The Thread With No Home

[mockers2]

Hi Jackie~

Getting caught up with you. What good advice you are getting! (((((Jackie))))) This is tough and hurts like crazy, but you are doing very well.

Just a few thoughts:

Quoting you:

He feels empty inside.....
I asked him what he wanted out of this separation, he pointed to his chest and said I want to discover what is inside me, what I am.

This jumped out at me again, Jackie. I think this is really important. Bring this to mind when you have rougher days and begin wondering what he's doing. In this statement, your H's pain and confusion seem crystal clear. In a way, he seems almost vulnerable. (I'm not defending his way of dealing with this confusion, or saying that the pain his actions are causing you is justified in any way.) During this ordeal, there have been times when I have seen my H in a different way - as lost, hurting, vulnerable and afraid. (I feel sure this was God showing me another view of my H.) This would alternate with seeing him as completely selfish, etc. Maybe I'm way off base, but the statement your H made just really hit me the same way.

Maybe taking what he said for the truth will help some too. Look at this time as a chance for him to think through some things and leave it at that.

I didn't mean to be harsh when I said that about trying not to think that this is the beginning of the end. I'm sorry if that felt like a 2x4. I know that it does feel like everything is on its way to being over. And that is terribly hard, but to think along those lines and look way down the road at what life could be like without your H can affect how you interact with him/respond to him. RJ is always reminding me to act as if, and warning me that my negative thoughts can subtally (sp? - that doesn't look right. Good grief - I cannot spell! ) affect the way I act around my H, which can affect the way he responds to me, etc. I'm not saying you should be skipping along like everything is fine. You have to deal with the pain/anger/fear and all the other emotions that are swirling around. I guess to just try and take the focus off what may happen, see this as time for your H to think instead of as the beginning of the end of your M, and act as if you will be/are fine.

One of my female friends who was a WAS about 12 years ago -she didn't leave, but had an EA and considered D, has told me over and over through all this that right now my H needs for me to be strong, because he is confused and hurting. That in a M, there are times when one or the other of you has to be strong when the other one can't be, and that now it is my turn. This helped me some, so I wanted to share it with you.


Quoting KAW:

It is going to take alot of effort to remain lovingly detached and stay on the sidelines while your H grasps desperately at every unsupported notion as why he is bogged down and can't pull himself out of it.

This is exactly it! Said so eloquently.


I agree with the others that have said that the S may just very well be a good thing. I think in alot of cases it allows the "fog" (I can think of uglier terms for what our H's are wading through, but trying to watch myself )lift a little so the WAS can feel what it's like to physically be away from their family. It also seems to help them see somewhat that the empty feeling is still there - it goes with them. This seems to help them begin to realize that you are not the source for their unhappiness.

I think I am an easy scapegoat for what's wrong in his life.

Another benefit of the S is that it moves you a little bit out of the range of fire, and off the eggshells.


Quoting you again:

I need to work on some goals and get myself going again and out of these dumps.

You've got it, and I have faith that you can do this.


Hang in there - you are doing a terrific job. Know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((((Jackie)))))