More learning and more insights have changed the way we see each other today. H has experienced insight into the way that his drinking changed his perception and role in the relationship breakdown. H is changing the way he views me, not the enemy but the friend.
I see a person working very hard to rebuild his life.
Change is not a straight line - it is a long, curvy line with peaks and lows, and with each bump in the road, we gain more experience of change and strengthen our journey.
Feeling deeply overwhelmed by the presence of grace and healing in my life and my H's life today.
Trying to stay focused on my own healing first. Praying for H's healing regardless of outcome. Compassion is tough stuff! ((B)).
Learned today to stay focused on my growth and not hold onto outcomes or things will end up right back where they came from. When will we learn that repeating the past doesn't work if we know how it ends up? LOL
Feeling uncomfortable around H - memories! ... of the past, not the present... getting in the way... urgh! I am afraid I will blow it just b/c I am having this trouble.
Ok, just talking to myself... just what I was afraid of happened last night. H said he felt I was distant from him wanted to know if it was true. I admitted it - reminded him that I didn't want to jump back into our relationship the same way as before b/c it always ends up where it is now. Thought we should do something different. I also thought that some of it was my feeling sad and missing my kids. So,now he is mad b/c I am not available to him in the same way as before... he started the ole "well if you need time and space then we can cancel our plans for the weekend and try again next weekend". Now I was hurt - same S*** different day. He admitted his intention was to do something good as usual and it is coming out all wrong. Said it was late for him and he was tired so he thought it best not to continue the discussion and hangup on a good note instead of a bad one. (in what universe is it ending on a positive note?) Anyway, I couldn't get to sleep most of the night upset. In the morning he calls to say he can come over but his sense was that I was depressed about the kids and not missing him at all. I corrected his "deafness" and reminded him that I told him I was upset that I lost both the kids and him last month. I am alone for the first time in 27 years! I think that is a major adjustment! I also reminded him that I could use a "friend" to talk to and he is all I have - but his response was that he didn't want to talk about the kids - he wanted me to want to be with him and not be depressed. Later he started an argument over - angry that I didn't talk to him about missing the kids - angry that he doesn't want to talk about them - resents that I don't call him to talk when upset - but doesn't get that he doesn't want to listen. (round to round we go) So I said, well you have your stuff to resolve with you, and I have my stuff to resolve with me, which means that we can't be there for each other right now - therefore - you can keep on arguing and upsetting us both more - or you can choose to be silent and stay close to each other. Reponse - fine I will be silent!
Update... more talking to myself I guess... H called later in the evening to apologize for what he said last night. Being realistic to some extent with those thoughts, but he still verbalizes a sense of loss with me. Well I say - "what did you think would happen when you decided not to move forward with our marriage?" - "how did you think you would feel? and I would feel?" or maybe he just didn't think at all.
I know it's hard. They can't be consistent and it's very very difficult.
Originally Posted By: kassie
he wanted me to want to be with him and not be depressed.
This quote just shows how much growing he still needs to do...that's an example of how they can't cope with other people's feelings, and want things how they want them, and not empathize, and control what other people feel and how they express it.
I'm sorry you're going through this transition and trying to deal with this at the same time. What kind of support are you getting outside of this R? Do you have a sponsor?
Wish I could talk more but I'm leaving for a couple days. Thinking of you though...
More of the same... H called this morning to say he is not feeling right with the relationship on his side and he wants some time to process his thoughts and feelings.
Well... not more of the same for me. I am going to putter around the house today. Relax, read, (hopefully the renovations in my home will be finished today) and maybe some shopping later.
I have had a draining week at work, got to see my kids, H doesn't know what he wants... so I will just do my own stuff and be ok.
I am thinking about sending this email - any comments?
"...why is it that our relationship doesn't heal? Just a question to ask yourself? What would it look like and what do you think has to happen? And if your answer begins with changing me - then you are not looking to heal yourself - if are listening at all to what I have been saying on the phone, it is that part of my healing is to ask that i am treated with love, respect, kindness, caring, understanding and a concern that I am living my best life.
This is a request on my part if the relationship is to continue. I would like you to consider how much you are invested in this relationship and how much are you willing to do to save it. Controlling your addiction does make a difference in the type of relationship that we can have - but it is something you did and continue to do for yourself not the relationship. The kids moving forward in their lives is the natural course of life and has nothing to do with our relationship. The point being this, I see these prior issues as decoys for what is really not working in our relationship. Our relationship has been affected by these former factors but the fact that removing them from the relationship itself has not resulted in any improvement.
Neither of us wants to be part of a negative relationship. What makes it so hard to have a positive relationship - and I am asking you to look inward not at me for the answer to that one.
