Love does not even require being in close proximity to another.
That is why "unconditional love" is possible.
I believe I will always love my H, but I wont partake in a sick relationship with him...make sense?
Isn't that a condition then?
If you accept him as is which is what unconditional love might mean, wouldn't partaking in a sick relationship with him be part of that because you would be loving him unconditionally?
Oh, come one, ignore 100% of what the WAS says, right?
Really, with all of your education and wisdom you take that as a absolute?
I think it is a tool to help you get detached and not hang on every word and action. You have grown up past that point.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
If you accept him as is which is what unconditional love might mean, wouldn't partaking in a sick relationship with him be part of that because you would be loving him unconditionally?
No. That is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are loving and healthy. Two individuals in a relationship not one enmeshed cluster.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@robx: If you accept him as is which is what unconditional love might mean, wouldn't partaking in a sick relationship with him be part of that because you would be loving him unconditionally?
That is a dastardly bit of logic-twisting. I think what my esteemed colleague is saying is that she will love Monsoor in spite of Monsoor's Shmedlaply Ways -- his Ways will not make her feel "not-love" for him.
But that doesn't mean she can't impose conditions on actively loving (i.e., coupling) with him.
Unconditional love in my reading means you will love that person for themselves, regardless of what they do. In that sense I do have unconditional love for WAW. Her nuttiness is not making feel not-love for her.
But that doesn't mean, as @hoosiermama points out, that you are a doormat and don't have boundaries.
WAW's nuttiness is, however, making feel not-like and not-want for her. I love WAW in spite of herself. But I also love myself enough not to hitch my carriage to the crazy train.
@Coach: I think it is a tool to help you get detached and not hang on every word and action. You have grown up past that point.
Nooooo -- that's far-too-easy a dodge. What's the tipping point? At what point are Walkaway's words reliable? That has comparatively little to do with one's growth. If what Walkaway says when s/he is trying to hurt Left-Behind is an unreliable guide to Walkaway's "true" feelings, then why is what s/he says when the Walk gets lonely any more reliable?
SP, you should NOT have to deal w/these non-stop temper tantrums. You should NOT have to be analyzing the hell out of them when they happen. You should NOT feel bad about not rescuing her from them now.
She may just need to go through it to get it, but find your calm. Find your mellow. Stay away as much as you can, and let her just have them, alone. Only then can she be helped, if she wants it, and if you want to.
PS - It IS your business what the kids are being fed when they're with her, and when you're asked to watch them at her place. Drive through, junk food shoving mealtimes are awful. They need stability.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
well, yeah. you're both hurting badly right now. maybe Mrs. SP's pain is more visible, more out there because she's spewing every emotion (mostly negative) imaginable. But this
Quote:
You mean the way I was? When I was told, "Just get over it"? "Too little, too late"? "I have no feelings for you"?
is pretty horrific pain too. and it's still there or you most likely wouldn't have quoted.
so you can both sit on different continents and be cold and spew and shut down and shut out--and it won't get you anywhere. or you can continue to "GAL" as they say--and as you've been doing--and get your head out of the rut, and get out of your head. and you've been going along fine until the Mrs. begins to bleed all over the place, and it's hard to ignore and it's hard to respond to--but it definitely produces pain. or coldness, to protect yourself.
how would it be to just acknowledge her pain, don't play into the "who hurt who first," acknowledge that you're also hurting, and just limit contact for the time being until the bleeding stops. you'd be validating, you'd be showing compassion, and you'd also be setting a boundary and protecting yourself and not contributing to the roller coaster ride y'all are currently on. just a truce, a chance to catch your breath, to remove all pressure. the thing is, your resolve has to be such that her behavior doesn't yank you back out of whatever serenity you might be able to achieve.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Damned right I loved Coach unconditionally. I loved myself, too, and the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. We were in a bad marriage of our own creation. And as long as we both sat there up to our necks in sh!t begging the other not to move so it didn't splash in our faces, we were not loving each other.
Greek
maybe it's the wording I'm using to explain my point of view, you love coach unconditionally and you love yourself too (very important,seriously not enough people know this part) but you said you were in a "bad marriage" of our own creation.
If you accepted each other unconditionally, the marriage wouldn't have seemed so bad but you couldn't accept the way he was and he couldn't accept the way you were - you both realized that change on both your parts was required.
If what Walkaway says when s/he is trying to hurt Left-Behind is an unreliable guide to Walkaway's "true" feelings, then why is what s/he says when the Walk gets lonely any more reliable?
Trying to hurt - intentional.
lonely - vunerable, scared
That's one of the dilemnas here. Weren't we all trying our best, we didn't intend to be here. Boundaries for when she is (intentional or not) inflicting pain/hurt. She doesn't have the tools on how to heal, grow, reconcile or decide right now. That's why you need to lead.
Cliche but some truth in it, "Hurting people say hurtful things." It helps with the spew raincoat if you know she is hurting. Sometimes if you just let her get it all out, she will have talked herself into a solution and you haven't said a word.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
