HI Jackie...your h is confused..as far as the no husband feelings....well it's been over a year since h has touched me in a "husband way"...although I did get a hug last week as my Aunt died...and this weekend at nieces wedding we danced(I asked him) he felt so good..
Keep taking care of you..you can't change his feelings, but you do have control of yours. If he moves...look at it as time to sort things out..space to breath again.
z, you're right, he is the troubled one. Maybe this breathing room will allow him to search his own thoughts.
Sue & Kitti--I know that I can take this longer, it makes it a bit harder since I thought we were back on track, having fun and turning towards each other. But out comes the demons again.
Talked last night. He said he is afraid to talk to me, he thinks he will say the wrong thing and give me false hope. he has put the deposit on the townhome and will not go to Disney, will tell the kids he has to work and will pack while I'm gone.
He said we are different people now, we have aged, have different interests. I told him I was trying to hold my anger in check and be understanding, he looked at me with surprise that I could be angry with him. I told him I wanted to conduct myself in a manner that I could be proud of, he asked me if I thought I had done that this past year, and I said yes, for the most part, I had. He agreed. He even listed a bunch of ways that he was proud of my actions and said I was more loving and understanding than he deserved.
He kept going on we are different. Talked some logistics of children and having two separate homes. He wants to tell his parents and thinks I should tell mine at the same time. I said they are far enough away, they don't need to know and I'll make the choice when I'm ready, I want to prolong hurting them as much as possible. He went on about it his mom wants to call my mom, and I told him, tell her she can't. Seems simple to me!
Then he ends it later in bed, I still find you desirable! I think he was making advances, but I ignored them. Just couldn't do it.
So it is the boys and I off on a Orlando adventure. We leave tomorrow, so I probably should book some hotel rooms soon! Don't think he is going to change his mind now.
It does hurt so much to see your H be kind and loving with the children and then be unkind to you. I found that this was really hard to deal with. I wanted him to continue to be loving to the children - absolutely, but the contrast with the two behaviors right next to each other was very painful. Try as hard as you can to depersonalize the "Eeyore" behavior.
It sounds like your H is feeling so guilty. His behavior around you family seems to fit this. My H wouldn't talk to my father on the phone until very recently. I think this is b/c it made him feel too unconfortable.
Try not to focus on the "false hope" comments. My H said this over and over and over. Try to put some space between what he does/says and your peace. This is tremendously hard, but it helps not to be swinging from one extreme to the other emotionally.
As far as telling the parents - you are absolutely right to decide when/if you tell yours. Your H should be able to understand this, but right now he may not be able to. Maybe say calmly as you did that you will decide when your parents should know, and that you'd appreciate it if he and his family cold respect this.
Maybe leave off the "I want to put off their suffering for as long as possible" types of comments if the subject comes up again? It just sounds a little like you're saying you think there's no hope. That may be what you are feeling, but maybe try to portray a neutral postition - not with words, but in attitude - like "This is hard, but I'll be OK. I feel there is work to do in this R, but feel it is far from being over. I am willing to give you this time to think things through. This time away will also give me some time to think and work on goals for myself." Sounds kind of weird when I read it, but thinking along these lines helps me alot. Maybe some of it will be helpful.
Quote: He even listed a buch of ways that he was proud of my actions.
and
Quote: I still find you desirable.
IMHO, these are small positives, Jackie.
I'll be thinking of you this w/e. It will be tough in some ways, I'm sure, but you are showing your strength by going. And you and the boys will have fun. Be careful and let us here from you when you get back. ((((Jackie))))
This part is so hard, but you are doing a tremendous job of staying steady. Hang in there.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
What are you going to tell the childern when you get back from this vacation. Don't you think they will be kind of hurt when they come back and all of a sudden things are different. Im kind of playing devils advocate on this but maybe you should be telling them a little before the Vacation. JMHO on that though.
Jackie, I know you cannot think of it yet and even cannot believe it, but this separation is going to be good in the long run for you and for your M. I suspect your H is going to realize that it is you he wants and you he needs, not the children, not the comfort of home. I am not very good at explaining but there will be some good coming out of all this suffering. Hold on and fight!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Mockers, you are right, the put off their suffering comment is a underhand dig at him, gotta be careful of them.
Lee, I think he'll still be here when we get back, just all his stuff packed an ready to go. Kind of splitting hairs, but I think I'm glad we'll have a last trip (kids & I) without answering questions about why Daddy is leaving. S7 already went into a tirade this morning why can't I go to work and Daddy come to Disney?
Opt, I must have that faith, that it will get better, the sep will do some good, for both of us.
H was in a great mood last night. Helping me pack and get ready. Very eager to get us out of the house? He told the kids, they asked many times, why can't you come? work is always the excuse. He told them that on Veterns Day (next school holiday) the three of them will go somewhere special together, just the three of them. I think he repeated it so many times so I wouldn't get any false hope.
So tonight is the start, my first adventure as a "single" mom!
Hi Jackie - Thank you for your post and brainstorming on my thread. I'll be thinking of you this weekend. Take care and have some fun. Focus on those little faces as they enjoy all the sights and sounds of Disney.
Use the stop sign for the bad thoughts.
Try to keep thinking of S as time away to think things through.
((((Jackie)))))
Looking forward to hearing from you when you get back ~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Try to put some space between what he does/says and your peace. This is tremendously hard, but it helps not to be swinging from one extreme to the other emotionally.
