Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[etrain]

The error most people seem to make (indeed I think I made) is to be so afraid of losing your M, that you don't stick up for yourself.

And by not sticking up for yourself, you lose the chance to save your M.

If there is an A, the best answer is "You are a grown adult and I can not tell you what to do, but I will not share you with another man in any way shape or form". You may not continue to see him and stay married to me at the same time. If you continue the A, then please leave this house now."

You have to wait on saying this until you can say it in a calm strong and confident way - no begging, no yelling.

You have to wait on saying this until you really mean it and can follow through on the consequences, including throwing your spouse out, initiating D yourself, etc.
It forces your spouse to confront the full facts of what she is doing and the consequences of it.

When you say this, you have to be fully emotionally prepared to follow through immediately.

Now that makes a lot of sense. But I think I'd need more evidence to make such an ultimatum. If I try it right now, all I'll get is anger & more denials.

[etrain]

This is the thread I should have posted the below listed comments on:

How are most PA's and EA's discovered? Is it because of the snooping of the spouse or do they slip or do the cheaters come to a realization that they were wrong and amdit it? If I confront the W one more time about an A there will be some serious consequences. Ive been treated as if I am the worst person ever for even asking. This is horrible because I trust her sincerity to me when she denies any PA or EA but this board sure makes it look like that is typical behavior for someone involved in an A. Best or not, I am still holding onto the hope and faith that she has been honest with me.

When women in EA's deny being involved in such, are they typically straight up lying to protect themselves, knowing that what they are doing is wrong or do they really believe what they are doing is innocent.

I suspect that any further suspicion on my part will kill the R.

I have all those same questions...but very few answers. Yes, I want to know if she's having an A so I'll know what I'm up against. But I need to be very careful. She's already furious about me reading her email & FB IM's a couple weeks ago. I really should have continued to gather more evidence instead of confronting her so soon...she barely uses our PC anymore because she's worried that I'm snooping.
If she's carrying on an A, she must be communicating through work email...which I'll never know about, or her cell...and cell records are easily deleted.
Short of hopping in my car (with our son) and following her when she tells me she's going somewhere, there's not much I can do to find out the truth. Asking her is pointless. She only gets defensive & angry.
Unless she really slips up or comes right out & tells me, I'm afraid I'll probably continue to be in the dark.

[etrain]

Thinking about sending my W a quick email asking how she's doing today but I'm so confused that I'm second guessing everything.
She said she likes affection so maybe that would be a nice little gesture. Or should I be giving her space & waiting for her to come to me instead?
I don't know what to do.

I'm really feeling that this weekend will be crucial. My W actually stayed home last night. We had our S's soccer game so I'm sure that's part of the reason. We got along at the game, had dinner & watched TV together afterward. Laughed a little while watching/discussing our shows. Sure, it wasn't romantic but at least she was more friendly.

Now comes the test. I'm waiting to see if she comes up with a reason to leave the house tonight. If she doesn't, I'm thinking about asking if she wants to do some of the exercises in the "marriage book" she promised the counselor she would try. That could backfire horribly...but we have to try something.

Tomorrow, I'm taking my S to my college's Homecoming football game, where I'm meeting up with some old college friends. (GAL'ing) I've already told my W that she's welcome to come along...she hasn't told me yet if she's coming.

So...will she stay put tonight? If so, will she agree to try the marriage exercises? Will she decide to attend the game with me tomorrow?
Am I stressed out about all of this? Sure I am.

[Thinker]

Watch the pursuit. You can't force her to do marriage exercises if she doesn't want to. You can't chase her down and catch her. If she wants to go out, she goes out - get a babysitter and go out yourself.

Focus on yourself.

What do you have to do to ensure and assure yourself that if your W d's you, you will be OK and will continue on living a happy, fulfilling, love-filled life?

Face the fear.

Detach.

[futureunknown]

Thinking about sending my W a quick email asking how she's doing today but I'm so confused that I'm second guessing everything.

Trust your instincts. If you're hestitating about something, don't do it. Pursing is probably not the best course. Detach, and see if she comes to you.

[etrain]

Detaching might be the right thing to do...but it goes against all of my instincts and that makes it so hard to do. Maybe my lousy instincts are what got me into this sitch in the first place.
Okay, no email. Only 2 more hours left in the workday. I can make it.

If my W goes out tonight, It will give me some more time with my son, time to get in a good workout after I put him to bed, and some time to read DR. I'm only about 30 pages in so far.

[Thinker]

Yes, Detaching is completely counter-instinctive.

But you have to do it.

[d1adsl5a]

don't do it etrain. Doesn't do any good. Been there done that..And I am still no where and further in limbo land.

[etrain]

I didn't send the email. I didn't want to come off as pursuing her. She actually wound up staying home last night, but mostly because she has a bad cold, I think. I imagine she'll use the cold as her reason to not go to the football game with my S & I today. We'll see.
Anyway, we ate together & watched a little tv last night. But no R talk...no marriage exercises. She literally spent 3 hours on the phone with her cousin, which I took as her way to "get away" from me even though under the same roof.
Well, we'll see how today goes. I plan on having fun w/ my S & college friends whether W is with me or not.

[etrain]

Boy, I nailed that one. W won't be going w/ us today because of her cold. Gives me a chance to do some GAL'ing, I suppose.
I wonder if she'll have a miraculous recovery and head out 5 minutes after I leave the house. Meh.