The EA/PA - Should LBS proactively address it?

[71potc]

I have read so much stuff over the past few weeks, and communicated with a LOT of people (friends, ex-MLCers, forums, mentors, etc) for guidance and advice. The range of advice is simply mind-boggling.

The dilemma: If the MLC spouse is having an EA/PA, one camp follows the tough love rule (Christine Schapp, et al) where the LBS should give the MLCer the choice of the marriage or the OW/OM, but the MLC cannot have both. Another camp seems to take the position of don't let it phase you (Michelle Weiner-Davis's DB book, chapter on midlife) and continue on with life (seemingly a "see no evil, hear no evil" approach). Yet another camp advocates to just simply openly allow the EA/PA (http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/surv_midlife.htm?p=1) to happen but don't let it intrude on the family (seemingly a "I know it's going on, just don't do it in front of me" approach).

Advice and experience from many people, on all of the forums, and via private mail, also suggests that there are lots of divergent views as well. The issue with advice is that the advice giver, as well-meaning and helpful as they are, also have their own views and biases on how things should be done; rightfully so given their experience. Some have been down that hard path that they side with the tough love camp, while others had the experience of patience to wait it out and let the EA/PA burn itself out.

The question: Given the wide range of advice, approaches, adviser experiences & opinions, and already-known outcomes (that are both successes and failures using all three approaches), how does any LBS know which path to take? Are there additional considerations about the three approaches that an LBS can understand to help decide which approach to take? Or does all roads lead to divorce eventually?