The Thread With No Home

[mockers2]

Hi Jackie ~

Glad to hear you and the boys had a safe trip. I am so proud of you for going! As difficult and painful as it was, this shows how strong you are.

Just a few thoughts after reading your post -

Not meant as a 2x4, more of a gentle nudge-

when we drove by some hotels we had stayed at and realizing I wouldn't be able to ever afford them

This had to be difficult, but maybe try to be careful about thinking in terms of you already being a single mom. I feel sure anyone who goes through a separation thinks along those lines to some extent. (I find myself thinking through the logistics of being a single mom, and I think this is part of looking at all the possibilities and part of being a responsible adult with two children to care for.) And, there is a possiblity that things won't work out. But there is also a possibility that things will work out. I just worry that letting ideas like this dominate your thinking have the potential to affect your interactions with your H. Maybe a neutral position - maybe try to look at it as time away for your H to think things through??

When my H moved out I had scenes running through my head - holidays/high school graduation/our children's weddings, etc. I even pictured the OP attending these things and was thinking how will I deal with this, and I don't want to deal with this. One of my friends who knows about everything that's going on kept telling me "It is true that that may happen, but we're not there yet. You will deal with that when you get to that point if that point ever comes." It is so hard to fight those thoughts, but I think it's important to keep fighting them. They drain you emotionally and physically and can blind you to what's happening in the moment.

I was sad that I never really laughed but then thought that was quite normal for what I'm going through, and that at this point having smiles is good.

Having smiles at this point is excellent, and another sign of your courage and strength. Getting up out of bed, taking a bath, taking care of the boys are all huge accomplishments in this situation. One of my other friends tells me over and over and over (when I call crying about what a lousy job I'm doing),"But you got up today and got dressed. You bathed and fed and dressed and loved two children. That alone is something to be proud of." You are doing a tremendous job, Jackie, in extremely painful and stressful circumstances. You are inspirational!

H would call once a day to check in with that I really don't want to be talking to you but feel obligated to call type of voice.

Again, just a gentle word of caution. Who knows what your H is feeling/thinking? He may not even be able to tell you. Try to depersonalize his behavior, his tone of voice, his body language, etc. Let the discomfort and confusion be his. Put a little space between his actions and you. My H often seemed angry with me just after the bomb and for several months more. Some was anger at his situation, and I was an easy target, but I think some was b/c he felt/feels so guilty for he's doing.

Don't beat yourself up about being a little frazzled when he called. You took two small children to Disney by yourself! Overall, I think your goal of sounding OK and being upbeat is good, but I think the occasional dose of reality is OK too. I find myself doing the same thing if I "slip" and sound stressed about the children on the phone with my H. I think I should always sound OK and like things are perfectly fine and be happy, happy, happy, but that is not real world. Give yourself some room to be human.


Great job on not commenting when your H said that you were both thinking of separating! I think his wording says something about how comfortable he feels with what he is doing.

I don't know if I should push him or not about a date.

I vote to not push him for the details. Maybe just let it go. Keep taking care of the boys and of yourself. Keep being his friend and let it be about whether/when/if he will move.

I think the idea of being his friend is very good. It helps me keep myself in line emotionally. On thing I found really helpful along those lines in in DR. I have the hardback copy, and the testimonials I am refering to are on pp.137-140 (In the chapter called "Experiment and Monitor Results". The friendship part is on p. 137. The letter on pp. 138-140 has a list of do's and don'ts which I find very useful. I read them again and again. Just an idea. Another good passage is on p.243 (in the chapter on a depressed spouse)and begins "Try not to take things personally."


I understand completely about crying when you are treated kindly by a stranger in the context of being treated unkindly by the person you are married to. ((((Jackie))))

This is a tough time. But you are doing wonderfully. Hang in there, and take one day at a time, one hour at a time, 15 minutes at a time if you need to.

Thank you again for the brainstorming. I'm going to try and finish my goals today.

Thinking of you and saying prayers~