Cake eating WAW in MLC and EA part 2

[CABBR]

Yesterday we saw the child psychologist to review results from tests administered to s9 for potential adhd diagnosis. She recemmends that s9 not regularly see her because of his guarded responses and that we meet with her instead, which I think makes a lot of sense. I'm sensing that the psychologist is beginning to see that s9 is pretty normal and needs more consistent boundaries, etc.

We're starting to see tangible progress in how my son approaches and reacts to things due, in part, to structure implemented at home.

S9's new teacher is also helping a lot with organization and completion of school/home work. S9 seems to be owning these responsibilities more. I don't have to hold his hand as much in finishing home work.

My W has been working a lot of nights. Two different restaurants. This is a woman with an MBA and tons of business experience. She arrived home last night after midnight - usually gets home at 10:30. Said something this morning about one of the restaurant managers being uptight. I didn't respond and didn't say anything about her late arrival. Should I be engaging when she says something or pretend to not GAS?

My boys climbed into bed with me this morning. The first thing s9 says is why can't Mommy sleep upstairs. They still have no clue what is actually going down. I am wondering whether it's fair to not tell them until we know when one of us is actually moving out. I don't see that happening for months.

Cabbr

[givingitmyall]

Hey cabbr,

I have a S with ADHD as well, so I know some of what you are going through with that. Isn't bad once you understand, and I was not a believer at first.

I didn't respond and didn't say anything about her late arrival. Should I be engaging when she says something or pretend to not GAS?

I wouldn't give her the cold shoulder. You don't have to act like it's the most comeplling thing you've heard in a while. Just listen and respond as you see fit. Just don't be cold.

I am wondering whether it's fair to not tell them until we know when one of us is actually moving out. I don't see that happening for months.

Don't think I would tell them unless you KNOW this IS going to happen. Otherwise, what happens if you tell them then no one moves out. No reason to bring that upon them until necessary.

[CABBR]

Hey GIMA,

Thanks. I don't know whether I'll ever be a believer in medication, at least insofar as s9 is concerned. There are just too many alternatives not yet explored.

I'll try to be less flat with my W. It's hard for me to be shiny happy because I'm in kind of a low grade boil when I'm around her. I know that doesn't help. I have to repeat Strength and Honor.

The degree of dissociation from the M and me is just breath taking at times. The intel is suggesting an all out custody battle.

Cabbr

[givingitmyall]

Funny, my S is 9 too. Medication has helped him, but it took a while to find the right one.

Work on detaching. No matter what happens, you will feel better about you.

[CABBR]

I just read AlexEn's sitch on dropping the D bomb on the kids at the beginning of August. Some great posts there. As is said so often, there are so many similarities.

I will be going through this part of the "process" in about a week or so. I don't expect s9 to react violently but he will be plenty pissed.

My W of course has all the books about coping too and is wanting to create handwritten books for s6 and s9, which sounds like more of the morally relativistic nonsense about how families don't end but relationships do. She'll want to develop a script.

We have a counseling session with a child psychologist next week and my W wants to tell the kids the same day. She now agrees that the children need time to process the situation, i.e. don't wait until the day before she is moving out.

I want to take the Coach approach and say nothing during the speech. I want her to own it because it's her choice, but don't want to seem vindictive or provide ammunition for my boys to build resentment toward W (though they already have), which is why I think saying nothing is probably best.

I don't think anything should be said about her spending or EA post bomb, but I'm not sure how to handle ambiguous explanations that skirt the truth. I believe my W will want to make this seem as innocuous and mutual as possible, i.e. "we've decided to end our marriage," but I worry about the "because" part of the statement. I'm wondering how to handle this aspect - the bullchit factor as PDT might say.

My W wanted to speak with me late Saturday night about custody schedules, property division, vacations, etc. I asked her what her intentions were in regard to living arrangements and working. She confirmed she is looking for another house to buy and has no plans to begin working full time for at least 6-8 months so she can finish course work in mediation(LOL) certification. W indicates her first priority is to be a Mom to our children and therefore will not work a regular job at least for a few years. I just sort of nodded and didn't get too agitated.

