Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

AAK,

"I see it as much needed action and at least in my case illumination."

You're right about this. I brought up the lack of respect to her because I felt it was time and also that it was getting harder to swallow on a daily basis. Little did I know that her response would be that she doesn't respect me because she has no love for me. Can't believe the stuff that comes out of my W's mouth nowadays.

But now I know that it's a cheeseless tunnel and I shouldn't have let it get to me. Time to build up my resistance again.

My gut is telling me to let her go and let her fall on her face. I totally would if it wasn't for my kids. My oldest was in the next room and heard us arguing. Later in the car, she looked at me in understanding. Like she knew I was the one who was trying and mommy wasn't. Sad to see them like that. It's like they're being forced to grow up faster than they should.

[MrBond]

cipa,

thanks for the pep talk. I'm cool. Just a wicked backslide.

I don't know whose sitch is worse. Yours, where your W keeps talking to you yet shows no remorse in her actions, or mine where my W is here, yet purposely ignores me because she doesn't want to deal with me and of course has also shown no remorse in terms of her A. Total projection of her unhappiness onto me.

I think AAK is right in saying that she's depressed, but it's compartmentalized so that it's only when she's with me. Or has that "trapped" feeling.

I've called her out on it and while she listens for a second, the moment of clarity drifts away very quickly.

I know I can do this as long as I don't keep getting sucked into her midlife mess.

don't worry about giving me the occasional 2x4. I can take it as well as I can dish it out.

I've been keeping up with your sitch too. I don't know how your W can still be talking to you nicely and at the same time send over the legal papers. Kind of like shaking your hand with one hand and holding a knife in the other. Stick to your guns too.

[MrBond]

sandi,

What can I say? Your story really touched me and I am blessed that you shared it with me. It was extremely personal and for that I am grateful for your trust and love that you would share it with me.

I really do believe my W is in the fog of the fantasy. Absolutely. I think she feels that she still wants to sow her oats before it's too late and it's a floodgate that the OM helped her to open. I can't believe that even now she denies it was an A. I think she has that sex definition to explain an A.

I actually did mention to her about getting a check-up for her hormones, but of course that was shot down. But at least I said it. The more I look at her, the more I see the person who is so not the woman I married.

I did get caught in the way the sitch was getting better. I was just surprised at how badly it would affect me. I'm making a point of trying not to let that happen again.

My W has never been an avid reader or inquisitive enough to ask if there was anything that could be making her feel what she feels. All she knows is that she's unhappy and it's because of me. In my readings of MLC, I read that those with poor coping mechanisms have a poor chance at salvaging their R because they are unable, incapable or just don't want to deal with the cause of the problem. And my W is the worst. She actually has a strong fight or flight impulse. Never sitting down and talking things out.

Deep down inside, I know she believes that the feelings will come back. She's even told me that she doesn't want the feelings to come back. Pretty evil sounding, but it is what it is. She wants to live her life, fooling around and doing things "independently". She's always had the freedom to do that, but never took the initiative. And lately she seems to need to have someone to blame for her unhappiness. She appears perfectly happy with others, just not with me.

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

Hey brother - hope you continue to hand in there and stick around the board. Not just to help others but because you have friends here. Actually more than that, think of it as more like an extended family

I know seeing the pain in your children and how the have to grow up so suddenly really hurts. They will need someone to help show them how to survive and thrive just like you do. They don't have the luxury to be able to talk to their friends. They will look to you. I know you will do that for them.

I do know how painful and shameful the feeling of failure must be sitting in you heart and soul right now. I've felt it all year and still do at times. For me, as a guy, that is the ultimate hurt/guilt - failure. I had felt I failed my wife, my boys, my family and friends and myself.

What helped me is knowing I have lived honorably. By living honorably and sound the right things with honorable intentions, there is no failure.

Be strong my brother. I'm here for you as many others are

[MrBond]

Thanks CIPA.

I know you've got my back as well as others.

