riding the big roller coaster...

[hopeinwaiting]

Sometimes the approval we seek.. makes us look "needy" to the people we hold close. From a reader's (perspective) you even admitted that it was tiring and was a let down to you.

I so see you point. I'm really trying to GAL and look nice etc just for me and not care about H. So hard sometimes.

Well, H called and he accepted my offer to "front" a little $ from our tax refund to cover his negative. It is the nice thing to do, he can learn his own lessons later I guess. I was actually surprised at his positive reaction to my offer... and I took your advice FG and told him that I had looked b/c I was curious.... SO now I won't be doing that again! Thanks!!

[hopeinwaiting]

Journaling:

Friday night H forgot to call the girls to say goodnight but he did call my cell that night (a first) to apologize for not calling.

Saturday, H picked up the girls an hour late. I gave him the $100 check and wished them well. I offered him coffee, but he said he had already had some. Then they left. I decided to go grocery shopping and notice that H was driving back from Starbucks (geez, won't take my coffee but will take my $100 and go to Starbucks. Nice).

H called mid afternoon (very rare for him to call me since he was with his daughters) and asks me to check my phone because he had texted me (a first). Well, it turns out he had texted me an audio file of youngest D2 singing "Twinkle, twinkle little star" - very sweet!

I went out with friends from about 5:00 PM until 3:00 AM... had a fun time. Called H around bedtime and said goodnight to the girls. He then proceeds to tell me that the funniest thing happened to him and that he ran into an old friend's aunt at his apartments - (huh, all I can think is - great now more of our old friends know that you moved out and left us).

Interestingly enough, H called back 1/2 hour later to have youngest d say goodnight - again. Makes me wonder if he was a little curious about my whereabouts.

That night, I texted him... "hope the girls went right to sleep for you, thanks for calling".

Sunday, I got up late...real, late and cleaned the house. I also made food so that it would smell really good when he dropped off the girls. He barely came in. Nice but very short conversation and he was off to his other life.

This morning my youngest d had a purple headband that she wanted to wear to day care. I asked where she got it and oldest D said "from dad's apartment". GREAT, now my kids are wearing OW's headbands... I let her wear it to school... hope it gets lost or damaged. Well, that's all folks...life rolls on and I'm still stuck!

[hopeinwaiting]

Journaling: Oh, if I could just get through all the emotions that I apparently still have tied up inside me. I find myself really longing for H these days... and yet I am having a great time - I have new friends, go out lots and still - the idea of my failing M just tends to bring me down. Trying to detach, trying to move on... really, really trying.

A friend suggested that I ask H to come over for dinner once a week or so for "family time" for the kids' sake. He is going through a D and him and his STBX do this for their child. What do you guys think? Seems like pursuing to me and not helpful in the whole detachment arena...and yet, I know, my kids would really enjoy it.

It's H's day to pick up kids. He has been calling every night to say goodnight and even calls my cell if we are not at home. Seems a little depressed on the phone, but I could be over-reaching on that diagnosis.

I'll be giving him his monthly expense request tonight... a little scared at his reaction ($50 more than last month due to medical/registration expenses)...but then again, not only am I paying half of all of this... I also feed them, provide lunch money, clothes etc. Oh and love and attention everyday : )

Every time I see him, I pray that this time not be the time that he'll finally ask for the D. Tick, tock...

[hopeinwaiting]

Journaling:

This is not getting easier... I thought it was going to get easier.

I got home last night after going to a movie and happy hour with a co-worker. I was dressed in a pretty dress that H picked out for me last year. I received many compliments on the dress that day, which was nice. H's reaction (well, no compliments but he did sit closer to me while I rocked youngest D to sleep and he played with my knee for a sec)... of course, later he asked if I was eating better and that he could tell that I was b/c he could see it in my arms. (Thanks, now I have fat arms).

OW called his cell at about 9:00 while we were talking and H didn't answer. Awkward. I just don't get the feeling that he has any ANY regrets about his choices. He told me last night that he ran into another friend of ours and told her that we had separated. He left a few minutes after that. Same ole same ole.

What am I doing wrong? I know that this isn't about H and that it should be totally about me and GALing and all that jazz but come on.... NOTHING THAT I DO MATTERS TO HIM. NOTHING!

[ClingingToHope]

Awkward. I just don't get the feeling that he has any ANY regrets about his choices.

I know that feeling. When I talk to W I hear no change in her voice from the weeks after I moved out. When I see her, I don't get the sense she misses me at all.

I know it's early in the process -- less than five months -- but it's really, really disheartening.

