Bj - good question. I believe the premise is that the female's biggest fear is of abandonment and isolation, and the male's is shame and inadequacy. I don't think one necessarily starts the process, but that the two play off of each other. "Her anxiety causes his shame and his shame causes her anxiety."
I guess the idea is that the woman eventually keeps exposing her vulnerability to her husband, which is what girlfriends do, and this triggers his feelings of failure as a husband, so he shuts down in "shame-avoidant behavior: inpatience, distractedness, defensiveness. resentment, anger, criticism, or advice that sounds like telling her what to do. " AFter a wile, a woman will stop exposing velnerability to the man in her life and turn more to friends, allowing the emotional void in their relationship to fill with resentment. (She) doesn't know it, but she already has one foot out the door." Sorry for the quotes = but I'm still reading the book so I thought this might help. I like the book - may be worth a read. I got it at the library.
I'll check up on your sitch too.
Tonight, enjoying detaching. Enjoying S5 blissfully jumping on the rocket-ship-jumpy-thingie at the local pumpkin patch. His reading is just blossoming so we spent all night reading together. We enjoyed ice cream and sunshine - I am feeling more and more at peace.
H has been exploding worse, but less frequently and with more calmness in between. I ultimately see this as progress, however hellish the blasts are. I couldn't stand the nightly barrage of criticisms. These seem to be fading (knock wood), with some new open talks, lingering hugs, and apologies (interspersed with the nightmarish hell of volcanic eruptions that exude from him when he feels triggered.) Small openings followed by huge lockdowns. It's better than constant lockdown I guess.
