Newbie.....dealing with a MLC'er....

[mountain_west]

you really are an Angel, just disguised as a Doofus

Mach, sounds like a country song. Haha

[drewnole]

We agreed on a time on a few occassions. She justs continues to test my limits by asking me even though we have discussed it over and over.

[Was2sad]

Drew

Your son needs the best you have. Might include tough love for mom.

Establish pickup time. Establish civil arrangements you both expect if she fails. There are Control Issues with the MLCer. When you want to control your life or your son's, you're saying you want to cotrol her - and that means war.

Consistent efforts can establish a cut off time for changing pre-established pickup arrangements. It isn't on you to fold the tent and surrender your rights or your son's best interests.

Keep detail notes of what is working and what isn't. You may need to show you repeatedly try without reciprocation. You may have to defend allegations that you're a monster. She's evolving and may change without warning. You may be challenged on custody or accused of abuse. Not because she wants to be best mom, but because she suddenly needs to destroy all challeners.

Waiting for her at the home is like waiting on a door to door salesman. Consider a regular schedule of entertaining your son with activity at a park, McDonald, or any fun venue. It would be good for both of you to get out. It would provide a regular limited opportunity for her pickup in a public place. PlanB for you and your son could be lunch or movie, etc if she no-shows. Don't make excuses for mom. You both have grown up problems that make life hard, and might sometimes keep mom from being able to show up at the last minute. Such is life. Enter PlanB for everyone.

Amy gave great insight as always. There've been many writings here and in books about the human brain, behavior, and dependencies. By now you should have seen reference to 180s. That is the MLCer becoming the total opposite of their old self. That is you changing anything about your old self. There are good and bad 180s. Depressed people self medicate. MLCers at their core, are or become depressed. They might drink like no tomorrow. They might experiment with drugs. They might abuse prescriptions. They might seek new friends that don't judge thier changes. They might seek intimacy with someone new that 'understands' them; their new self.

New relations cause the brain to release natural chemical agents. The affect is welcome to the MLCer. It may stimulate highs they haven't had for some time; since depression. It may satisfy the new desire to please Self. The emergence of a new Super Ego is natural in MLC. They pleased the world and the world failed them. They must now please themself. It is addicting on chemical and emotional levels. It's their new monkey; a pet they enjoy at first. It'll eventually disappoint or fail them just as the world did before MLC. Once the monkey starts consuming all she has, destroying everything, and tossing cr@p at her - it'll be time for a new monkey. MLC starts out as a party. It begins to suck the life out of the MLCer; the only one that can stop it. The MLCer can't and won't listen while denying all prior logic. Everyone is wrong and no one understands, except the new monkey.

Some try to help and become the damaged bystander. New friends come and go. Some MLCers never make the decision to leave the party or develop the will. She could wake up a better person, or let the monkey destroy everything. Everyone else is blamed for her pain. Those who remain the closest are convenient to blame the most.

You're trying to understand without becoming stuck. Thank you. Many fight it, creating thread after thread about their painful existence in a desperate search of a cure for the lost loved one. People come to a place of understanding in their own time. We know where the new members are coming from, and we know their grief. We hope to see you and your son discover your absolute best in the days to come.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Was,

: ) glad your back kicking up dust around here.

[drewnole]

Was,

That was very enlightening. I have read about doing a 180 on a few threads.

In my case, how would I complete a 180?

My friends and family consider me to be an easy going person. Would that mean I should become the opposite when she's around?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

A 180 as you grasp is a reversal of a habit...

usually a BAD habit, or something you think could use some change.

From easy going...which doesn't seem like a bad thing...the opposite doesn't mean over bearing asshat...well it does...but in this case not being as easygoing would be a 180 change as well.

If you think your too easy going, or a pushover...then yes change. But drew, change for you, not because you think it is going to peak her interest.

This is for you...for all intensive purposes, the changes are for you and I want you to remeber this...

F her.

She likely won't like them anyhow and accuse you of too little too late...so again refer to above sentence.

[Amy40]

F her.

Jack is right.

That's precisely the attitude you're going to have to take (INTERNALLY - I can't stress that enough! Many MLC females are vicious. Don't go there).

The worst thing you can do for yourself is strategize because the odds are astronomical that you're going to get smacked down every single time.

So any changes you decide to make, make them because YOU want to make them. For YOU.

[drewnole]

Jack,

Thanks for explaining it. At this point, I don't care what she thinks. I am proceeding with my life. I will definitely not sit and wait hoping she will get through this soon.

Life is short.

I have an appointment with my realtor tomorrow to look at some homes.

Usually, my MLC'er would let me today what time she would pick up our son on Sat. I have not heard from her.

I am thinking of taking my S along to view homes. Is that a good idea?

I feel that at times she wants me to tell her to not pick him up. Because if she says she will not pick him up, the guilt must eat her up inside.

If I tell her not to, she probably doesn't feel as guilty.

Does anyone believe that to be true concerning the guilt a MLC'er feels?

[drewnole]

Amy,

I have noticed how much angrier she has become. Are those hormones talking?

Or, is that just a symptom? She goes from being angry, sad, happy each time I see her.

[Amy40]

Amy,

I have noticed how much angrier she has become. Are those hormones talking?

Or, is that just a symptom? She goes from being angry, sad, happy each time I see her

LOL - I haven't known ya long enough to give you a virtual smackdown yet so I'm gonna let the hormone remark fly.

Listen, this isn't menopause or anything like it.
It's not biological or physiological or neurological (though at times that one could be hotly debated!).

MLC is a life crisis.
At it's heart it is emotional.
Yes, mood swings are an earmark.

I remember everything but the spewing of green stuff and my head spinning around. I was a hateful MLCer. And my spouse took the brunt of it. My words were vicious. I'd always been more of a passive-aggressive type personality but in fullout MLC that changed and to call me 'mean' would be an understatement. Whereas before I'd bite my tongue over things and measure my words, in MLC if I felt even remotely backed into a corner my previous tendency to be silent left me and I no longer had that ability, try as I might - which wasn't often. Gone also was my ability to rationalize and sympathize. EVERYTHING was a personal attack against ME and I reacted accordingly and I HATED.

You should try not to take things to heart or too seriously. Most of what she says in anger will just be spew. She can't yet look inward and discover the roots of the problems. That takes a lot of time. As I've said before some don't do that at all...
But do listen and keep your ears open because at some point something she says will probably ring true in your spirit and you'll identify an area you need to work on. We can learn from ANYONE. Even a b*tching MLC woman

As for the tears, well....those are gonna happen too.
I'd say just listen and validate whenever, wherever you can if she talking to you. DO NOT TRY TO FIX. That's the biggest mistake men make. I know it is deeply ingrained into most of you to want to fix - and it's not your fault - it's what you are taught. But you can't fix this. It's about her life, her past, her present, her future.

Hopefully at some point she'll at least wake up enough to be the mother her son deserves. Hopefully she'll have the guts it takes to walk out of this in one piece. That won't happen unless she completely shatters first though. Let her go and take care of yourself and your child. That's the best gift you can give to yourself. And your son. And also to her.