Divorced and want to reconcile...

[ShockedOne]

I don't want to hijack this thread here, but JMC, her work email? The home computer and her account as your wife are one thing, but getting into her work email, I would be afraid of leagalities there, unless this is a company owned by you or her.

Myself, I don't see me ever being back together with with my WAXW. Too many hurtful words and actions. I can't forsee the future, but it would be a long hard road to repair the damages, if it could ever be done.

[JMC]

I do not disagree Shocked. All I can say is that I was in full spy mode and desired to know all I could. I have told very few people of that transgression. She accessed her work email from the home computer, and I was able to get her password from the spyware I installed.

[JMC]

Hi Mar - Perhaps you have addressed in another thread, but how/why did your A end? How long did it last? Was he married or in a relationship?

the emotional stuff would still be there and I didn't know if I could do that at that point, because the emotional stuff would interfere

Sounds like MLC.

[mar1713]

No I haven't discussed it. It's really difficult for me to discuss that part, but I will here since it might help. Basically I knew this person years ago. It didn't end well then, however, 8 years after the fact he showed up in my life by a chance meeting and it was about the same time I realized I would stay in my marriage forever despite our differences we couldn't seem to get past (we had a terrible counselor!) DIdn't know that at the time.
Anyway, the EA happened because we started working together and because he was so convincingly sorry of how things ended years ago and I fell for every romantic line he gave me and without going into all the details, he convinced me he wanted to marry me all these years. So I ended up getting the feelings, emotionally, that I had been pretty much begging my husband for. My husband said he just wasn't that kind of guy. He's not very physical, passionate but he is Everything else. To put it in a nutshell, I was sex-starved (not that it didn't happen, I just felt it was more of a job for him). As I had the feelings of undesireablity from my H, we would argue because I became more insecure thinking others would be more appropriate for him. At the same time, of course the EA started.
I did not want to cheat or lead my H on, I had too much respect for him to do that, so I quickly came clean with the feelings I was having and that's when according to him he wanted me to choose and he thinks I chose the OM, but what I really wanted to hear was that he didn't want it to end, for me to come back and we could find another counselor and work things out. I never stopped loving him, I wanted him back 1 month after our divorce was final, but I never thought he'd take me back, so my assumption was: I made my bed...deal with it. Anyway, He moved out so fast at the time, and it all happened so fast, it has been a whirlwind 2 years.

The affair ended because the OM is a clinical diagnosed commitment phobe and doesn't mean a word he says past the moment he says it. He got too close and ran back to his parents house. At this point I feel like I was kidnapped into a cult, brainwashed and thrown back into reality. I have a very good counselor now and I see all the ways my exH showed his love for me and I didn't see it then, I know what happened to me with the EA, is something that will never happen again weather I'm with my Ex again or not. I will not be able to fall for someone like that Ever again. I thought I was over my ExH, but the whole time I missed him terribly. We met at an event together one day, me, the OM and my ExH, and I cried most of the day. (I would go the the bathroom there and cry alone and called a friend to tell her, I should be with my Ex, not this OM).

At this point, My Ex says he wants to see me surviving on my own, and now I'm afraid he'll meet someone while I prove myself. Either way, I've decided I will never have a relationship unless it is with my son's father because he is the only one that will be able to share the joy of raising him with me, I don't want to have to worry about someone else's feelings (if I were to have a new relationship) and have them take any attention away from my son. At this point, that's just the way it is for me. It looks as if we will be going to DIsney with our son in Feb, no one else would find that okay anyway, dontcha think? But I still don't want that.

I don't want to just be friends with my Ex, I really want us to get back together, hopefully sooner rather than later, I let too much time go by because I made a very very very bad decision! I can't even believe it was me! That I let that happen! But he is talking about maybe in a couple of years, when he talks about even considering the possibility, at the same time, at this point he does not see a future as a family with me. I hope I can do the right things to help him trust me again. Any help with all that would be welcoming... thank you all for your input....

[InPassing]

I don't want to just be friends with my Ex, I really want us to get back together, hopefully sooner rather than later, ...

maybe you should stop giving HIM mixed signals, then?
sure, he's giving you mixed signals. he's very uncertain about a lot of things.
But if YOU are certain you "want him back", then why push him away, with that stuff about "maybe we should just pick up and drop off"?

One of you being confused with mixed signals is bad enough. Two of you that way, will get nowhere fast
You dont have to pursue him. but neither do you have to push him away. Why not just let him be comfortable with whatever he's comfortable with, and let him set the pace of things?

Yes, you are having a problem dealing with your "feelings" now.
But that's what got you into the divorce in the first place, isnt it? You told him you didnt think you could deal with your feelings. In other words, you implied to him that you were going to "follow your feelings", reguardless of anything that was talked about or agreed on. So he left you. Because marriage is an agreement, not a feeling. A marriage does not stand on feelings. It stands on commitment. Do you agree?


What about showing him(or yourself) you are different now in the largest way possible, by dealing with your feelings firmly, instead of letting them make decisions for you.

If you are not different, however, and you are still ruled by your feelings from day to day... maybe you arent ready for a committed relationship yet?

[JMC]

Thanks for the heartfelt description, and I wish you the best of luck.

[mar1713]

You are correct l, a marriage stands on commitment not feelings, my problem at the time was what to do with those feelings... I didn't know what to do about them, I thought my ex and I could discuss them and maybe he would see clearer than I at the time And I guess we might have worked this out together instead of both of us going our separate ways. It is difficult going from wife to friend and figuring out how not to overstep my boundries and not be standoffish either. I'm having a hard time figuring out what I should do to build trust without being too pursuing of him. I've learned a lot about me, I'm sure I'm more ready for a relationship with him now than I was ever before.

[Phoenixdeux]

Mar,

This is not the situation that everyone else has. You are the walk away wife. He just needs to know that he can trust you. I don't think you push him away. You don't have to chase him so hard that you drive him away, but I would continue to accept invites and continue to get together. I don't see him pushing you away. If he was done with you he wouldn't be doing anything with you.

[mar1713]

Thank you for your vote of confidence! He does confide in me and asks my opinion on how to handle his very dysfunctional substance abuser sister now that his father has passed away. (last week he passed at age 93). I think that shows he respects me to some degree.
I need to show him he can trust me...what would show an ExH besides just being there and supporting him that he indeed can trust me again or is that about all I can do? We really only see each other at pick up/drop offs, and occassional soccer games.

[Phoenixdeux]

I answered some on the other thread. If your husband was the one that had come here initially, doing what he's doing now is close to what I'd advise him...don't jump back in with you until you've shown signs that you are willing to fix the previous mistakes and win him back. Don't you want him more now that you can't have him? You need to focus on making your life as fulfilling as possible without him. Be happy with your life even though he isn't with you. Look good. Smell good. Don't hang on his every word, but give little doses of you each time you are around. Let him see what he's missing...without making it apparent that your his for the asking. Talk to the other parents that are at soccer also. Be chipper and outgoing. If it wasn't for this previous affair I'd suggest talking to the guys at the game, but you want his trust, not thinking you are still capable of cheating. You can give guys a little attention though. I just don't get the sense that he's through with you. I'm completely over my first wife and it's uncomfortable for me even to say hi. Dress sexy next time...see if he pays you any more attention.