Is it time to go gucci?

[robx]

[quote=robx]you enjoy the pursuit,

Of course I enjoy being pursued. Is there a woman who doesn't?

the real question is do you want to be honest with yourself & your spouse and say "hey the relationship we had didn't work, can we be adult, put our cards on the table, say EXACTLY what we want from each other and work towards this goal which would be one of many goals we would work on together and create a relationship that is lasting & mutually rewarding & fulfilling?"

So you would rather be pursued and generate excessive drama rather than resolving your issues? He pushes, you push back. He stops pursuing, so you stop pursuing too. You spend alot of time analyzing his emails and what you think he might be thinking about you and the marriage.


Hey Dudess, I haven't chimed in on your thread for a while, so I'm trying to catch up but I'm seeing a recurring theme in alot of your posts and it's just from my point of view so take my posts as just an opinion.

Is any of this about resolving your marriage issues & being honest with each other?

...I do want a mutually rewarding relationship, but I sure wouldn't want to say the stuff you quoted. I got bored just reading it. I don't want a relationship that puts me to sleep and feels more like work than fun.

So you want a fantasy instead of reality.
You want it to be perfect.
It won't be perfect with him or anyone else.
Fantasy is just that, fantasy.
Real life, real problems, all require work, and working on it can suck but anything worth the price is worth the effort.

[robx]

Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I would not want my H to come back only, or even mostly, for the practical stuff. Our marriage got to the point of being almost all stay at home, no fun, no vacations, little sex, boredom. It just got way out of kilter rather than a blend of the two.

Oh yeah, I totally get that. You want to know that he wants you for you. And he should because you're awesome. And you deserve the marriage full of all the fun, vacations, sex and excitement you want. I think that the book was just pointing out that you are in a context and you can't be completely separated from it.

And yes, I agree with your thoughts on being a soft landing if the affair fails. Because it's human nature to take the path of least resistance and cake eating is just that.

They make me feel good and my ex-H told me they show off my ass great too.

Yay! I hope you had fun at the event too.

But are you accepting him for him?

We want to be accepted as is but seem to place conditions & pressure on other people to change so that they "fit" better in our lives.

I'm not defending him but how is that fair to him because it doesn't appear that he is being accepted as is and maybe he is tired of the struggle associated with having to fit in because apparently now he doesn't. We all want acceptance but when we want to be accepted as is, we usually have conditions on how we accept others in our lives.

[pearlharbr]

But are you accepting him for him?

That's not what I said. The statement and the sentiment isn't about accepting someone as they are, good points and faults, it's about wanting someone for the person s/he is and not what s/he can do for you or how s/he fits into your life.

Dudess was talking about her H's inability to make his own travel plans and missing the fact that she took care of these daily tasks. She doesn't want him to come back home because he can't function in daily life without her, she wants him to come back home because he loves her and appreciates her as a person.

If her H decides to come home and wants to work on the M then Dudess can decide if she loves and respects the person H is enough to want to work on the M herself.

[Dudess]

I know it's sad and disheartening right now, so I'm sending good thoughts your way.

I don't think the song lyrics set a good tone, gives him the impression that you're just sitting around pining for him. But good job on stating that your upcoming trip is strictly for pleasure.

Thanks pearl. I see that he could interpret the lyrics that way. Communicating in lyrics via email leaves a lot of room for (mis)interpretation.

[Dudess]

maybe you need to save these lyrics for next time he emails you?

No inhibitions-make no conditions
Get a little outta line
I ain't gonna act politically correct
I only wanna have a good time

Hope things work out. How long is he going to be in France? Is this to met an OW or with one? If not then I wouldn't worry too much about him because French women are not fools...they'll see his emotional baggage a mile away! Keep GALing!

I like those lyrics Buttercup.

Your guess is as good as his about how long he will be in France. He is going there to visit an old friend.

You say French woman are pretty good at spotting the difficult men? What do they know that we don't and how do we learn it?

[ClingingToHope]

..I do want a mutually rewarding relationship, but I sure wouldn't want to say the stuff you quoted. I got bored just reading it. tiredI don't want a relationship that puts me to sleep and feels more like work than fun.

Donald Trump had a good quote.

Marriage should be easy. I work all day. I shouldn't have to work at marriage when I get home.

