Glad to hear you and the boys had a safe trip. I am so proud of you for going! As difficult and painful as it was, this shows how strong you are.
Just a few thoughts after reading your post -
Not meant as a 2x4, more of a gentle nudge-
Quote: when we drove by some hotels we had stayed at and realizing I wouldn't be able to ever afford them
This had to be difficult, but maybe try to be careful about thinking in terms of you already being a single mom. I feel sure anyone who goes through a separation thinks along those lines to some extent. (I find myself thinking through the logistics of being a single mom, and I think this is part of looking at all the possibilities and part of being a responsible adult with two children to care for.) And, there is a possiblity that things won't work out. But there is also a possibility that things will work out. I just worry that letting ideas like this dominate your thinking have the potential to affect your interactions with your H. Maybe a neutral position - maybe try to look at it as time away for your H to think things through??
When my H moved out I had scenes running through my head - holidays/high school graduation/our children's weddings, etc. I even pictured the OP attending these things and was thinking how will I deal with this, and I don't want to deal with this. One of my friends who knows about everything that's going on kept telling me "It is true that that may happen, but we're not there yet. You will deal with that when you get to that point if that point ever comes." It is so hard to fight those thoughts, but I think it's important to keep fighting them. They drain you emotionally and physically and can blind you to what's happening in the moment.
Quote: I was sad that I never really laughed but then thought that was quite normal for what I'm going through, and that at this point having smiles is good.
Having smiles at this point is excellent, and another sign of your courage and strength. Getting up out of bed, taking a bath, taking care of the boys are all huge accomplishments in this situation. One of my other friends tells me over and over and over (when I call crying about what a lousy job I'm doing),"But you got up today and got dressed. You bathed and fed and dressed and loved two children. That alone is something to be proud of." You are doing a tremendous job, Jackie, in extremely painful and stressful circumstances. You are inspirational!
Quote: H would call once a day to check in with that I really don't want to be talking to you but feel obligated to call type of voice.
Again, just a gentle word of caution. Who knows what your H is feeling/thinking? He may not even be able to tell you. Try to depersonalize his behavior, his tone of voice, his body language, etc. Let the discomfort and confusion be his. Put a little space between his actions and you. My H often seemed angry with me just after the bomb and for several months more. Some was anger at his situation, and I was an easy target, but I think some was b/c he felt/feels so guilty for he's doing.
Don't beat yourself up about being a little frazzled when he called. You took two small children to Disney by yourself! Overall, I think your goal of sounding OK and being upbeat is good, but I think the occasional dose of reality is OK too. I find myself doing the same thing if I "slip" and sound stressed about the children on the phone with my H. I think I should always sound OK and like things are perfectly fine and be happy, happy, happy, but that is not real world. Give yourself some room to be human.
Great job on not commenting when your H said that you were both thinking of separating! I think his wording says something about how comfortable he feels with what he is doing.
Quote: I don't know if I should push him or not about a date.
I vote to not push him for the details. Maybe just let it go. Keep taking care of the boys and of yourself. Keep being his friend and let it be about whether/when/if he will move.
I think the idea of being his friend is very good. It helps me keep myself in line emotionally. On thing I found really helpful along those lines in in DR. I have the hardback copy, and the testimonials I am refering to are on pp.137-140 (In the chapter called "Experiment and Monitor Results". The friendship part is on p. 137. The letter on pp. 138-140 has a list of do's and don'ts which I find very useful. I read them again and again. Just an idea. Another good passage is on p.243 (in the chapter on a depressed spouse)and begins "Try not to take things personally."
I understand completely about crying when you are treated kindly by a stranger in the context of being treated unkindly by the person you are married to. ((((Jackie))))
This is a tough time. But you are doing wonderfully. Hang in there, and take one day at a time, one hour at a time, 15 minutes at a time if you need to.
Thank you again for the brainstorming. I'm going to try and finish my goals today.
Thinking of you and saying prayers~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Mockers gave you amazing advice. I have nothing more to add but wanted you to know I was thinking and praying for you!
I am very proud of you for going to Disney alone! That did take a lot of courage. How did the boys like it?? Did you take any pictures? Focus on the positives!
Mockers, Thanks for all your help I'm re-reading that section in the book. My emotions are everywhere. I know it isn't definitely over, I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for that possibility. I don't know how much hope to have and when to be realistic.
DB, accentuate the positive, that seems years ago!
Nik, thanks for checking in. I took about 180 pictures! Need something for the new scrapbook.
Well, I didn't need to push. He told me 11/3 the lease starts on the townhome. He was angry telling me, he said he didn't know when a good time to tell me was, I never like talking about these things. I told him what did he want me to do, jump for joy he was leaving? I just sat and listened. I didn't beg, cry and try to reason with him. I think it pisses him off that I still see hope.
