ahhh, so BDTD and nothing changed, no matter how much I threatened, honestly, what's going to happen? he most likely spends the night when your kids are there.
And I trust you are a good father who doesnt' drill his kids, though they seem to be telling you much, specially the 8yr old, be careful how much you ask, even if in a nice way.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I try to be careful, not drill my kids. S8 tends to spill the beans on either parent without any bidding. Not that I have anything to be ashamed about, and certainly nothing that violates any consent order. (I do sense the hand of exW at times when S8 launches into saying something about his mother, and then catches himself and begins to reverse his words. She has obviously coached him to "not say anything to Daddy". Given her antics of late, she probably has to "remind" him quite a lot. And I know that with S8 that wouldn't work too well, he can't help it.)
On the other hand, during tonight's call I got more than a little tired of hearing S8 talk about the OM -- on and on and on. I tried to sound interested and was genuinely happy S8 and S4 are having a good time, but I was wincing every time he mentioned OM being at the center of all their fun. It was so bad that I began to wonder where xW was while all of this was going on -- I'm sure she was there, but it's odd there was hardly any mention of their mother.
Eventually I managed to gently/not-so-gently steer the conversation back to where we were talking about them, sans OM (I could care less about if he is enjoying himself.)
So, what I'm hearing is that the consent order is not worth the paper it's written on, huh? That's not a good thing then.
Oh, and before anyone says anything -- Hell, yeah, I'm jealous -- these are my children, not his (OM). My willingness to forgive and forget ends where my children's interests lie. If anyone thinks that's wrong, then sue me!
As cat suggested, I would definately send all the kids teachers a e-mail, thanking them for their time, and lightly touching the fact that you are D'd, but equally involved in all issues where the kids a concerned. I did it, and it has worked well now for the second year. Hell, I'm actually the primary contact it seems as everytim they try to get a hold of XW, all they get is her voice mail and no call back. But, hey, that only works in my favor as it paints Xw in her own poor self-portrait. Sure, you still miss out on little things here and there sent home from time to time, but they will inform you of any 'major concerns' and the like. And, perhaps at the mext meeting, they'll be a little more attentive to address both parents.
Now, as far the JPA. Wow, don't we all have too many of the same thigns going on in our situations? I finally had enough of XW's antics and countless violations to the JPA. I did my research and came to find that it can be terminated at any time and the matter brought back to trial, pretty much right where we left off.
So, I wrote a nice 2 page letter, free of emotion and personal acusation, took some excerpts from the JPA pertaining to the joint parenting philosophy, and then the areas of complaint I had that are in vioaltion of the agreement. And that in itself is step one of the prescribed resolution process.
I will say, it got her attention.
I'm sure you know, the kids are going are going to sugar up their stories some (on both parents). I know especially where OM is concerned it can be hard to not react immediately to things you may find offensive. I just try and verify their story a few times for inconsistancies to filter out the fact from the fiction. You can also tell them you're glad they are having a good time, but you'd rather not hear about OM. That is ground rule one with my boys and they are very respecful of it. It may be a bit too late in your situation though.
Anyway, if you prove they were in the same bed in the same room with the boys, I'd be all over that, rest assured.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
I really do wish my boys to have a good time, and tell them so. But it doesn't stop me from silently wishing the OM weren't around. I also wish that xW would truly act even one tenth as respectably and honorably as she thinks of herself.
I haven't even mentioned this violation of the JPA to my L yet. I am becoming too discouraged to think anyone in court would give a d*mn.
Don't beat yourself up. You would not be human if you weren't jealous that he is spending time with your precious boys. Time that would have never been taken away from you if your xw had not chosen to break up her family. Hard not to be bitter, but know that those boys love you with all of their heart and always will!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I got a bit upset (although I didn't let them know it) while talking to my S's this evening -- I kept getting interrupted: the OM was talking at them in the background each time! And then at the same time xW was rushing them to end our call too soon (it was almost 9 PM at night, and they were just then getting dinner?) I stayed calm but after I got off the phone I was pretty peeved.
Thankfully, I got over it and into better mood. They'll get back from Myrtle Beach on Thursday. I can't wait 'til Friday!
I got a bit upset (although I didn't let them know it) while talking to my S's this evening -- I kept getting interrupted: the OM was talking at them in the background each time! And then at the same time xW was rushing them to end our call too soon (it was almost 9 PM at night, and they were just then getting dinner?
That sounds like something to add to your list for the parenting coordinator. That's so rude and disrespectful for him or anyone to intrude on your already limited time with the kids. Can you imagine if your X called and you had a GF talking to them at the same time as she was trying to talk to them? But your GF would probably have manners though!
Also maybe a time limit on the calls you get at least 10 or 20 or 30 minutes or whatever which she can't interrupt? I know she's done that before to your calls. Yeah, and dinner at 9--I'd add that to the list too!!!
Yes, I could tell the PC quite a lot. I wonder if it would have any impact. I'm thinking not likely. I am supposed to schedule a first meeting with the PC -- he wanted each parent to meet with him one-on-one to get their stories -- but he hasn't returned my calls yet to set up a session. Not very encouraging.
I got my S's back this evening. I can't help but noticing how spoiled they have been this week with their mother on vacation. They still want to be entertained and fed like they're guests at a resort or something. S8 gained another four pounds, or so he says -- there's waaaay too much fat in the diet she's been feeding him, even when not on holiday. It's not healthy for him, and makes me think she's trying to turn him into a mini-me of the OM.
At least he's eating though, right?
...
It struck me earlier this evening -- I think I would be so much further along if xW had not lied to me so much and tried to ruin my reputation. If she had simply not made me out to be the total fall guy for our M ending like it did, not pinned the blame all on me, or had tried to take away my children, I am certain I would not feel nearly so injured. It wasn't enough to take her love away, but she had to also take me for everything she could get and then try to destroy me.
What is it in these people, these WAS, that causes them to turn like that?
I know I need to put these questions and thoughts aside, stop looking back like Lot's wife did, and chalk it up to things we will never really understand -- and keep moving forward. But looking at the faces of my sleeping children I wonder if there's some clue, some knowledge I might glean from this tragedy in my life that they might avoid such pitfalls themselves. Must the cycle be repeated, can it never end? How?
