If unconditional love really existed, we could say hey, you weren't there for me emotionally, physically, mentally, verbally, spiritually, etc. etc. etc but I still love you with all my heart.
That's why a WAS says, ILYBINILWY. I love you (philia Love) but I am not in love (eros) love with you. Why does a spouse walk away? It's actually a loving gesture to one's self to leave a marriage that is harmful to you. Don't the LBS here believe that they have contributed to a marriage that was less than "whole"? "Unconditional love" means I love you the way you are. If I love myself I have to face and accept my flaws and limitations. So I must extend the same love to my spouse, unconditonal doesn't mean perfect. "If she loved me then she would do that for me because I need that." That's not healthy.
Some of the advise I got here was to make it all about her. The women advised this and all the men were aghast. It's not how men roll, it's not business like. It is golden advice. If I take care of her needs, because I want to, it's important to me, and I understand the value of it then all my needs get taken care of. My whole list of objections, complaints, issues, worries, and yeah buts all magically disappeared. Loving someone without conditions (expectations) is a game changer. Isn't that something you would want?
You can't drop your shield if you are defensive, trying to figure out her thinking/feelings, trying to get the other to think like you, worried about getting hurt, or holding onto old beliefs. Yes, it takes two people to make a marriage. But it only take one to change the whole dynamic. Opening yourself up to give and recieve love takes more strength and courage than being a tough love giver. Women want to be allowed into their man's thoughts, feelings, dreams, ambitions, fears and passions. I think most men are afraid our wives won't love us if they could see all of our doubts and ideas.
Love is a verb then it is something I do. Love is a noun it is something I have, then I will nurture and grow it in myself to have and give away. If I have the choice between doing nothing, acting defensive or being loving, I hope that I will choose to be loving in most situations.
I wasn't shown "unconditional love" growing up. The first twenty years of my marriage weren't based on true giving. I am now aware and trying to practice love without expectations, meeting my wifes needs because I want to and being responsible for my own happiness. It was very hard for me to let go and embrace those concepts. I am very much the man of my home and very much a partner with my wife now. It works so I am going to keep doing more of it.
It's a choice I make every day.
Cheers, all you great DBers. I learn alot from all of you.
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