He slept in the guest bed for the first time last night. So for the next two weeks I'm supposed to cook him dinner and behave as normal. Is this act as if? I don't know if I can truly do this. I feel I have tried for so long, 1 year now, and I'm just plain exhausted and tired of giving. I want to crawl in a hole and just rest and be quiet.
He asked about Disney, told me he liked to call just to find out how the kids were doing as he felt bad that he left me alone. I told him I was sad seeing other families together and wondering what they have that I don't. He said a husband and then got upset at me for having negative feelings about myself! He says he wants to be my friend, but doesn't want to listen to what I really have to say. So what is the point of being a friend if I can't say how I feel?
I asked when he was planning to tell his folks, he said at the twins' baptism, when he sees them then. I opened my big mouth and said you can't do it then. Still butting in, but I think it is horrible to ruin their happy day, it's their day and should be day of joy. The baptism is the day before move out day. I have plans for that day, a big open house I'm organizing. I don't even know if I'm invited to go along. If so, do I dump my long term plans to go, or do I accept that at this point in time, this isn't my role. I'm also thinking about telling his brother what is going on, to prepare them and explain why I'm not there and have made no effort to see the twins. It is very important to me that my boys meet their cousins, the babies are 7 weeks old and they have never met (2 hours away), if things were normal, I would have had them there. But, I also don't want to ruin their day.
Where do I go from here? Act as if I'm happy he's home and cook dinner as normal? Let him fend for himself?
Go to the baptism or not? Keep my plans?
Is it time to tell my parents, after one year of this, why am I protecting him?
He told me if I'm happy being married to him and living this life, then shame on me, I should want more and shouldn't settle for so little. He laughed at me leaving it in God's hands, said this isn't His decision, but Hs.
I just feel so sad, not quite sure what to do next. I don't want to blow things, but I'm tired of attempting to please him and play the perfect wife.
Maybe it is time to stop playing the perfect W and just be you. I have been reading your sitch for a really long time now. You've tried to be perfect and do all the right things to draw him back in maybe it is finally time to detach and just let him see how it is with out you there to support him in all of his things. It seems to me that the perfect W thing isn't working. The book does say to do what works so try doing somthing different.
I am so proud of you for going on the making it through the Disney trip! It is so hard having to go thru first time experiences w/o H. But once you do it, you realize that you can. It makes it easier to detach and survive the endurance test in limboland.
I think maybe Grislen has a good idea. You have always been the perfect W, juggling a million things, making everything work out just right and taking care of everything. Maybe you need to let H take care of himself and make his own decisions. Maybe he will miss you more if he finds out what it is like to really be on his own.
Maybe you need to set some goals for yourself about how to act towards H while he is in the house. Perhaps courteous - but not happy. Maybe prepare meals for the family - but do not coordinate to make sure that the family necessarily waits for him if he is late coming home from work. Maybe let him do his own laundry. Perhaps even arrange to go out with friends one evening and have him watch the kids. I think you need some goals for yourself and what you need for you and your PMA so your life is not so H centered.
I am just brainstorming... Does anyone else have any ideas?
Jackie, I vote with Lee and Manisha. Live 'as if' he has left. Make plans for you and the kids and if he wants to come along it is his call but do not go out of your way for him. Do what you feel is right for you.
In my sitch, things started to turn around when I stopped caring about what he did. Then H started to look for me and seek time with me. Might work for you too. And if it does not, you are not worse off: you are still on your own.
I still think it is going to work out, but it will take time... Patience is the key.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Count my vote with the others...it is so hard to stop trying to make things right..I know..I don't call my h as much or ask him to do much..and I sometimes think that is what he wants..but who knows..I do know that when I started to take care of me..that I became happier and I feel stronger to deal with whatever lies ahead. Do things for you and your kids...
Well it is 5 for 5, how can I ignore that advice? I have done a bit of putting me first in the past year, but not very much. It is time to start doing that. I need to figure out what I want to do and how to go about it. Goals! I remember those. Time to start thinking in that direction again.
I didn't cook dinner last night, just couldn't do it. Usually we would go out on our anniversary (15 years), but cooking for a H who is just waiting for his townhome to be ready was beyond what I could do. He did say Happy Anniversary, I laughed adn said what was happy about it. He got mad at me, told me he was in a catch 22, if he didn't say anything he would get hell about it later. He tends to make a lot of assumptions about how I will respond to things.
He slept in the guest bed when I came up to bed (watching the Cubs lose ). I'm tyring to find my confort zone for the next two weeks, but mostly I'm just walking around like a zombie with tons to do and getting nothing done. Just trying to sort through all this and figure out what is best for everyone, but I need to focus that on the kids and I and let everyone else deal with themselves.
). I'm tyring to find my confort zone for the next two weeks, but mostly I'm just walking around like a zombie with tons to do and getting nothing done. Just trying to sort through all this and figure out what is best for everyone, but I need to focus that on the kids and I and let everyone else deal with themselves.