He's been married three times. The point is marriage is work. I had a fantasy/unrealistic expectation of our marriage. That I would love her so much, she'd be blissfully happy and we would ride off into the sunset.

When things started to go wrong, I'd alternate between trying harder, and withdrawing because of hurt and confusion. I mean, I love her so much, why isn't like the fairytale?

It wasn't until the S that I saw my expectations were going to be hard for her to match. I just wore her down over the years.

If we can find our way back to each other, I'm ready to work at it every day. Relationships based just on fun are called affairs.

[Dudess]

Dudess...to him this is just a game of oneupmanship. Which, unfortunately, is probably his home turf. It really doesn't have anything to do with you, when it comes down to it. He just gets to protect himself in his old, ineffective ways.

What this note really told you is that he still can't take care of himself like a proper adult, he doesn't know how to handle the situation with you, and can't even get from point A to point B on a map without someone else doing it for him.

And that he's having minor surgery...(hint hint).

And he did fish to find out if you were "moving" moving, or just going on a trip. I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't care, it means he's trying to find out without acting like he cares. IMO.

Food for thought breakaway. You are very good at seeing the crux of a situation.

[Dudess]

you enjoy the pursuit,

Of course I enjoy being pursued. Is there a woman who doesn't?

the real question is do you want to be honest with yourself & your spouse and say "hey the relationship we had didn't work, can we be adult, put our cards on the table, say EXACTLY what we want from each other and work towards this goal which would be one of many goals we would work on together and create a relationship that is lasting & mutually rewarding & fulfilling?"

So you would rather be pursued and generate excessive drama rather than resolving your issues? He pushes, you push back. He stops pursuing, so you stop pursuing too. You spend alot of time analyzing his emails and what you think he might be thinking about you and the marriage.

I don't see pursuit and dealing with issues as mutually exclusive. I said I enjoy being pursued, not that I enjoy "excess drama". Not sure where you got that.

Yeah, I spend waaay to much time trying to figure out what he is thinking.

Is any of this about resolving your marriage issues & being honest with each other?

Not at the moment obviously. He is not interested in resolving issues and being honest right now.

...I do want a mutually rewarding relationship, but I sure wouldn't want to say the stuff you quoted. I got bored just reading it. I don't want a relationship that puts me to sleep and feels more like work than fun.

So you want a fantasy instead of reality.
You want it to be perfect.
It won't be perfect with him or anyone else.
Fantasy is just that, fantasy.
Real life, real problems, all require work, and working on it can suck but anything worth the price is worth the effort.

It won't be perfect with him or anyone else.
Fantasy is just that, fantasy.
Real life, real problems, all require work, and working on it can suck but anything worth the price is worth the effort.

A relationship where you have fun with your spouse, go out, vacation, laugh together, in addition to handling the details of domestic life, is not fantasy. It is the reality of most of the relationships I have seen.

I know that relationships are imperfect and require effort. IMO, it is my H who does not comprehend this and is thus off in fantasy land.

[Dudess]

But are you accepting him for him?

That's not what I said. The statement and the sentiment isn't about accepting someone as they are, good points and faults, it's about wanting someone for the person s/he is and not what s/he can do for you or how s/he fits into your life.

Dudess was talking about her H's inability to make his own travel plans and missing the fact that she took care of these daily tasks. She doesn't want him to come back home because he can't function in daily life without her, she wants him to come back home because he loves her and appreciates her as a person.

If her H decides to come home and wants to work on the M then Dudess can decide if she loves and respects the person H is enough to want to work on the M herself.

Yeah, what she said.

Well stated pearl.

[robx]

But are you accepting him for him?

That's not what I said. The statement and the sentiment isn't about accepting someone as they are, good points and faults, it's about wanting someone for the person s/he is and not what s/he can do for you or how s/he fits into your life.

Dudess was talking about her H's inability to make his own travel plans and missing the fact that she took care of these daily tasks. She doesn't want him to come back home because he can't function in daily life without her, she wants him to come back home because he loves her and appreciates her as a person.

If her H decides to come home and wants to work on the M then Dudess can decide if she loves and respects the person H is enough to want to work on the M herself.

I'm not sure I took it out of context but correct me if I'm wrong.

Basically Dudess wants her H to want her for her and she wants to know it & feel it. What I said is does he know he's wanted by Dudess.

All this backing up, non-pursuit, may create some mystery but is it showing anyone that they are wanted?