I know from talking to them they will be a bit uncomfortable.
They will cue off your lead. Don't you think your wife feels a little uncomfortable too? Incredible opportunity to shine. Maybe it's time to have a small R talk about how you are going to handle this weekend. Give her some security and assurance. Use the party to fill her love buckets. When you show her LLs in front of family it is powerful.
Cheers
As usual, GREAT advice Coach.
OK, so I am trying to go through that R discussion in my head. Thinking something like:
GIMA: I'm really excited about D's birthday party this weekend. W: Me too (maybe a bit nervously). GIMA: You know, I will handle step-mom and SIL, but I don't plan on discussing anything about us with them. I would imagine they might feel a little awkward, and I would not be surprised if you felt the same way. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better or more at ease about that? I can run interference for you with them. Honestly, I think they just want to enjoy D's party and enjoy being around us. In the end, I want to do what I can to make this as easy on you as possible.
OK, might need some fine tuning. And I'm open to suggestions.
Well, not much to report tonight. Had a good time just hanging out with W, as she baked a cookie cake for a neighbor's child's birthday. Took her a while, and I stayed in the den past my "bed time" to keep her company. Good conversation. Then retreated to our seperate rooms, as usual.
Her tone of voice, mannerisms, and interest she shows in me all seem to be a green light. But a green light for what? Just being friends right now? Working on putting our M back together?
I can't imagine she is happy in this current arrangement. Maybe she is.
But that doesn't change my plan. I will keep being upbeat, happy, positive, strong and confident. If that's not good enough, then she's crazy!
Just finished in clinic and checking the boards briefly. Your message to shockedinga was really meaningful. Thanks for sharing. It really helped me.
Since I've been thinking about things I might change in my sitch I thought I would suggest trying something new if you think the time is right in your sitch. It doesn't have to be major. Then you can monitor for W's response.
Is there anything that might bring back sweet memories for your W from the past? This way she may associate the pleasant experience with you. Fragrances activate the brain at very basic levels. Is there a fragrance that might bring back a pleasant memory you both shared? In autumn, apples and cinnamon, the scent of leaves (maybe not in the southeast?), burning wood in neighborhood fireplaces with the start of cooler weather? Do you have a firepit in your backyard that you could light to roast marshmallows with your kids? That could be a way to draw W into a group activity without a verbal invite......Just thinking.....Women like to feel secure...and there is something about autumn that always makes me want to "nest".
Just finished in clinic and checking the boards briefly. Your message to shockedinga was really meaningful. Thanks for sharing. It really helped me.
Since I've been thinking about things I might change in my sitch I thought I would suggest trying something new if you think the time is right in your sitch. It doesn't have to be major. Then you can monitor for W's response.
Is there anything that might bring back sweet memories for your W from the past? This way she may associate the pleasant experience with you. Fragrances activate the brain at very basic levels. Is there a fragrance that might bring back a pleasant memory you both shared? In autumn, apples and cinnamon, the scent of leaves (maybe not in the southeast?), burning wood in neighborhood fireplaces with the start of cooler weather? Do you have a firepit in your backyard that you could light to roast marshmallows with your kids? That could be a way to draw W into a group activity without a verbal invite......Just thinking.....Women like to feel secure...and there is something about autumn that always makes me want to "nest".
Just brainstorming.
GAG
GAG, all great ideas. And some I have been employing.
I will think on this and come up with some more. I really like the idea of a firepit.
Quick entry on the day. Crazy work day. Dia, if you're reading, I think we are pulling the same type of workload right now. Good to be busy.
Didn't spend much time with W tonight b/c S and I met my brother and his W and 4 kids for a baseball game. It was great to see them. My brother got me through some really rough times early on in this sitch.
Got home from the game and W was still up. She was pleasant. When I was telling her about the game and that I spoke to SIL, W said "Oh, SIL went too?" GIMA: "Yeah, their whole family went." W: "Well, I thought it was just you, S, brother and brother's S." GIMA: "Nope. All of them. They only had 2 extra tickets, so they asked me and S to go."
W seemed surprised in that way as to signal she thought she was left out. She wasn't pouty or mad, but I know her well enough to know she was disappointed or mildly hurt.
D5's birthday party is Sunday, and SIL and my step-mother will be there. They have had very little contact with W since the bomb. They are not pleased with her actions. I spoke to SIL tonight at the game and told her not to feel any pressure about doing anything "wrong" around W. Just be herself. Told SIL she could not do anything wrong. Tried to reassure SIL that I am going to be fine no matter what, and that things seem to be moving along the right path.
After S went to bed tonight, I came back to my room to wash up and bruch my teeth. Unlike my usual routine, I left my bedroom door open. When I came back out of the room to lock up the house and set the alarm, W was in her bedroom (immediately across from mine). She had left her door open and had a basket of laundry from the dryer. As my C suggested on Monday, I "invaded some of her space" by going into her room. I helped her fold the laundry and talked to her about the day and what she and D5 did tonight. Then, I walked out and we said good night.
Helping with the laundry is SO smart of you!!!! Just free-associating here......Does W do YOUR laundry too? What would happen if you bought some new sleek undies? It could make W curious, although if she is insecure it might push her away. You know your sitch the best. Just a thought.
Thanks GAG and Hope. Really wasn't that much laundry, but was a nice gesture.
Not sure the slick undies would do anything positive for W. She would probably think I had finally lost it! Pretty much a boxer kind of guy. Maybe some crazy print ones of those.
Open to a lot of ideas. Good just to get the creative juices flowing.
And, no, I'm not usually up this early on a Saturday. S has an early football game, and his coach wants him there even earlier. Thanks coach.