Nothing to do but keep working at it and have patience -- but that is so much easier said than done.

[ClingingToHope]

A friend suggested that I ask H to come over for dinner once a week or so for "family time" for the kids' sake... Seems like pursuing to me and not helpful in the whole detachment arena...and yet, I know, my kids would really enjoy it.

I wouldn't do that for a while. You've just been apart since June, right? I've been out one month longer.

Early on we kept doing some family things together and the girls loved it ... but it's kept me from breaking the emotional attachment and W said it's like I never left.

As time goes on -- when you feel like the emotional attachment isn't there or as strong -- then you can start doing more family things together. The kids will still like it and it won't be as awkward. Also, it might just knock you back emotionally.

[LuLu]

I'm sending you hugs because it sounds like you need them right now. You really just need to focus on you right now. What if he did ask for a divorce tomorrow? What would you do? How would your future be? Picture the worst case scenario and prepare for it. That is where the GAL'ing and 180's come into play. If you prepare for the worst, you know you will be okay. You will survive. You must survive, if not for you then for your children. Be strong. After realizing that you will actually be okay, then you can focus on you and start to detach from H.

You're doing pretty good so far. But here are a few things that you might can do better.

I offered him coffee, but he said he had already had some. Then they left. I decided to go grocery shopping and notice that H was driving back from Starbucks (geez, won't take my coffee but will take my $100 and go to Starbucks. Nice).

I have to say this, don't offer him coffee! You are moving on without him remember? Also, stop rescuing him. You are a fixer like me but you have to let him fall. Don't offer him bailout money. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too. Bottom line, don't do anything for him any more.

I went out with friends from about 5:00 PM until 3:00 AM... had a fun time. Called H around bedtime and said goodnight to the girls. He then proceeds to tell me that the funniest thing happened to him and that he ran into an old friend's aunt at his apartments - (huh, all I can think is - great now more of our old friends know that you moved out and left us).

This is great GAL'ing! The only thing that could have been better is if you cut him off and said you had to go. Your only purpose was to say goodnight to the girls not to have small talk with H. You are one busy, fun loving girl that is moving on!

Interestingly enough, H called back 1/2 hour later to have youngest d say goodnight - again. Makes me wonder if he was a little curious about my whereabouts.

Next time let it go to voice mail.

That night, I texted him... "hope the girls went right to sleep for you, thanks for calling".

This is not 180'ing, lol. Try to not initiate any more contact at all. Let him come to you.

OW called his cell at about 9:00 while we were talking and H didn't answer. Awkward. I just don't get the feeling that he has any ANY regrets about his choices. He told me last night that he ran into another friend of ours and told her that we had separated. He left a few minutes after that. Same ole same ole.

I think that's a positive thing actually, as weird as that may sound. She wasn't the priority right at that moment which is good. It also shows that he still has some respect for you.

[LuLu]

Wanted to chime in real quick about family time. I initiated something like that a few weeks ago. Not sure if it was a good thing or not but the girls are enjoying it. I don't know in your case at the moment if it would seem like pursuing or not. But, for me, it was purely for the benefit of my children so I didn't really care how it came across. We've been doing things every Saturday day. Nothing crazy, just a few hours in the morning before naps. Street fairs, outdoor events, stuff like that. So far so good. I always try to be happy (even faking it if need be) during those family outings.

[hopeinwaiting]

What if he did ask for a divorce tomorrow? What would you do? How would your future be? Picture the worst case scenario and prepare for it. That is where the GAL'ing and 180's come into play. If you prepare for the worst, you know you will be okay. You will survive. You must survive, if not for you then for your children. Be strong. After realizing that you will actually be okay, then you can focus on you and start to detach from H.

Yes, I'll survive....but it won't be the same reality and it won't be the same future for my darling daughters.

I do know that you are right and I keep trying to detach. However, the more I detach, the more I want to make it end and file for D and move on with my life. I have certainly learned one thing over the last few weeks. I won't be alone unless I want to be alone. Nevertheless, the sadness is still there. Out of my control so...I'll try and continue to GAL and survive.

Hmmm. I'll think more about family time. I did mention that H should come over to take D5 out on her bike and he pretty much blew me off.

[ClingingToHope]

I do know that you are right and I keep trying to detach. However, the more I detach, the more I want to make it end and file for D and move on with my life.

I get the same feeling. I want to be able to share the day with someone and since I'm not doing it with W I feel like I want to be free to do it with someone else.

It's weird to feel that way. You are detaching so that the WAS misses you, but you feel like just pushing things forward to a D so you aren't stuck in limboland.