I just needed some time to regroup and restrategize.

Journaling - since our talk on Tuesday morning, she's been pretty talkative and friendly. Last night when we were in bed we were talking about the kids and fairly closely and it felt like old times. Then this morning it was back to her old cold self. Weird.

I notice that she's in a better mood at night after she's had some time to relax a bit. I think she has been elusive/uncomfortable talking about work because that's where the OM is.

So what's my plan of action now? Well I am going to continue to GAL and continue to regain the trust issues she built between us to create more intimacy. We were doing well before she cycled back to her closing off mood.

I'm going to come up with a list of specific actions that I want to happen and that I will do to test things out. I wish she would go out and GAL or get more introspective so she sees that it's her and not the R that's making her unhappy.

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck.

Let me first say..."Ouch!!..."

Second, honey you are not detaching or GAL and when you say "I'll just keep on detaching and GAL" you are kidding yourself. The talks you have centering on her A and getting her to admit it, are counter productive. LET IT GO...and the frequent checks on whether she's mad at you, who cares if she's mad at you? The issue is how she's treating you, esp in front of the kids. Her anger is NOT YOUR PROBLEM; it's hers.

DETACH...read about it, memorize it, believe it and DO IT.

I think some time apart cannot hurt your sitch. I really don't. Also Puppy long ago cited a section from MWD about being a friend and waiting but in context with her whole book (both books really) that is but one approach. Her biggest point, for ME anyhow, was doing the 180's. And in some cases, like YOURS, detaching is key.

She wants freedom. Let her have it. You have no choice anyhow, so you may as well participate in her discoveries in the sense that you stop resisting. I wish I'd told h to "GO TO ALASKA" sooner, rather than later, but I had kids to think of too. Might have sped things up for us. Who knows?

But though you're being kind, you are also hovering a lot and pursuing and interviewing/interrogating her and wondering all the time about how she feels....Please, back off. I said it before and just re=read my earlier posts and don't feel any differently. She's not treating you well and you know, when someone doesn't treat you well, over time, you have to realize it's not healthy for you to just take it.

Do I think you should date? I'm not a "one size fits all" type person and every sitch is different. Some WAS do think it's permission for them to move on guilt free if the LBS dates, while others rush back to check on their hold on the lbs. It's a tactic that involves others though, (and I'm assuming you would not introduce them to your kids of course) and that's not really fair to the OP. But you have to decide that for yourself and how to do it honorably. I think your w takes a whole lot for granted.... But in the meantime, I'd be FAR more mysterious. see a L for sure, STOP asking her how she feels. All that matters is how she ACTS toward you and I don't mean for you to read into anything. Just demand respect and give her the same. NO MORE R TALKS...act as if you accept her unfortuanate choice "with resignation" but fortitude, that you know she says she wants a div, until she says/does otherwise operate under that assumption and LET HER CHANGE HER MIND or not...don't keep asking if she still feels that way or blah blah blah. Let her actions say what needs to be said and a mediator can talk to the two of you about co-parenting. You will have NO success in working that out NOW....

Know and project that you will be fine but in your heart you know she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life. That is true whether she's knows it or not. But that doesn't mean your life is over.

Just read parts of "Resilience"-- Elizabeth Edwards book. She lost her first born, and has cancer now that is terminal and her h has been a real pig with the public A. But she said her biggest regret is wasting so much time wanting her old life back; a huge event happened to her (several) and her life won't ever be the same again. She is not the same and never can be. She has changed. Her regret was trying to get back what was lost INSTEAD of recreating what she could with what she does have....good advice, (even if you didnt' support her h for President...I didn't, but I take her point). Do you see how this relates to your sitch? You are trying to gain back what cannot be. You can recover from this but you cannot pretend you have not been wounded deeply and don't need to heal. You do.

