Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck.

Let me first say..."Ouch!!..."

Second, honey you are not detaching or GAL and when you say "I'll just keep on detaching and GAL" you are kidding yourself. The talks you have centering on her A and getting her to admit it, are counter productive. LET IT GO...and the frequent checks on whether she's mad at you, who cares if she's mad at you? The issue is how she's treating you, esp in front of the kids. Her anger is NOT YOUR PROBLEM; it's hers.

DETACH...read about it, memorize it, believe it and DO IT.

I think some time apart cannot hurt your sitch. I really don't. Also Puppy long ago cited a section from MWD about being a friend and waiting but in context with her whole book (both books really) that is but one approach. Her biggest point, for ME anyhow, was doing the 180's. And in some cases, like YOURS, detaching is key.

She wants freedom. Let her have it. You have no choice anyhow, so you may as well participate in her discoveries in the sense that you stop resisting. I wish I'd told h to "GO TO ALASKA" sooner, rather than later, but I had kids to think of too. Might have sped things up for us. Who knows?

But though you're being kind, you are also hovering a lot and pursuing and interviewing/interrogating her and wondering all the time about how she feels....Please, back off. I said it before and just re=read my earlier posts and don't feel any differently. She's not treating you well and you know, when someone doesn't treat you well, over time, you have to realize it's not healthy for you to just take it.

Do I think you should date? I'm not a "one size fits all" type person and every sitch is different. Some WAS do think it's permission for them to move on guilt free if the LBS dates, while others rush back to check on their hold on the lbs. It's a tactic that involves others though, (and I'm assuming you would not introduce them to your kids of course) and that's not really fair to the OP. But you have to decide that for yourself and how to do it honorably. I think your w takes a whole lot for granted.... But in the meantime, I'd be FAR more mysterious. see a L for sure, STOP asking her how she feels. All that matters is how she ACTS toward you and I don't mean for you to read into anything. Just demand respect and give her the same. NO MORE R TALKS...act as if you accept her unfortuanate choice "with resignation" but fortitude, that you know she says she wants a div, until she says/does otherwise operate under that assumption and LET HER CHANGE HER MIND or not...don't keep asking if she still feels that way or blah blah blah. Let her actions say what needs to be said and a mediator can talk to the two of you about co-parenting. You will have NO success in working that out NOW....

Know and project that you will be fine but in your heart you know she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life. That is true whether she's knows it or not. But that doesn't mean your life is over.

Just read parts of "Resilience"-- Elizabeth Edwards book. She lost her first born, and has cancer now that is terminal and her h has been a real pig with the public A. But she said her biggest regret is wasting so much time wanting her old life back; a huge event happened to her (several) and her life won't ever be the same again. She is not the same and never can be. She has changed. Her regret was trying to get back what was lost INSTEAD of recreating what she could with what she does have....good advice, (even if you didnt' support her h for President...I didn't, but I take her point). Do you see how this relates to your sitch? You are trying to gain back what cannot be. You can recover from this but you cannot pretend you have not been wounded deeply and don't need to heal. You do.

Start believing that you will be fine no matter what. When you "give this to God" it doesn't mean you don't do anything, or just start quoting scripture and assume she'll come back and all you have to do is "be patient". She has free will (something k4 cannot accept but you can). So you will need to start believing that God is sending you what you need, not necessarily what you think you want....

Whether it is peace, strength, maybe OW someday...whatever it is, God is sending you good things right around the corner and now when you turn this over to Him, don't take it back. Leave it in His hands and move on in your life. That does NOT mean give up. It means grow for real, drop the rope, and let her find out what she cannot find out while living under the same roof.

And see a doc for the panic attacks if you are having too much trouble. You need to be able to sleep to think straight and you can't lose your job now. Get some help for that, and know that I say this from experience. WE do have to function. Even if the WAS isn't...be strong, I DO KNOW you will be alright Stuck.

A year or 2 from now, you'll be a very good place. With or without her. I just know it.

Sorry for your pain.

j-