Wife leaving but bedtime routine stays the same???

[Entangled]

My wife is moving out on Monday. Amazingly, we've managed to come up with a custody arrangement that I think is fair and is truly in my son's(5) best intrest. I suggested that she might want to consider a transition period for him before she moves out, but she thinks it's best to tell him and get it over with.

My son will be staying with me on school nights. One or two days a week, my wife will pick him up from daycare, do homework, have dinner, and then bring him back to the house to sleep. This way his evening and morning routines are consistent during the school week. She has suggested on nights when she has him for dinner and then drops him off, that she stay and do our "normal" bedtime routine, bath, stroy, etc., and then go to her place after he is asleep I certainly don't want to deprive my wife of any time with our son than is necessary in this mess. But I'm concerned that this will make it harder for my son to understand that Mommy doesn't live here anymore and will make the transition for him that much more difficult. Any thoughts out there? Is this a good idea or not? Is this just cake eating on her part?

[LolaL]

This is cake eating.

My heart breaks for your son. But it will be more confusing for him to see that Mommy is tucking him in, he is going to sleep, only to discover she is not there in the morning.

Your W needs to realize that there are certain privileges that come with being full time parents. If she was to revert to being a part time parent, there are certain privileges lost.

Your son needs stability, especially because he is so young. Establishing a structured routine for him is paramount right now. Having your W come in and disturb that routine can have serious repercussions for him.

[kb1234]

I agree with Lola, W needs to realize that when she moves out things change.
It will be your time to have a bed-time routine with your son.

Will you be granted same privilege to go over to W's new place to help put son to bed?

Speaking from experience of being separated it will be hard, but take each day as it comes, and it will get better.

I have a 5 year old, and he does not really understand, but still knows that Mommy is not there some nights.

[Entangled]

Thanks guys. That's pretty much what I was thinking. No, I'm not going to have house priveleges at her new place, and it would be awkward besides. My wife will be in the house on occasion, and I might need her to let the dog out once in awhile if my schedule gets messy. But she agrees that she's not going to be coming and going at will, and will need to make arrangements with me if she needs to get something from the house. The idea of her dropping him off, and then staying to put him to bed just doesn't work for me, and it's gonna be confusing for him. Sorry, but you don't live here anymore and there's a new routine moving forward.

[Entangled]

Well, I emailed/spoke with her about this, and told her I didn't think it would be approprite to continue with the bedtime routine after she leaves. I explained that I would not have the same situation at her place, and it would be confusing for our son. She gave it some thought and agreed. She was concerned that she would have to drop him off at the front door, and I assured her that would not be the case. He's our son, not a bag of groceries. We'll have a pleasant transition, talk about his day, and then she will say goodnight. I also convinced her that she would need to drop him off earlier than she originally planned to give him time to decompress and get ready for bed. She agreed to this as well, but I can see that the reality of the situation, and that she will not have him around as much as her fantasy led her to believe is hurting her terribly. I know this isn't easy for her, and she's not taking these steps lightly, but it looks like she's getting her first slap of reality and getting a taste of the bitterness of her decision to leave our home and marriage.

[LolaL]

WGU: Bravo!!! You handled that with grace and dignity, and put your son first. And your W is seeing that. Don't expect anything too soon, this may take a while. But as long as you continue exactly what you are doing now, things will go smoothly.

[Entangled]

Thanks for the atta-boy! I needed that!

She's now wanting to discuss other schedule arrangements. She's realizing how her leaving will limit her time with him. I'm trying to be as considerate to her needs as I can, but keeping my son's needs, particularily through the fist few months, first in my mind and trying to provide him as stable a situation as possible.

[Entangled]

Well I stuck to my guns and she agreed that the best thing was what we had agreed to originally. I told her we could revisit it in January unless something came up that was a cause for concern. I didn't want to be changing things up too much on him for the first few months unnecessarily. She was fine with that, and I think we're both on the same page as far as he is concerned.

She is getting a taste for just what this means to her though as a mother who won't be seeing her son every day. It's tearing her up inside.

[LolaL]

And that is just it. Your son has not been a consideration for her, and so now you need to make him a priority. Just because she has gone off the deep end does not mean that your son should suffer.

Karma is a bitch, I always say. It may take this swift kick in the a$$ for her to see what she is giving up.

[lonelywolf]

Sounds like you are on the right track. If there is any chance for her to realize what she's lost, she's got to realize what she's lost. Right now, my wife hasn't realized that at all. It'll take time (the hardest thing I'm learning is patience).