Thanks for the feedback, guys. This is why I think I need therapy. I have an incredibly hard time answering the question, "What do I want?" I apologize ahead of time for a longish look at my feelings...
Actually I can answer the question half the time but the problem is, the answer might change day to day.
Originally, my answer was "I want my husband back, regardless of anything else, we can handle that later, I just want him back".
Over time it became, "I want my husband back and my family healed, but only if it is a true recommitment, with genuine change and dedication by all of us to growing strong together and making our marriage and family the best we can make it."
That changed after he came back last fall and I realized that living with a husband who was only going through the motions was actually more painful than living without him. I didn't believe it until I lived it.
Once he told me last week that he could not be (would not be? it doesn't really matter now) the husband I needed, it changed again.
The answer was now "I want to have as amicable a divorce as possible" (realizing any dissolving of a marriage is no picnic), and "give our kids the most peaceful, loving family experience we can". Think Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, they each have remarried but they still do things together with the kids and have for years.
So Monday we went to the movies with the kids even after I had just emailed him the terms of our settlement. And had a great time. Last night I had the kids in the city for allergy shots and he called and invited us to dinner (it was his night with the kids anyway after allergy shots). Dumba$$ me went. And we again had a nice time, joking and laughing with the kids. Then I went out and he took the kids for the rest of the night.
Once I got home last night after kids were in bed, I asked if he had gotten the form signed. He said no but he would do it today. And that he would return the draft of the settlement to me, he agreed with it.
Then this morning he texted me about an inside joke we have re. our trip to Mexico.
And yet, I am not 'happy', even though we are doing the things I said I wanted. I think that if I did not have any desire to have him back in my life as my husband, then this would be great. We could spend time together with the kids and hang out and have fun and there would be no problem.
But because I still do want that committed marriage thing, I am torn. Don't get me wrong I can't have him as my husband, not now. He hasn't made the genuine changes he would need to make, not by a long shot. But I think internal desires color things. Kind of like two long-time friends where one secretly wants romance with the other. The more time they spend together, the one who wants more starts reading into things and ultimately gets hurt when the other says, "Woah, we are just hanging out having fun here! I don't want any more than that from you." In this case, Dan made it clear he doesn't want a future with me.
Ok so I know I am rambling...I need to grow into my life without Dan. I need to be honest enough with myself to admit that I am not really 'detached' enough to spend this much time with Dan. Maybe down the road after the d goes through, the dust has settled, and I know I am strong enough.
So how do I handle that now? I don't want to be the superbitch (soemone on here has the tagline "your mood swings are giving me whiplash") who does an about face with no explanation and suddenly ignores all of his calls and turns down every invite with no explanation. After all I am the one who first thought it would be great for us to do things together so the kids know their whole world isn't changing and they still have a famiy, just a different kind of family.