Her proposed custody schedule is more reasonable, but I let her know (again) that I will not accept less than 50% physcial custody and she starts saying she is offering more than I would get, asking if I know the law and hopes I am listening to my L - as if I am ignoring L's advice. She finally packs up her marbles and says we can fight it out in court along with everything else.

Funny, she was a little nicer the next morning.

Cabbr.

[CABBR]

Yesterday, we met with a child psychologist again in regard to how and when to tell the kids (S9, S6). The psych still believes in not saying anything until you know what's going to happen and when.

While this seems sound, my W has told the parents of a number of S9's friends and it could easily get back to out kids through their friends, which would be awful. Plus we have some of these kids over and they ask, referring to the basement, who sleeps here?

Following this meeting, my W wants to engage in more of what I think PDT would describe as "normalizing" - going places with one parent and the other becoming scarce, so the kids become more acclimated to this situation. While it may lessen their anxiety in the near term, I think it just confuses them more and seems like it's being done just as much to lessen the guilt of the WAS, so that when the bomb is ultimately droped on them, the kids are so desensitised they don't really react. I really don't want to play this game.

Despite their ages, my kids have a right to know and they are quite conflicted/upset at times when Mommy is out or working at night.

What do you guys think?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you should tell them. The fact that so many others know, and they could hear it from someone OTHER than their parents, outweighs everything else, in my opinion.

I also think some time with one parent is good. In fact, it is the "one big happy family Fun Days" -- after they've been told of possible D or S -- that tends to confuse them.

"Normalizing" refers to the cheating spouse trying to get everyone in their life to be "OK with everything," and I think it's more about the ADULTS. Kids need both of their parents, first and foremost, and as long as she's not lying to them, or putting them in any unhealthy environments, I think some time alone with each of you would be good.

Your wife also needs to feel what it would be like to single-parent them, without you. She may not like it.

Puppy

[CABBR]

Thanks PDT,

We've had a few outings and dinners as a family, but on the weekends, my W is usually out or working. While there is no semblance of a marital relationship, most of the environmental and emotional trappings of a family are present, which confuses the kids.

My W plans on taking the kids to my SIL's house for part of their Thanksgiving break (they get the entire week)and I would take them for the back half. This will be interesting as S9 has said he doesn't want to go anywhere without me. I don't see how this charade can continue much longer.

I don't think my W will feel the full consequence of being a single parent until she moves out, which is not likely to occur for several months into the new year. There is more than a fiar chance that we will be living under the same roof after the D is final.

CABBR

[CABBR]

Last night I mentioned to my W that we should tell the kids sooner rather than later and she now doesn't want to. She thought we should just tell them we "aren't getting along." To which I responded that it isn't fair to them they are already hurting and questioning everything.

She said we still don't have a plan.

I asked is it your intention to move out of this house?
W:yes.

Do you intend to buy another house in town?
W: yes.

M: Sounds like a plan.

She says nothing can be done until some of the properties are sold and that she's entitled to half the marital equity. I said yes your are. But what you're entitled to will not provide sufficient equity to buy another house. She thought I would make up the difference and I don't think I'm obligated to do that.

I said that I don't know what you make (she has a half a dozen part time jobs) and what you will need, and therefore don't know what my finanical commitments will be.

My W says to assume that it will not be much until she can get re-established in a career of some kind.

My W has realized the obvious fact that she will not have the money to buy a place and move out until several months into the new year at the earliest.

She appears to want to use the interim time to her best financial advantage, i.e. we live in the same house so that she doesn't have to make much money while she gets her ducks in a row. This arrangement also has the added bonus of slowly prying the kids way from the concept of a nuclear family. This feels like more of the same, i.e. cake eating.

CABBR

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Feels that way to me, too.

My advice would be for YOU to initiate some sort of legal action, so that you can get her to do the required financial disclosures that will have to accompany it. Until you have that, you simply have no idea what's "fair" here.

You also need to tell your kids. If she won't, then tell her you will, and she can be there if she'd like to be, but that you're going to tell them the truth.

Puppy