Start believing that you will be fine no matter what. When you "give this to God" it doesn't mean you don't do anything, or just start quoting scripture and assume she'll come back and all you have to do is "be patient". She has free will (something k4 cannot accept but you can). So you will need to start believing that God is sending you what you need, not necessarily what you think you want....

Whether it is peace, strength, maybe OW someday...whatever it is, God is sending you good things right around the corner and now when you turn this over to Him, don't take it back. Leave it in His hands and move on in your life. That does NOT mean give up. It means grow for real, drop the rope, and let her find out what she cannot find out while living under the same roof.

And see a doc for the panic attacks if you are having too much trouble. You need to be able to sleep to think straight and you can't lose your job now. Get some help for that, and know that I say this from experience. WE do have to function. Even if the WAS isn't...be strong, I DO KNOW you will be alright Stuck.

A year or 2 from now, you'll be a very good place. With or without her. I just know it.

Sorry for your pain.

j-

[smith18]

Hi Stuck -

Tough situation trying to detach. Especially when you see your wife all the time. But you know that you have to just let her go for now, but still be working together as parents. The more space you give her the better. And if she wants to have R talks, then let her lead those. But you must try as hard as you can to not ask her for a temperature of her feelings about the marriage.

Even though I was the one to divorce my wife, there are some similarities I read in your threads. My W's OM was also nearly twice her age. She felt trapped in our marriage like a wild animal. She insisted that she could never love me again. She felt I was too controlling because I thought it inappropriate for her to date other men. I kept doing R talks and trying to ask her how she felt. I actually think she changed back to how she was before we met - a spoiled selfish brat. Over a period of time of her treating me like dirt and going against my wishes (ie. introducing kids to OM and kissing in front of the kids), I lost any love I had for her.

But, she was wrong about never getting the feelings of loving me back. Right before the D was final, she had a change of heart and wanted another chance with me. Even now, as she is getting close to getting married with the OM, I hear she wont change her last name (mine) to his because she still holds dear feelings for me. I think it is highly likely that your W can have a re-awakening of love for you, but it will take time and much patience on your part.

My personal opinion is that if you want her still as your wife, you will not date. This is not fair to the person you would date. Period. And you know that.

My only other advice is for you to read back through your posts and responses as a review of how you should be handling yourself. There has been some excellent advice given to you. Also, consider how you would advise your own self given what you know now.

Just know that there are people that have had their marriages happily restored. GForce is one that got all the way up to 1 day before the D was final and his W had a change of heart. And now he is expecting their first child with her in December and together they have a brand new home. I have my fingers crossed that you will be one of those rare happily ever after cases.

[25yearsmlc]

I echo Kerry's statements. THere are more success stories than you might know due to what happens when your marriage is restored. I mean, Coming here to post isn't as productive when you need to BE with your returned spouse. And when you GAL with your activities, as I said to K4, don't care about what SHE thinks of the activity. That's half the point, doing something that makes it clear that it's for YOU, and not her. If you care what SHE thinks of your acitivty, it misses the point. Better yet, do something she has NO interest in. KWIM?

But seriously, it's a matter of will and strength now. I think you KNOW in your head that you MUST detach. You're smart enough not to be paralyzed by fears in part b/c you know what you are doing now is SOOO NOT working anyway.

Definitely re-read the posts you have gotten in the past. I'm enclosing part of something Sandi wrote that so applies now, as it did then.

Good luck and here are some words FROM the "acclaimed" sandi.....from sometime in the past, to YOU....

Look Stuck.....you are one of my "favorites" here on the board. I think you give excellent advise to other people. If only you could step outside your own stitch and see it as a by-stander can, then you would see it differently. But you are so emotionally "driven" that you can't be objective. I know you "think" you are detaching, but you aren't, sweetie. IMHO, you are simply trying too hard to make this work! Does that make sense? You notice every little move she makes. You hang onto each word she says and you analyze everything and worry over it. When a person truly drops the rope.......he will not worry about what is said and done. He doesn't speak first in hopes that she will speak back to him (like when you told her good-bye and she didn't answer you back.....it upset you). You may not realize this Stuck, but in a way....you were subconsciously "pursuing". Do you know why? B/c you were trying to pressure her to respond to your departure. When she did not respond.....your emotions took over and it controlled you all the way to your job. How can you consentrate on your work when this is weighing on your mind? It's not good.

