Mockers, Thanks for all your help I'm re-reading that section in the book. My emotions are everywhere. I know it isn't definitely over, I guess I'm trying to prepare myself for that possibility. I don't know how much hope to have and when to be realistic.
DB, accentuate the positive, that seems years ago!
Nik, thanks for checking in. I took about 180 pictures! Need something for the new scrapbook.
Well, I didn't need to push. He told me 11/3 the lease starts on the townhome. He was angry telling me, he said he didn't know when a good time to tell me was, I never like talking about these things. I told him what did he want me to do, jump for joy he was leaving? I just sat and listened. I didn't beg, cry and try to reason with him. I think it pisses him off that I still see hope.
He slept in the guest bed for the first time last night. So for the next two weeks I'm supposed to cook him dinner and behave as normal. Is this act as if? I don't know if I can truly do this. I feel I have tried for so long, 1 year now, and I'm just plain exhausted and tired of giving. I want to crawl in a hole and just rest and be quiet.
He asked about Disney, told me he liked to call just to find out how the kids were doing as he felt bad that he left me alone. I told him I was sad seeing other families together and wondering what they have that I don't. He said a husband and then got upset at me for having negative feelings about myself! He says he wants to be my friend, but doesn't want to listen to what I really have to say. So what is the point of being a friend if I can't say how I feel?
I asked when he was planning to tell his folks, he said at the twins' baptism, when he sees them then. I opened my big mouth and said you can't do it then. Still butting in, but I think it is horrible to ruin their happy day, it's their day and should be day of joy. The baptism is the day before move out day. I have plans for that day, a big open house I'm organizing. I don't even know if I'm invited to go along. If so, do I dump my long term plans to go, or do I accept that at this point in time, this isn't my role. I'm also thinking about telling his brother what is going on, to prepare them and explain why I'm not there and have made no effort to see the twins. It is very important to me that my boys meet their cousins, the babies are 7 weeks old and they have never met (2 hours away), if things were normal, I would have had them there. But, I also don't want to ruin their day.
Where do I go from here? Act as if I'm happy he's home and cook dinner as normal? Let him fend for himself?
Go to the baptism or not? Keep my plans?
Is it time to tell my parents, after one year of this, why am I protecting him?
He told me if I'm happy being married to him and living this life, then shame on me, I should want more and shouldn't settle for so little. He laughed at me leaving it in God's hands, said this isn't His decision, but Hs.
I just feel so sad, not quite sure what to do next. I don't want to blow things, but I'm tired of attempting to please him and play the perfect wife.
