Quote: Just trying to sort through all this and figure out what is best for everyone, but I need to focus that on the kids and I and let everyone else deal with themselves.
Jackie,
You are exactly right here. I know him moving out looks bad right now but maybe it will be a good thing. No more walking on egg shells no more having to see him everyday and not be able to please him. You will be able to focus your energy on taking care of you and the kids.
Quote: I know him moving out looks bad right now but maybe it will be a good thing.
I agree. I don't know if I could have done what I did to turn myself around if H would have stayed at home vs. moving in with OW. Believe me it was awful for awhile, but it gave me so much free time to be just me, to soul search, and to think and to really focus on ME and our son. I am so much more relaxed that if H does come back I don't ever want to lose that relaxed feeling or go back to walking on eggshells.
It'll be hard, but it does get easier, I know I've been there. AND, things are turning around for the better ever so slowly.
I think it is true that once this initial pain is over, that getting off the eggshells will allow me to concentrate more on myself and the kids. As much as I can try to do that now, it is always in the back of my mind how H will view what I do. Like a chess match is always being played.
My best friend told me I'm a big, fat loser (or that is how H will view me) and a pushover for letting him stay here the next two weeks. I just keep having that run through my head. I see the danger in other's advice, they see your pain and react to it. I don't want to be a pushover, but I don't want to be the one who forces him to leave, it needs to be his decision. I want to continue to honor my vows, even in this horrible time.
Quote: My best friend told me I'm a big, fat loser (or that is how H will view me) and a pushover for letting him stay here the next two weeks. I just keep having that run through my head. I see the danger in other's advice, they see your pain and react to it. I don't want to be a pushover, but I don't want to be the one who forces him to leave, it needs to be his decision. I want to continue to honor my vows, even in this horrible time.
I do not want to be rude, but your BEST friend should be helping you, not be adding to your woes. I do not see how can you be a pushover for letting him stay in the house. If you were begging him to stay or something... In any case, it is your life and your M, not hers. Do what you think is right for you. But think before you act
I would just ignore him. Do what you think you have to do regardless of what he thinks of it. Be yourself, and take care of yourself. Do not be aggressive or rude or bitter towards him, just do not include him in your plans. Act as if he had already left and you had some acquaintance staying over for a couple of weeks.
And start going out on your own, even if it is only to the movies. Take advantage of his being there and leave him to babysit Surprise him. Let him glimpse the Jackie he is going to miss
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Can I make it 6 out of 6?! ... OK, I know I'm late getting on the bandwagon...
... but I recall you post you really didn't know who Jackie is? This is the prime time to start that journey of self-discovery. Who is Jackie? We already learned what she is not ... she is not the perfect wife nor can she please everyone all the time. That's a false image because those are impossible goals to achieve ... noble to strive for but still impossible none the less. So what goals can Jackie achieve so she will get to know herself better and become more like the person she wants to be ... the person she would want others to get to know too.
Can I make it 6 out of 6?! ... OK, I know I'm late getting on the bandwagon...
... but I recall you post you really didn't know who Jackie is? This is the prime time to start that journey of self-discovery. Who is Jackie? We already learned what she is not ... she is not the perfect wife nor can she please everyone all the time. That's a false image because those are impossible goals to achieve ... noble to strive for but still impossible none the less. So what goals can Jackie achieve so she will get to know herself better and become more like the person she wants to be ... the person she would want others to get to know too.
Can I make it 6 out of 6?! ... OK, I know I'm late getting on the bandwagon...
... but I recall you post you really didn't know who Jackie is? This is the prime time to start that journey of self-discovery. Who is Jackie? We already learned what she is not ... she is not the perfect wife nor can she please everyone all the time. That's a false image because those are impossible goals to achieve ... noble to strive for but still impossible none the less. So what goals can Jackie achieve so she will get to know herself better and become more like the person she wants to be ... the person she would want others to get to know too.
'til later,
KAW
P.S. How'd I get here twice? and I missed a whole new page prior to posting ... oh well ...
KAW voiced his opinion three times so if I agree is that 10 out of 10?
Your friend doesn't understand your position, only you and the rest of us here. The last couple of weeks will suck regardless of how well prepared you are, remember mine gave me a moving out date 11 months in advance. Take care of yourself and your boys, being seperated does suck but it is a million times better than putting up with a MLCer in the house.
I'm in too, throw the bum out! Talk about having his cake and eating it too! I don't want you to be bitter or angry, but here is a fine 180 to pull on him. Tell him that he can stay at a Motel 8 where he's expected to pay for the services you are providing.
I also think that you could send a strong message to your H by having a party on the night he leaves. Why not have a girls night out at your house? Do whatever you want, drink wine, make quilts, bash men as long as you have your friends around you on the day he leaves. I'm sure doing this would suprise him, I'm sure he thinks you'll be at home sobing over him or something to that extent.
I just don't want you to feel walked on by your H. You are too kind of a woman and deserve better. I feel like you are letting him get away with things. Besides, anyone that lets you go is a loser. I've seen your work in action at the beach, I couldn't believe all you said to me was "You are a messy cook" After all that you did that night, I was sure to get a fry pan to the head! If you did all that for me, I know you do tons more for your H. I think that you are way too good for him.
Good luck, I hope that your days of walking on eggshells are over soon.
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I am really happy there were some smiles on your trip to Disney. I was glad to read that and also that there were some helpful folks around when you needed them.
I do think your H is going to have to move out to figure himself out and that will take you off of the egg shells. But I can't imagine how difficult it is knowing this ahead of time for that long and having him still in the house. At least in my case it all happened real fast.
Going with everyone else here. Detach and take care of Jackie and the kids. Try not to let bitterness or anger come out in your dealings with h but no catering to him either.
{{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Surprise him. Let him glimpse the Jackie he is going to miss 
and I missed a whole new page prior to posting ... 
oh well ...
