..I do want a mutually rewarding relationship, but I sure wouldn't want to say the stuff you quoted. I got bored just reading it. tiredI don't want a relationship that puts me to sleep and feels more like work than fun.
If we can find our way back to each other, I'm ready to work at it every day. Relationships based just on fun are called affairs.
I am certainly not talking about a marriage based just on fun. What I have said is that the fun - work ratio is way out of whack. What is the freaking point of being together if you don't have fun together. It seems to me that my H started seeing me as a workhorse from the day we married. It's awful.
Of course I enjoy being pursued. Is there a woman who doesn't?
Originally Posted By: robx
the real question is do you want to be honest with yourself & your spouse and say "hey the relationship we had didn't work, can we be adult, put our cards on the table, say EXACTLY what we want from each other and work towards this goal which would be one of many goals we would work on together and create a relationship that is lasting & mutually rewarding & fulfilling?"
So you would rather be pursued and generate excessive drama rather than resolving your issues? He pushes, you push back. He stops pursuing, so you stop pursuing too. You spend alot of time analyzing his emails and what you think he might be thinking about you and the marriage.
I don't see pursuit and dealing with issues as mutually exclusive. I said I enjoy being pursued, not that I enjoy "excess drama". Not sure where you got that.
Yeah, I spend waaay to much time trying to figure out what he is thinking.
Originally Posted By: robx
Is any of this about resolving your marriage issues & being honest with each other?
Not at the moment obviously. He is not interested in resolving issues and being honest right now.
Originally Posted By: robx
Quote:
...I do want a mutually rewarding relationship, but I sure wouldn't want to say the stuff you quoted. I got bored just reading it. I don't want a relationship that puts me to sleep and feels more like work than fun.
So you want a fantasy instead of reality. You want it to be perfect. It won't be perfect with him or anyone else. Fantasy is just that, fantasy. Real life, real problems, all require work, and working on it can suck but anything worth the price is worth the effort.
It won't be perfect with him or anyone else. Fantasy is just that, fantasy. Real life, real problems, all require work, and working on it can suck but anything worth the price is worth the effort.
A relationship where you have fun with your spouse, go out, vacation, laugh together, in addition to handling the details of domestic life, is not fantasy. It is the reality of most of the relationships I have seen.
I know that relationships are imperfect and require effort. IMO, it is my H who does not comprehend this and is thus off in fantasy land.
Good you get where I'm going but maybe I wasn't clear on the latter part. Is he off in "fantasy land" because the fun was missing in your relationship, maybe he felt it was too much work and too little fun/reward.
Basically Dudess wants her H to want her for her and she wants to know it & feel it. What I said is does he know he's wanted by Dudess.
All this backing up, non-pursuit, may create some mystery but is it showing anyone that they are wanted?
Showing him that I wanted him got me nowhere. If my suspicions are correct, my H cancelled our planned vacation so he could try again with a woman he pursued, and was rejected by for YEARS.
Of course I enjoy being pursued. Is there a woman who doesn't?
Originally Posted By: robx
the real question is do you want to be honest with yourself & your spouse and say "hey the relationship we had didn't work, can we be adult, put our cards on the table, say EXACTLY what we want from each other and work towards this goal which would be one of many goals we would work on together and create a relationship that is lasting & mutually rewarding & fulfilling?"
So you would rather be pursued and generate excessive drama rather than resolving your issues? He pushes, you push back. He stops pursuing, so you stop pursuing too. You spend alot of time analyzing his emails and what you think he might be thinking about you and the marriage.
I don't see pursuit and dealing with issues as mutually exclusive. I said I enjoy being pursued, not that I enjoy "excess drama". Not sure where you got that.
Yeah, I spend waaay to much time trying to figure out what he is thinking.
Originally Posted By: robx
Is any of this about resolving your marriage issues & being honest with each other?
Not at the moment obviously. He is not interested in resolving issues and being honest right now.
Originally Posted By: robx
Quote:
...I do want a mutually rewarding relationship, but I sure wouldn't want to say the stuff you quoted. I got bored just reading it. I don't want a relationship that puts me to sleep and feels more like work than fun.
So you want a fantasy instead of reality. You want it to be perfect. It won't be perfect with him or anyone else. Fantasy is just that, fantasy. Real life, real problems, all require work, and working on it can suck but anything worth the price is worth the effort.
It won't be perfect with him or anyone else. Fantasy is just that, fantasy. Real life, real problems, all require work, and working on it can suck but anything worth the price is worth the effort.
A relationship where you have fun with your spouse, go out, vacation, laugh together, in addition to handling the details of domestic life, is not fantasy. It is the reality of most of the relationships I have seen.
I know that relationships are imperfect and require effort. IMO, it is my H who does not comprehend this and is thus off in fantasy land.
Good you get where I'm going but maybe I wasn't clear on the latter part. Is he off in "fantasy land" because the fun was missing in your relationship, maybe he felt it was too much work and too little fun/reward.
True for me but what to do now?
And don't even say beat out the younger, hotter, richer, more available girlfriend...(unless you have a how with that)...;)
And don't even say beat out the younger, hotter, richer, more available girlfriend...(unless you have a how with that)...;)
IMHO, don't try to beat out the OW. I tried the whole "be the better option" thing and it just didn't work for me. In the end I decided if the whore wants him then she can have him. If she's willing to steal a man and settle for a man who cheats on his partner then she's got big problems of her own. And I deserve better. And Dudess deserves better. And AAK deserves better.
I understand that people are here to save their marriages but I also believe that not all marriages are worth saving. I fall into the camp of save yourself first and whatever happens after that is gravy.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Today H emailed me that he had arrived at his friend's house in France. Told me what they had been doing.
Don't understand why H is doing this. I don't think it is just practical because he didn't give me a phone number where he could be reached for something urgent.
I didn't reply to his last email and I don't see any reason to reply to this one. Anyone see it differently?
On second thought, that wouldn't be good. Maybe better to move away from the drama, date some nice normal guys who treat you well. If they are young, hot, rich, etc., that's just a bonus. Let H try to compete with them on treating you great instead of superficial stuff.
I don't want a relationship that puts me to sleep and feels more like work than fun.
