I understand what is going on for you. I had to live with my W for a full month before she moved, watching her pack and get ready to go, and it was tortuous.
You have to think of what is best for you here. You are NOT a loser though, if you just ride the next 2 weeks out as best you can. Friends and family mean well, but don't always give the best advice. Personally, I find it difficult to accept advice from people who do not even have any experience in an area. Has your friend ever been through this???
I sorry to hear of your anniversary on the 15th. I know how hard the day can be. Jenni (EvansMom) - her anniversary was (would have been) on Wednesday also. (Jen - hope you don't mind my saying that!)
Thinking of you, knowing exactly what you are feeling.
I don't know how I would get through the day without the boost of common sense I get here.
Opt, I like the idea of treating him like an acquaintance. just someone who is sharing a house at the moment. My friend called yesterday and told me to ignore everything she says. She said she is just so angry about it all that she is venting to me! I guess I need to DB with my friends, understand where they are coming from. I think for her it is almost fear, if it could happen to Jackie, it could happen to me. My ordeal seems to be prompting conversations between my married friends. Saving marriages all over the place.
KAW, you are right, this is an opportunity to find out what I want out of life, what I'm all about now. I've been defining myself through the eyes of other people, what does H want from a wife, mother, how to behave as a good daughter in law. Now it is time to discover what I'm all about without the interference of others. Just me and the kids.
DB, Yeah, you are right, it is going to suck no matter what. I don't know how you did it for so long. I started to get my mood under control by last night and was pleasant and upbeat when he came home. I didn't cook or clean, just don't feel like doing it, but was in an okay mood. I think that confused him. How can I be happy when he'll be gone soon. He is having an awfully good time going through catalogs and picking out things for his new home. I told him he could have the dishes. He said I could, but I insisted he take them. I want new ones! He does too, but I don't know why he should get all the new stuff.
Berto, you are the tough love guy around here! I love the idea of a party. He is moving on a Wednesday, so I don't know how that would go, but I think that first Saturday night I am going to have a girls only party. Make the house my own. He already has said he wants the boys that weekend for a trip of just the three of them. Want to come cater? And I was pleased to be able to do something to help out the effort at the beach, after you did so much to prepare the meal, it was the least I could do. H doesn't like how I clean, I don't do it well enough.
Pam, I am trying so hard not to be bitter or angry. That is not the person I want to be. But, I also have to learn not to cater to him, as I am guilty of that one.
We had wine last night and watched surivor together (our 1 hour of tv togetherness a week) The wine made me seduce him and that confused him, he couldn't understand why I would do that when in a few weeks he would be gone, I thought that was a good reason to do it. He seemed to enjoy himself. I think that confused him to no end.
Quote: I also think that you could send a strong message to your H by having a party on the night he leaves. Why not have a girls night out at your house? Do whatever you want, drink wine, make quilts, bash men as long as you have your friends around you on the day he leaves. I'm sure doing this would suprise him, I'm sure he thinks you'll be at home sobing over him or something to that extent.
The night after my H left, he called the house and I did have my gf's there, it had already been planned. Something happened that we were laughing hysterically about and H called right in the middle of it and he said very angrily "So you're having a party while I'm out screwing around on you!"
It does help to have family/friends around those first couple of days or weeks, it was what go me through the worst of it.
Quote: And I was pleased to be able to do something to help out the effort at the beach, after you did so much to prepare the meal, it was the least I could do. H doesn't like how I clean, I don't do it well enough.
I'm sorry Dagny but your H has either been abducted by the Alien mother ship or he is on something. I was shocked at how you managed to clean THAT kichen! Everybody that was there knew how much of a disaster that area was in after 9 hours of cooking and you not only cleaned but I was stunned at how beatiful everything looked. Your H does need a BIG dose of reality, he needs to be alone and appreciate all of what you do. Detach, detach, detach, detach, detach!