Let me try to give a huge example of what "dropping the rope" would be like here:
Quote:
The thing that set it off this morning was that she told me that she didn't love me anymore and didn't want to work on the M.


Okay....that is hard to listen to, right? It hurts like a knife. However, if you were really...really dropping the rope on her.....you would have quietly walked away from her and not said anything or reacted in any way. You could have shook your head as if in "pity" of her and went to work and let it slide off your back. Now that is truly "dropping the rope" in thought process! You see, it must come from deep within yourself. You can pretend until the cows come home....but if it is not from down deep in your soul....it will not work for you. I know you are "trying" as hard as you know how and that is what breaks my heart. It is easy for me to sit here and say, "Stuck, you just haven't detached enough", and it is quite another for you to be able to reach that mental place of actually "doing it". ......

Rude? No! Don't be rude.......just act as if you don't care. There is a difference and she will detect it. If it comes from deep within you, then you will feel peace and be able to show your......."indifference". I don't know another word at the moment to describe the attitude.

Anyway, I will leave this with you and pray that you can reach that place. You are a strong man, Stuck. She needs to see that self-assured man who doesn't need her anymore.

Take care,
Sandi

She said this better than I can, but I agree with it all. So now, do what you gotta do.

Sometimes you just do your best -and leave the results up to God. What else can you do? NOTHING...but waste time trying to get something you cannot have anymore--past dreams. Create a new life with what you Do have and you'll find yourself leading a rich life. TRUST.

[MrBond]

25MLC and Kerry,

Thanks for the posts. They really helped to get me back on track.
Just the way things came out through me for a loop. I let my guard down and paid the price.

The problem is now I actually am afraid of talking to her. I flashback to when I had my panic attack and actually feel afraid of talking to her. Even if it's just on the phone to ask her a question. It's gotten better, but damn I've got to shake this off. I know I'm stronger than this and I refuse to let her and this get the best of me.

You're right in that she takes alot for granted. I read something before about people in MLC that if they have poor coping mechanisms, they will have a tough time coming out of it and that describes my W to a tee.

I'm not planning to date anyone as my W is still at home with me and we're sleeping in the same bed.

I have to go back to the balancing act of loving her from a distance and concentrate on myself. It just felt like when I started distancing, I started losing what feelings I had left for her.

I came to a couple of times where I didn't want her any more and had to dig deep to get some feelings back. That's a tough balancing act - to not love too much or too little. I'm going to funnel that love back into myself and take it one step at a time.

[MrBond]

Journaling:
Well this weekend went well. Didn't do much with the W. I had an event on Sunday that I took my kids to. That day my W got up early and put on her makeup so she looked like she was going out. When we returned home, I was surprised to find out that she just stayed home. She looked really depressed.

She doesn't have any close friends and just has her sister to be with. Must be an empty life. Probably which is why the OM was such a strong draw for her.

That night, we had a good time with the kids and as I stared at her, I noticed how thin she had become. It's odd how she's feeding her depression, and sees me as the root of it. Yet we have a good time together as a family, she even initiated conversation a few times.

Sunday night I took her car out to fill in gas as I saw she was low. Then on Monday while she was at work, she called me to thank me. She called me once, but I let it go to voicemail. She didn't leave a message, but called again about an hour later and left a message thanking me. First time she'd thanked me for something other than just dinner.

It's her mood swings that get to me. From friendly to cold all in the span of an hour. I don't know how WASs can not notice when they go through this.

Now though, I keep my guard up and stay friendly but not vested. I need to have "detach" tattooed on my arm somewhere.