Over the Shock and GALing 6

[etrain]

Thinker...I see that your sitch has been going on for almost a year & I applaud you for sticking with things.

My M seems to be following a similar path as yours...W saying she never really loved me...no connection...doesn't work on our M because she doesn't think anything will change, etc. It's only been a month since I got the bomb dropped on me. I honestly don't know if we'll make it another day, let alone almost a year. I'm half expecting her to suggest a S or file for D every time I talk to her. Is that how you initially felt?

[Thinker]

etrain,

You can make it.

Yes, I felt the same as I expect you feel - pain, fear, loss, fear, shock, fear, shame, fear.

Things were going very bad very quickly.

I was trying to hang on - pursuing for all I was worth.

In fact my W did suggest both S and D on a number of occasions, and the first times really threw me for a spin.

It takes time. You can do it, but you have to go through the process yourself.

[ClingingToHope]

W saying she never really loved me...no connection...doesn't work on our M because she doesn't think anything will change, etc.

I heard the "She never really loved me" speech a couple of times. That hurt, but then I thought back and remembered the look on her face when we were together at the beginning. The times we were there for each other when parents died. The birth of our two daughters.

The love was there. Now, as it says I think in DR she's built a wall inside her to keep those feelings away and pretend they never existed.

It's going to take a lot of time -- and perhaps luck -- for her to knock down the wall. You can't do it.

It may not happen until after a D or very close to the culmination of a D.

The waiting is what is most frustrating.

[Fallgirl]

Wow! Just had the thril of going from your June post at the start of your Over the Shock and GALing 6 thread to this:-your W trying to get you to Retrouvaille!

Congrats Thinker!

I need some of your patience, patience,patience.

But your success-even just your getting to this point-is inspiring!

[Thinker]

Thanks Fallgirl,

But I don't have much patience right now. Reaching the end of my rope.

Fear: I am really afraid that things aren't going to change. That this R will just never be good. That the weight of the R will always be on me. That I will never get out of the role of Saviour/Scapegoat. That even if things reconcile, that I will just end up right back here in a few years when she pulls away again - a few more years lost to a bad R.

Anger: I hate the absolute apathy I get from her recently. Her attitude says "I don't care if you are in my life or not, just don't interrupt or bother me."

So yes, she is no longer actively leaving, and is no longer fighting against going to Retro. This has been really hard. Really.

[givingitmyall]

Thinker,

I understand. At least for me, this was a phase. Lots of indifference and even some resentment at first. It just takes time to get past this. You just have to be strong. Yes, you are carrying all the load right now. And, yes, it gets heavy at times. But, for me, I have to keep trying until I can tell my children I did everything I could to save the M. And mean it.

See what retro brings. We all know, there are no guarantees.

Focus on you. This always helped me when I was in a low spot (still have them). You have to be the one to meet yoir needs right now.

Typing on my blackberry so sorry for any typos.

[Thinker]

Thanks GIMA,

Definitely a low spot - and mostly self inflicted.

[Gardener]

Anger: I hate the absolute apathy I get from her recently. Her attitude says "I don't care if you are in my life or not, just don't interrupt or bother me."

Yep.
As I get angry at the same thing (and whole situation in general), I try to get to compassion (sympathetic pity). And however my emotions cycle lately, more and more I end up, simply, with disappointment in her.

[givingitmyall]

It happens. Its normal. You're tired. And its ok.

Just accept it for what it is, shake off the cobwebs and get back to it. You've been at this long enough to know what to do.

[antlers]

I have to keep trying until I can tell my children I did everything I could to save the M. And mean it.

That's a comforting thought to me...knowing that I did everything in my power to save the marriage...I really did. And I believe my children know that too.