Yes, I am a big fan of the tough love, I think that men for the most part relate to this type of schooling. I add myself to this category. Sometimes we men need a hard 4x4 across the head. (I added an extra 2 inches for a possible OW or dumb male friend's advise )
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Steve, I think we cross posted. You are right, people who have not been through this do not understand what we are doing. And I think we all act differently than we expect we would once we are going through this. This transition period is tough. I don't know if we should tell the kids to prepare them, I guess I still feel he could back out of the whole ordeal, but the chances are slim, but if so, why put the kids through it before the have to be.
Cahty,
Quote: he said very angrily "So you're having a party while I'm out screwing around on you!"
That has to be the best line! The things they get angry about and say. Do they ever listen to the words coming out of their mouths? I'm thinking have friends around will booster my spirits. Going to start planning it.
((((Jackie)))) Sorry to be just now checking in. My oldest child has been sick all week, so I've been at home too.
I'll jump on the bandwagon too!
Optimist's idea of treating your H like a guest is excellent. This stretch of time will be tough (my H let me know he was moving out about 10 -14 days before he left. Sleeping in the guest room and all that.) It stinks, but I already see signs of your strength coming through. Plan your party and plan smaller treats for yourself for the time between now and then (have you tried peppermint foot lotion yet? It's amazing!). I also think to have some nights off and let your H keep the boys is a good idea.
Great job dealing with your friend. You're right about others who haven't been in this situation not understanding. They mean well and don't want to see you hurting so much, but they just don't get it. Good of your friend to recognize this is herself!
Hang in there, Jackie. Set those goals (talking to myself here, too) and focus on yourself and the boys. Be courteous to your houseguest.
It does hurt to think of him moving out, but there really is some relief - fewer eggshells, emotional room to grieve/think/brainstorm/plan/rest.
Take care ~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Im in with Berto on the tough love thing. My first reaction was, "I can't believe he expects that he can go on "as if" while he knows that he is leaving in the near future." I dont understand why there is a date, and that is when things will change. I think that when he told you he was moving out, that is when things changed. At that exact moment, Jackie shouldn't have to worry about anything except her and her children.
There is an example in DR where it actually took a person getting extremly angry and blowing up before the spouse got the picture. Its not the perfect scenerio, but it was what worked. It was a 180. Obviously, being the loving and caring Jackie isnt working. I think that a hard a$$ Jackie might turn his head. You might want to read the chapter about the Last Last Resort Technique.
Like Cathy said about her H calling while she had some friends over. I think the perfect response to his comment would have been, "WHAT!!! You're out screwing around on me while I'm having a party???!!!!????" Maybe he would have realized then, how obsurd his comment was.
At the point he told you he was moving out, he became just a roomate, and should be treated as such (IMHO). If you dont want to make him leave sooner then his planned date, I wouldnt worry about letting him know your plans, or telling him where you are going, or cooking him dinner, or doing his laundry, etc, etc. Be the Jackie you want to be. Dont be the Jackie he expects you to be, ie. The Jackie that will be walking around with her head hung, lost because her H has left.
Like Cathy's party, do something that would send him the signals that his leaving doesn't bother you at all. Doing what he expects you to do will only validate his reasons for leaving. That logic doesnt make much sense to all of us, but it will to him.
It seems to me that he doesnt like that you "need" him, or that you still want him after everything he has done to you. I think he feels that way out of guilt. Give him what he wants. Give it to him in such an extreme fashion that he wont like it.
Thats just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.
((((((Jackie)))))))
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Hi Jackie...I know this is a tough time...but it does get better..slowwwwly..and with your strength to help it along. Do try the best you can to remain kind to him...I am very, very fortunate as h and I have not had any bitterness or rude comments to each other...just distance and coldness..so work on you..as I have said many, many times..look at your kids each day and know that taking care of you..is taking care of them!!!
Mockers & Sue, thanks for checking in. I am trying to be kind and take care of myself. Did horrible job of it this weekend, things spiraled a bit out of control.
