Keep Your Hands Offa My Mojo

[Greek]

yeah, she's hurting over something that she knows she's caused but can't admit it yet because she has to get her mojo to a point of at least minimal capacity or the admission will destroy her

What you're seeing is a woman who's reaping what she sowed, and the enormity of that reaping is crashing down on her. Take the anger, shame, guilt, manipulations, feelings - roll into a tidy ball, and do a flying leap into the middle of it.

She didn't cause this. THEY caused this.
Greek

[aliveandkicking]

The part she grapples with is the part she caused. And, once she left, her actions are all her...

[robx]

SP ~
I'm just going to have to gulp and say this.

You sound Cold.

Your wife is in life altering pain. She shows this to you. You come back with 'she's on the crazy train.' So this is how you deal with someone who is sad and scared? You call them crazy? Cold shot, SP.

I can so relate to where your wife is. I can tell you from my experience that at some point, there is no more room to stuff anything - it all comes out and up and spews everywhere and keeping it inside where it hurts like a big dog just isn't an option. All Edit Buttons are deactivated. It's almost involuntary b/c believe me, I'll bet she wishes she didn't have to tell YOU of all people that she wishes she had the kind of attention you are giving Miss Someone. But there is no holding it in anymore.

Her fears are:
1. Have lots of "love-making" with Miss Someone, during which we laugh about WAW;

~~~Maybe you are crappy in bed, SP. Sounds to me like she's not too sure of herself in that dept., too.

2. Introduce Miss Someone to the children, marry her, and move the entire family to Famous Asian City;

~~~You've often said that she is admittedly not the Soccer Mom type. No matter how accomplished we women are in our occupations, feeling like we're failing as mothers will sink our ship. And yeah, we do imagine everyone else is doing it better than us. That's why we like it so much when the father of our children cheer us on in this dept.


3. Trick WAW into having sex with me so that I can "toss her away" and get my revenge;

~~~She surely does seem to know that she has done wrong and expects you to punish her. So what was her mother like? If I had to guess, I would say your wife has not enjoyed unconditional love in her life. Wonder if she'll get it now?


4. Tell the children that she is a bad mother and that BMCFriend is much better; and

~~~ See #2

5. Take all of her money and force her to be homeless.

~~~ 'Cuz she's been pulling the financial wagon in your family, and even THAT won't be honored.


So her mother dies. You confess to not being there for her. The pain and loss she experienced then is on par with what she is dealing with now. Instead of calling your wife batshit crazy, consider being there for her this time. Even though she spit on you. Even though the A. Even though you're pissed, too. Even though whatever. Either love that woman unconditionally or tell her "It's over. Period. End of sentence. Good bye."

Gulp.
Greek

Love your partner "unconditionally".

But is that possible for anyone?

Greek in your own situation, were you able to accept your spouse as is and love him unconditionally or did you walk away from your marriage until your spouse showed the kind of changes you needed to be able to love him again.

Did SP's wife love him unconditionally despite all his faults?

"Yeah but..."

There it is, the big ol' BUT!

We can toot that "unconditional love" horn but love is largely conditional, I know it's hard for everyone to admit this but I think admitting this to be the truth is what frees you from your current actions & expectations from your partner.

[robx]

yeah, she's hurting over something that she knows she's caused but can't admit it yet because she has to get her mojo to a point of at least minimal capacity or the admission will destroy her

What you're seeing is a woman who's reaping what she sowed, and the enormity of that reaping is crashing down on her. Take the anger, shame, guilt, manipulations, feelings - roll into a tidy ball, and do a flying leap into the middle of it.

She didn't cause this. THEY caused this.
Greek

Since they caused this, then we can agree that unconditional love is largely impossible for any couple.

They caused this.
He did this so she did that.
She did this so he did that.

Anyone notice a trend?

If unconditional love really existed,
we could say hey, you weren't there for me emotionally, physically, mentally, verbally, spiritually, etc. etc. etc but I still love you with all my heart.

[Greek]

No question, A&K. From what SP writes (for this is all we have to go on) seems to me that she is a Big Girl and she's owning it. And yeah, it's hurting her. But the pain she put on display for SP most recently probably goes deeper than The Schmuck and misgivings she has in that arena.

Greek

[robx]

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Mrs.SP did everything wrong here, she didn't. I think we can all see that both of them contributed to the current situation and they both found out that there are conditions for their love to exist. If he isn't a certain way, I can't love him. If she isn't a certain way, I can't love her.

[robx]

No question, A&K. From what SP writes (for this is all we have to go on) seems to me that she is a Big Girl and she's owning it. And yeah, it's hurting her. But the pain she put on display for SP most recently probably goes deeper than The Schmuck and misgivings she has in that arena.

Greek

I don't see that she's owning any of this.
Based on SP's posts, the exchange of angry emails doesn't portray owning anything. They seem more like temper tantrums to me.

[Greek]

Damned right I loved Coach unconditionally. I loved myself, too, and the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. We were in a bad marriage of our own creation. And as long as we both sat there up to our necks in sh!t begging the other not to move so it didn't splash in our faces, we were not loving each other.

Greek

[Greek]

No question, A&K. From what SP writes (for this is all we have to go on) seems to me that she is a Big Girl and she's owning it. And yeah, it's hurting her. But the pain she put on display for SP most recently probably goes deeper than The Schmuck and misgivings she has in that arena.

Greek

I don't see that she's owning any of this.
Based on SP's posts, the exchange of angry emails doesn't portray owning anything. They seem more like temper tantrums to me.

She sure has owned it. Read back. But what she won't own - and shouldn't - is the fairy tale that she walked away from a very good marriage to a supportive, loving and emotionally available spouse. She admits her A with The Schmuck. She's even bracing herself for possible revenge from SP (re # 4 in her list of fears). I don't read entitlement mentality in this chick at all.

Greek

[Greek]

But is that possible for anyone?

Greek in your own situation, were you able to accept your spouse as is and love him unconditionally or did you walk away from your marriage until your spouse showed the kind of changes you needed to be able to love him again.

Did SP's wife love him unconditionally despite all his faults?

"Yeah but..."

There it is, the big ol' BUT!

We can toot that "unconditional love" horn but love is largely conditional, I know it's hard for everyone to admit this but I think admitting this to be the truth is what frees you from your current actions & expectations from your partner.

Are you saying 'yeah, but...' or are you anticipating that I will say that? Because I will not. I don't have a single reservation about "tooting" the unconditional love horn b/c I know it, I give it and I receive it. My children know it, my mother loves this way *now* and Coach and I love each other this way. And boy oh boy, is it going out on a limb to do it ~ which may be why a lot of people won't.

Toot ~~~ Toot

Greek