Mach, Cat, MW, Trapt - Thanks for your support. I know I haven't been the most communicative lately, what with all the $#!+ going on at work and this D, but I really appreciate you guys being there for me. It really means a lot.
So, the big bad dreaded D has come and gone. I, glutton for punishment that I am, opted to go to the Ore Tenus hearing despite the fact that I didn't have to. I know that most people wouldn't understand, but I had to go. For me. It might sound weird, but going gave me a sense of control over my own life. I can't control what is happening, but I CAN control ME. I wanted to see how my (now) xw handled herself, and all of this. I wanted to see the expression on her face and hear the inflections in her voice in court. I wanted to see her reaction to seeing the man that she was divorcing....present and accounted for....because it mattered. Because WE matter. I did not hide from my fate. I faced it willingly, and I actually feel empowered by it. Strange.
As she went through the answers to the required questions her L read to her, I could hear the trembling in her voice, as if she was tearing up, but I never saw a tear. She stared straight down at the table in front of her, never looking up once. At the end of everything, she stood by the door to the courtroom. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, standing there, her body square on to me as I told Kitty, her witness, that I didn't hold anything against her for her role in the proceedings that day. I turned to face my xw. She stood there with an "I'm sorry" look on her face, wanting to say something, but not knowing what to say. Seeing that I was making the motion to leave, she said "goodbye" in a quiet voice. I said "goodbye", but the courtroom proceedings were still going on and I didn't hear my own words over the din, so I'm pretty sure she didn't either. But she saw the words as my lips moved.
And I left.
I took the rest of the day to myself to process all my feelings. And the next day too. I'm still not done, but at least I'm back to work today. I don't know how much I'll get done, but I'm here.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
I am sorry Jimbo. All of this stuff is so painful. I'm glad you are working through your feelings.
As with all of my friends here, I feel for you when I read about what you are going through and hear your pain. Hard stuff, but we will all be stronger at the end of it.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
I know that most people wouldn't understand, but I had to go. For me. It might sound weird, but going gave me a sense of control over my own life. I can't control what is happening, but I CAN control ME. I wanted to see how my (now) xw handled herself, and all of this. I wanted to see the expression on her face and hear the inflections in her voice in court. I wanted to see her reaction to seeing the man that she was divorcing....present and accounted for....because it mattered. Because WE matter. I did not hide from my fate. I faced it willingly, and I actually feel empowered by it. Strange.
It's not strange. It demonstrates the depth of your character.
Grace. Honor. Dignity. Somebody around here reminded me of that.