Floyd, Finally couldn't take all of the crap being thrown at me and I got angry. Mental note, my anger does not work. Major backslide, things gets worse. Do not try that route again!
Friday H gets home, angry mood, but what else is new. I had told friend in bible study on Tuesday that H was leaving (her H works with my H), she had wanted to know why H didn't go to Disney with us. So her H goes to talk with my H on Friday at work, what's up type of talk. H is furious with me that I did not tell him who I have told. Said we made a pledge to tell each other who we tell (I honestly don't remember that, only during the hotel period), H said that it makes him look like he doesn't confide in work friend and has not been honest with him. H really mad at me, tells me he is dissapointed in me.
So Saturday I go out to movies. Left H a note apologizing for not telling him. He calls me on cell and goes into it again, demadning to know everyone I have told, very, very angry. I spend most of day sobbing. I come home and go to bed, then decide to write down list of people I have told (about 7 total, other than the world of the internet), walk down and give him the list. He goes ballastic, we have to tell kids, two neighbors know, their kids ride bus with mine, etc. etc. I also told my folks. He know says he has to tell his, mine are going to call them (not). He goes on and on, very angry, demands to know exactly when I told everyone. Dissapointed in me....I finally lost it, yell things back to him, told him he told my boss without me ever knowing, that he isn't any saint, then I go upstairs and throw a video against the wall and make gash in wall. He comes storming up and say he is going to leave now before I destroy the entire house (in 1 year of this, first thing I have broken or damaged). He then leaves for work, I call his cell, it is busy, he calls back a few hours later, talking about finances, will I sign the divorce decree and other nasty stuff, won't be getting money, support, etc.
Mockers & Sue, thanks for checking in. I am trying to be kind and take care of myself. Did horrible job of it this weekend, things spiraled a bit out of control.
Floyd, Finally couldn't take all of the crap being thrown at me and I got angry. Mental note, my anger does not work. Major backslide, things gets worse. Do not try that route again!
Friday H gets home, angry mood, but what else is new. I had told friend in bible study on Tuesday that H was leaving (her H works with my H), she had wanted to know why H didn't go to Disney with us. So her H goes to talk with my H on Friday at work, what's up type of talk. H is furious with me that I did not tell him who I have told. Said we made a pledge to tell each other who we tell (I honestly don't remember that, only during the hotel period), H said that it makes him look like he doesn't confide in work friend and has not been honest with him. H really mad at me, tells me he is dissapointed in me.
So Saturday I go out to movies. Left H a note apologizing for not telling him. He calls me on cell and goes into it again, demadning to know everyone I have told, very, very angry. I spend most of day sobbing. I come home and go to bed, then decide to write down list of people I have told (about 7 total, other than the world of the internet), walk down and give him the list. He goes ballastic, we have to tell kids, two neighbors know, their kids ride bus with mine, etc. etc. I also told my folks. He know says he has to tell his, mine are going to call them (not). He goes on and on, very angry, demands to know exactly when I told everyone. Dissapointed in me....I finally lost it, yell things back to him, told him he told my boss without me ever knowing, that he isn't any saint, then I go upstairs and throw a video against the wall and make gash in wall. He comes storming up and say he is going to leave now before I destroy the entire house (in 1 year of this, first thing I have broken or damaged). He then leaves for work, I call his cell, it is busy, he calls back a few hours later, talking about finances, will I sign the divorce decree and other nasty stuff, won't be getting money, support, etc.
I was shocked at how you managed to clean THAT kichen! Everybody that was there knew how much of a disaster that area was in after 9 hours of cooking and you not only cleaned but I was stunned at how beatiful everything looked. Your H does need a BIG dose of reality, he needs to be alone and appreciate all of what you do. Detach, detach, detach, detach, detach!
Sometimes we men need a hard 4x4 across the head. (I added an extra 2 inches for a possible OW or dumb male friend's advise 
)
It's amazing!). I also think to have some nights off and let your H keep the boys is a good idea. 