Infidelity

[sandi2]

Okay, so I guess I will upset the apple cart. I hate to after you have said such sweet things about me, but there are two things that bother me. One is that I was not sure if he ever told you what happen the weekend he came back from CA after he was with OW. Why was he so ready to repent? Did he ever tell you about that? You don't have to give us details, but as long as you know what triggered him being so remorseful....that is what matters.

Then, the second thing I keep seeing pop up is your problem of not being able to cast out the images of OW and how it is affecting you sexually. I think I totally get that and sure I would be the same way! But, I want to put this in some different terms as if I were another person talking to you, okay? So, I see this statment you made and wonder about it.

I mourn the fact that there will never be that sanctity in our marriage ever again, that the sacredness of that act of making love is tarnished and will be scarred forever,

I know that I am from the other side of the fense, but you surely aren't saying that you have these words in your mind when the two of you ML. Call me bad, but I just never had thoughts of how sanctified our M was and how having sex was so sacred between us....all the time we were having the act of sex.

Actually, I think I know what you are really saying when you made that statement.....but I hope you will force yourself to stop dwelling on how "tarnished" the sex is b/c your H was with OW. I don't mean to insult you, sweetheart, but you wanted him back and he couldn't come back without his body. He couldn't wave a magic wand and everything be back the way it was before the A. It couldn't be both ways......know what I mean?

Part of the forgiviness is to forgive ALL of what happened. If you pick out the parts you choose to forgive and hang on to parts you can't get over.....then this D has not been busted. Don't you know that he regrets the fact that he messed up and that he cannot undo what you held so sacred? It was a choice of being together or going separate ways.

As long as you hold on to this type of thought process....then you are building up resentmet toward him for ruining the "special" union the two of you had. I promise you this....it will come out in your attitude toward him. Little by little it will kill the MR! Wouldn't that be terrible to think that he came back from the arms of OW, but his wife would not turn lose of this idea of a sacred & sanctified union being forever tarnished?

Please stop doing this to the two of you. I know you could argue that he did it when he had the A. But, here is my point.....if you chose to stay in the M with him, you must do it with full forgiveness or it will sour and begin to rot. You can count on it. I just think there are other things to think about rather than this sort of thing. What if he mourned the fact he was no longer M to a pure innoncent virgin the day after your wedding? ....okay, maybe not a great comparison, but it's all I can think of right now....

Maybe some of this will come out in the counseling and the C can help you with that. It does take time! I think it is wonderful you've been given another chance. Yes, grieve for what was lost, but then look at this as a "new" M with hope and a future. Don't kill its chances by allowing that OW to capture your thoughts and ruin your M. If you can overcome that.....I think you'll have it made!

Don't quit us, just b/c you feel things are on an upward climb, b/c you still need support. It is early and "piecing" can be tough. So, keep coming back, okay?
Hope I didn't hurt too badly with my 2X4.