I agree mishka and GIMA. My W went dark, I did too. I found out later it was just as hard on her as it was me. Try to think of her as little as possible these next few weeks. You will have some good days and some bad. My good days came when I was out with people. My bad came when I was alone. Even if I had the kids, it was good to be out and around other people. You really need to GAL. You will need all the emotional health you can muster.
Well, as of 4:34 she has placed two calls and sent 4 text messages to me. I expected thi and have gone dim - except for the request to speak with the children. The boys and I decided to abandon the Bull riding idea because of traffic and distance, but are going to instead rent a movie and do fun boy stuff (burp, etc...)
Tomorrow is packed with activities and Sunday morning is Church. Hopefully this will keep all of our minds off the WAW.
If for some reason I feel the need to reach out to her, I will instead reach out to the boards. I am in no hurry to speak to her.
Coach, I just finsihed reading the first 2 or three threads of your experience and am glad I now have the knowledge of what you went through. I do have one question, when your W moved out you offered to help. Did you ever go to her place to visit etc..? I was adament about not helping and wonder if I made a mistake there?
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Mishka, it is called Mens Fraternity; the Great Adventure. It is a three year series and I just joined for part three. Wish I had known about 1 and two. I dont know if it is ok to put web sites out here, so I will just give the name of the person - Robert Lewis. I am sure if you google it, you can find it. If you have any trouble, let me know. But you might try , wink , wink, www. the name of the group .com :-)
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Coach, I just finsihed reading the first 2 or three threads of your experience and am glad I now have the knowledge of what you went through. I do have one question, when your W moved out you offered to help. Did you ever go to her place to visit etc..? I was adament about not helping and wonder if I made a mistake there?
SSGA. When she first left she had a furnished house. Then she moved around the corner to a house, I really don't remember. I don't think helping our not makes a big difference. I never went to visit at her place except to pick-up or drop off the kids. It was very hard for me to be detached there.
Very important you stay busy. More so when you don't have the boys.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
For those who have been in this sitch, should I expect to hear from her, or will she go dark and enjoy this new found freedom?
I never actually left my home, but I can tell you what I was thinking when I was planning to leave. You have to remember that my children were grown, so it wasn't like H & I were going to be spending time co-parenting and them living in our house, like your children are doing. However, my children & grandchildren live just a few blocks away and drop in often. I said that to say this.....my main objective was privacy. I wanted complete privacy away from my family. I didn't want them dropping in unannounced. I wanted to be completely 100% selfish in every way! I was so messed up that all I could think about was how I would be living my fantasy without any family members to intrude. But I was not being realistic. It didn't occur to me how I might feel when I discovered that they didn't want to come to my place! I would invision myself having "fun" experiencing my very own place without sharing it with anyone (since I had went straight from my parents into M, I had never got to do that). So, I suppose that was part of wanting to relive my youth...IDK.
In the beginning, I think your W will be caught up in getting her place fixed up and adjusting to her new status. It will keep her quite distracted for a while. I noticed that she was contacting you several times already. Now with me & my H.....I always saw him as being Mr. Standby. He was always solid (which was good).....and he was always at home (which wasn't good) and I could reach him and expect him to come to my assistance (which would not be good in this case).
Some people disagree about this technique and they say that the LBH should be the "best friend" and help the WAW replace light fixtures or whatever. But then she'll have you unstopping her toilet and picking up tampons from the store, too. That is not your job anymore. She can hire a plumber and get her own supplies. You have a life of your own now and don't have time to run errands for her. In fact.....the key word here is that you don't have "time" for her b/c you are so busy in your new life. Maybe I should say "distracted" in your new life. I liked the idea of a man fixing up the house the way "he" liked it. Man if that ever makes a statement to a WAW who left her home & family......that sure would! The first time she walks back into the house and see the "male touch" in place of her womanly touch to the home......wow, look out. She will be so shocked that she'll be close to faining at first, and then she may blow another gasket. However, as long as these things are not just so "over-killed" that it looks stupid and she laughs at it, I believe it is a series of these shocks that begin to shake & wake her. As long as everything is going her way in her new place, and her family still adores her, and her H still sits at hom pining away for her.....why should anything expect to change? But when life moves on in a different turn than what she "expected" then she'll see that her dream isn't coming true.
