My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[aliveandkicking]

but who cares what makes them stay or come back?

Depends on the sitch. You can't "make" another person happy if they are busy bruiting about how the don't really want to be there...trust me.

Really depends on all facets of the personalities and the situation.

Anyways, with that crazy rambling, this could be an opportunity. Maybe do some research into what the courts would do financially for you both with 50/50 child split. Show her how much different it's going to be when you governed by the courts as to what you and she will be obligated to be responsible for. Show her how tight things are going to continue to be. Not in a threatening kind of way, but use this as an opportunity for a reality check and the opportunity to show her you are looking at life with her as a divorced co-parenting unit......

Agree.

[billclay18]

Anyways, with that crazy rambling, this could be an opportunity. Maybe do some research into what the courts would do financially for you both with 50/50 child split. Show her how much different it's going to be when you governed by the courts as to what you and she will be obligated to be responsible for. Show her how tight things are going to continue to be. Not in a threatening kind of way, but use this as an opportunity for a reality check and the opportunity to show her you are looking at life with her as a divorced co-parenting unit......Confused?

I definitely see how this can be an eye opener for both the LBS or WAS, however the LBS can't show the WAS anything. It will be perceived as pressure, coercion, etc. This is a reality that must evolve on it's own. Unfortunately sometimes that doesn't happen until it's too late. As I stated earlier, my exW wanted and expected 20% of my income in CS in spite of having a 50/50 agreement and she continued with that expectation for 18 months until the day we went to court, the judge made his ruling of $162/mth and our D was finalized. She was a victim of her own unrealistic expectations or some bad legal counsel. Had she not been, maybe the reality of the potential outcome could have changed things.

My current W recently emailed me regarding her expectation that she's entitled to any equity in the house from the time we were married until I sell it (the house was mine before we got married). I explained to her back in June that the house had dropped significantly over the past 4 yrs. That should be obvious to anyone given the real estate market, however she chose to raise the issue again. So in an effort to drive the point home I let her know I'd be happy to split the equity with her...positive or negative equity. While I have no intentions of expecting her to share the loss with me, I'm hoping this will put an end to this discussion, plus it's my trump card. This is just another example of the unfounded expectations some spouses have regardless of the obvious facts right in front of them.

I guess it doesn't hurt to discuss these issues with your spouse, just don't be surprised if they don't hear it.

[faithisbelieving]

I told her again that I was sorry for the past and that I would do anything to change the past but I can't and what matters is what we do from today forward. We had to hangup but agreed to think more about the parental sharing stuff.

Why do you keep apologizing when your W is with another man?

Please stop this wuss behavior. You'll kick her further away, even in D.

FIB

[RedSoxFan]

I told her again that I was sorry for the past and that I would do anything to change the past but I can't and what matters is what we do from today forward. We had to hangup but agreed to think more about the parental sharing stuff.

Why do you keep apologizing when your W is with another man?

Please stop this wuss behavior. You'll kick her further away, even in D.

I'd love to hear more about your thoughts on this. Just so you have the background, I had an affair and left her a year ago. We have a separation agreement but no divorce. Her understanding is/was that we re were done. I asked her to reconcile 10 months later after she began a relationship with OM.

[RedSoxFan]

I had a great meeting with my IC this A.M. He told me that he felt like a different person walked in today. Letting go, detaching, healthy and happy. I feel like I've turned a big corner, not only in this sitch, but in my life. I'm happy, I'm going to do my best and things will sort out. Coach's laser strike with the one-word response a week or so ago really connected with me. I'm done whining. Time to "Lead" Not control, manipulate....Lead! I know I'm not out of the woods yet and I'm sure there will be tough times ahead...but it feels good to be back

Thanks to all of you for being here. I'm grateful beyond expression.

[billclay18]

Well that's nice to hear. Good for you!!! See, detaching, letting go...it really is for you.

[RedSoxFan]

I asked W for a copy of our separation agreement today so that I could share it with my attorney. I mentioned it as can you do me a favor on my way out the door to take D14 to a doctor's appointment this a.m. I signed and notarized the agreement but never had a copy. I guess that tells you what my state of mind was.

Anyway, she hit me with a text almost immediately:

That was an a$$hole thing to do. Do you intend to file for Divorce now? Try to [censored] me over again?! I was trying to keep this peaceful but we can do it your way.

So i reminded her that I love her and wasn't the one wanting a divorce and was just trying to protect myself (not the greatest choice of words by me )

She wrote that she never tried to hurt me or take advantage of me. I screwed her and she still didn't try to screw me. She resents all of this and our attorneys can talk.

Not hard to imagine why she hates me, is hurt and doesn't trust me. It's a tough line to walk trying to figure a path forward.

Anyway, this is about the time one year ago when everything went down....my leaving, etc. Yuck!

[aliveandkicking]

When you detach, you usually get challenged.

Stay centered.

[billclay18]

Ben,

You did nothing wrong, you should have a copy and you should be consulting a lawyer. Anger from her is better than indifference, but you don't need to be a part of it...detach, detach, detach!!!

[Stronger]

That's a strange reaction....was the sep. agreement in you benefit?