Who is this person?

[Day by Day]

Update for today so far,

I got to replying to H about him accepting joint sessions. He wants to stick to the kids' C, but wants me to explain my concerns about that C. I also suggested Retro and he said he'd think about it. He's getting a little more chatty in email. Baby steps.

@Hope - Thanks for your advice, it makes sense to me about the feral cat. And it really helps your comment about his fear of feeling responsibility for his actions & feelings. Makes sense too.

Thanks.

[Butterfly1]

Chatty is good = openness to MC is good = keep track of these steps!

[Day by Day]

Don't know whether to consider this a backslide. H wants to stick with the kids' counselor for his individual counselor. The more I think about the joint session I had with him and H, the more upset I get. This C is not pro-marriage in my opinion no matter what he told me and the kids. He has not encouraged me to stay married. C has said he doesn't want to have a couple divorce under his counseling, he's not talking to us that way. H also said he doesn't want to go to Retro because of the religious approach to problem solving.

I don't know what to respond to H's email or maybe not to reply at all.

The only brightside I can see is that H is going to IC now.

I guess I'm going to have to save up for a DB coach even for just myself.

I just feel like backing off although H has written me a little more, but didn't write anything for me to reply to. He just told me the counselor he likes, I don't, the counselor I like, he doesn't and Retro is a no-go.

Should I tell him C is pushing me to accept the D?

[Day by Day]

Update on the C, I wrote him an email discussing my concerns and he called me to discuss it. He reassured me he was working for a reconciliation, so I'll believe him. He also told me H has accepted a joint session next week.

I forgot about my H being an alien, and I slipped and contacted him saying I will go to the joint session with the C. I should have let the C do that. I hate this... I forget that I'm not dealing with a "normal" person. I'll wait for him to contact me next. I know he'll be skiddish after accepting a joint session with me and going to IC.

I'm starting to really appreciate that he left the house. It would be really hard to deal with it every day. I do want him back, but I need to learn more DBing and get stronger before he gets here if he does.

[Butterfly1]

Haha - an alien. I like that. It's true. You can't reason with him, talk to him like the old times. You'll just be disappointed. It takes a long loooooong time for them to come around. Mine is only just starting to after six months. Hang in there!

[Day by Day]

I'm starting to worry about the joint session with H coming up next wk. He hasn't said one word about wanting to work on the M. What will we talk about in the session then? I remember feeling this way the last time we had a joint session. He pushed D the last time.

We left it without even looking at each other or saying goodbye. It just hurt. I feel like cancelling. What's the point in going? I don't even know what I'll say. I'm going to have to search for advice on what others have done in their counseling. I feel much more detached than last time and much calmer. I just hate the idea of a repeat of last time of him telling me he wants a D and that he's happy with things the way they are. What do I respond to that? I had said that things were fine in my life with the separation too.

Ugh. I was just saying I was doing fine as a way to show I'm GAL. Was that wrong? I know that I'm looking like I'm fine now because lots of my friends/acquaintances say I look great and happy. So my appearance tells it for me.

Any advice on how to act/what to say in the joint session?

[Day by Day]

AND... H just texted me saying he'll take the kids this wknd. We alternate wknds. I thought he asked for an extra day last week to substitute for him not being able to see them because he was out of town last wknd. I didn't hear from him about this wknd so I assumed we were sticking to the schedule... this wknd is mine.

I already made plans with the kids to go visit H's cousin. I told him he should of told me earlier. Well, I can tell he's not happy. Oh, well. I don't think I should change my plans since he didn't communicate with me. I have a life and so do the kids. He won't be able to see them next wknd he said, so he wants to substitute another day next wknd. I've been very cooperative and flexible in the past. Maybe too much.

He wanted to try the suggestion of the C to come sleep over on his wknds and for me to go sleep somewhere else. Guess next chance is in 3 wks. I'm detaching, I'm detaching... Not my fault plans aren't working out.

[sandi2]

Well, this is my take on the situation now. With you feeling like you do about the C and not agreeing about what to talk with your H at the session......I really think it would be best if your H went alone. You have not started this good and you already are out of patient. If you want a man who is in MLC, then as I told you earlier, you may be looking anywhere from 3-5 years until he comes out of the fog. What he may or may not do while he's in that fog is anyone's guess, but I'l tell you one thing you can depend on from him......unpredictable. Never, ever "assume" that he'll do something b/c a person in MLC will not do what a grown up person is expected to do. They will not act responsible. You cannot depend on them. So......you are in for a long, long rollercoaster ride if you want to have him back again.

Frankly, I think he needs to stick to IC b/c you already "know" what you want, but it is your H who doesn't know what he wants in his life. He needs C for MLC. If he will not agree to attend a retreat b/c of its regligious bases for working on the M, then there is not much to do about that. Has he always been turned off by God or the Church? Although, MLC can cause you to turn from that way of life and you don't want anyone craming relioug down your throat......or even mentioning it!

Don't expect him to want to talk about reconciling "if" he is in MLC. I don't know that he is, but I'm saying "if" he is, then you'll set yourself up for hurt by thinking he's normal until he gets through this. Again, I encourage you to visit the MLC forum board. That is the place that knows about this sort of thing. That is where I was for a while and there were great people who helped me.

[Day by Day]

Sandi, thank you for your input. I'm pretty confused on what I feel and very afraid of H pushing D. It's not that I don't want to talk @ C session. I don't know what I'll say. I'm afraid of screwing up and seem pursuing, etc.

I know I am impatient. I just miss my H. I do have compassion for him, it's just he's always been centered and intelligent and this behavior is so crazy. I feel so unwanted by him and it hurts. I know we all feel that way. Maybe it's pride? I'm struggling with my own feelings.

Yeah, I'll drop the Retro. Anyways we missed signup. He isn't that religious. I've become much more faithful than before.

Thanks again Sandi. Your words help. I'll start visiting the MLC board.

[Butterfly1]

The hardest thing to remember is this =- It's not about you. I know the feeling - "If he loved me how could he treat me this way?" and the answer is "It's not about me." He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting his own feelings, his own anger, hurt, resentment that he can't express to you. I know it hurts and you are being very mature to have compassion for him and forgive him. This will get you through the miles of patience you will need and sounds like you have within you. But you can't make a blind man see. If he is temporarily blind because of the overwhelming power of his own pain, you can't make him see it. You can't make him feel what he is driven to escape. Sounds like he's running fast from you and his responsiblity to his M because you represent being real and facing the pain.

But none of this is your issue. You need to take care of yourself and not feel to blame.

I don't know what to suggest in MC> Be prepared that he goes off on D talk and hold on to yourself. Let yourself know that when he says this he is running from his responsibilities, not you.

I'd say let him vent. Let him get it out. Then try to bring the conversation around to more realistic issues - his feelings, your feelings, what he needs, what you need, what's gone wrong, what needs change - Just ignore the D talk like they are false threats. Don't give them the power he wants them to. Call his bluff.

THis has worked for me, when I can do it. It's hard and nobody is saying you should or can easily do what I'm suggesting. Just take it with a grain of salt but if you stay calm and open, perhaps you can steer him there too.