I believe she has to see her fantasy begin to crumble and start to notice this new man who has replaced what use to be her H, who she now discovers herself strangly attracted to....and she is confused b/c that was not how things were "suppose" to go.
That should be your plan. You have to do the things you'll need to do in order to fall within that plan. Understand? Time for very tough love. And....they don't call it "tough" for noth'in! You will have to be careful that you won't feel sorry for her and don't go recue her. If the boys don't want to be with her at first, I don't think you should force them. They are having to deal with this in their own way. She needs to be the one to work out her R with them....it is her problem. If it has nothing to do with the kids, don't discuss things with her....and don't be available. Stick to whatever finacial issues were agreed upon and don't give in to any "loan" b/c she's in a bind.
She will hear plenty about how your life is progressing. Mostly through the kids. That is another reason to do your best work in front of them. Not only as a role model, but a testimony!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, as of 4:34 she has placed two calls and sent 4 text messages to me. I expected thi and have gone dim - except for the request to speak with the children. The boys and I decided to abandon the Bull riding idea because of traffic and distance, but are going to instead rent a movie and do fun boy stuff (burp, etc...)
Tomorrow is packed with activities and Sunday morning is Church. Hopefully this will keep all of our minds off the WAW.
If for some reason I feel the need to reach out to her, I will instead reach out to the boards. I am in no hurry to speak to her.
Coach, I just finsihed reading the first 2 or three threads of your experience and am glad I now have the knowledge of what you went through. I do have one question, when your W moved out you offered to help. Did you ever go to her place to visit etc..? I was adament about not helping and wonder if I made a mistake there?
One thing to know, Shell, is that no matter what your wife says or does, she is not nearly as confident about this decision as you imagine. I know I looked solid when I left our home, but inside I was in turmoil. It was not an easy thing to do for me and I would bet a month's salary it is not easy for your wife either. Not your problem - just putting it out there.
My advice to you is only speak when spoken to - about the children. Do NOT reach out to her for anything. Just leave her to her decision while you start making a life for yourself (GAL). If she needs help with her new place, say "Gosh - I hate backed up plumbing. Let me look here - there it is! This is the number for the plumber the Smiths used when that happened to them." Don't have to be mean about it or anything - truly you are just honoring her decision to be on her own. Coach came into my place ONCE. I invited him in for coffee when he came to pick up our daughter. It was very awkward. Funny thing was, I really wanted that time with him, but the place was problematic. I never invited him again b/c I thought it was hurtful to him. I had a fender-bender while we were separated and the first person I called was Coach. He asked if the children were with me, were they ok, was I ok, how badly is the car damaged...and that was it. He didn't make a single offer to help. Guess what I did. Drove right over to his office to see him. When he gave me that space, without him charging into it, I could make a choice for myself about what I wanted and who I wanted.
I know you asked Coach - hope you don't mind me chiming in. Good that you are reading his posts from that time. He really handled himself well and I noticed. It made a difference and contributed to our reconciliation.
Cheers. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
For those who have been in this sitch, should I expect to hear from her, or will she go dark and enjoy this new found freedom?
I liked the idea of a man fixing up the house the way "he" liked it. Man if that ever makes a statement to a WAW who left her home & family......that sure would! The first time she walks back into the house and see the "male touch" in place of her womanly touch to the home......wow, look out. She will be so shocked that she'll be close to faining at first, and then she may blow another gasket.
Oh yes! This was huge for me. When I moved out, Coach moved his drum set smack in the middle of our - scratch that - HIS living room. So the first time I popped over to pick up our D and saw that - stand back. At first I thought, "See, that's just so him to bugger up a beautiful house with a crap move like that." Then I thought, "Wait...maybe he always wanted to do that and now that I'm out of his way, he can do the things that he wants to do - even if it is stupid." Then it was, "How dare he ..." Oh yes, I remember this well. I told my friend about it and she said "You care why?" I had to sit with that for awhile. It impacted me.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
