss things with her....and don't be available. Stick to whatever finacial issues were agreed upon and don't give in to any "loan" b/c she's in a bind.
She will hear plenty about how your life is progressing. Mostly through the kids. That is another reason to do your best work in front of them. Not only as a role model, but a testimony!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
