OUCH!!! I know I still need support. The turn around happened after the weekend in CA. It had to do with a lunch I had with him when I was really intending to tell him I was letting go. Didn't quite come out though. We talked about the impact on the kids because that day I got 2 progress reports from school about my 2 older kids who are both honor students, my S 18 was failing every class. My D13 was failing 4 classes. I told him. They also had been sick for almost 10 days and they never get sick. When I took them to the doctor, there was nothing wrong other than stress. I shared that with him. I reminded him of us being in each others lives forever with the kids. It was a good talk, no tears, no emotion until I was leaving and he gave me a big hug and I broke down a little and said I am not ready to let you go today. He came home that night with a changed mind. Not really sure what the trigger was.
As for the sex part. I am not some religious prude that can't see past the "sin" of what happened. all I was saying is that I believe that sex is the closest most intimate thing you can share with someone and I do hold that very dear. That is why the pain hurts so much, like anyone who is betrayed, that is not so intimate any more because it is no longer special with the two of you, because someone else played with the same toy. That's all I was saying there.
I know I still need a lot of help. My mood changes by the hour. Sometimes I can totally see past all this and think it was just sex and I really had pushed him away but now he is back and we will get his back on track. Then reality hits me of how bad the hurt is and how my skin crawls thinking of him inside another woman. The I get angry and want to bail myself. Then I think of my end goal of wanting to hold my marriage together and realize how strong I am and that I won this battle. I realize how good it is for the kids. Then i will talk to him on the phone or get a nice text and be pretty happy again until I hear a love song or see a love scene on tv or something and the whole vicious circle starts again.
We are planning to go away for the weekend tomorrow together and I look forward to it, then I dread it. I am very much on the fence about if I can get through this myself. I doubt myself if I really even want him after what he has done. Then I am glad he is here. Then two days ago the OW called me and pretended to be a hotel agent and used her name as the Mrs. and wanted to verify hotel stays in October. Then she hung up on me and then called and hung up 4 times. When I brought this up to him he was very apologetic and asked me if I wanted to change the home number, but that he would NOT reach out to her because that is what she wants him to do. I was glad about that. I don't want him to reach out to her. so I am going to change the phone number.
Anyways, that is where I am at now. I still need advice. please don't stop helping. I will let you know how the weekend goes.
