Alrighty. Log on to check email, and I get one from my lawyer. It says he had the chance to speak with H's lawyer....My lawyer says H still wants a divorce and H's lawyer was positive about this. My lawyer says he's going to pick some dates for a hearing as H also completely disagrees with my response.
I'm shocked.
I call H and say "So, should I just stay here with my family? What's going on?" I explain the email and H says (this is the very short version) that he hasn't had the chance to speak with his lawyer and no, that's not right. He said, as a matter of fact, H's lawyer tried calling him today, but H had to call him back because he was busy. When H calls his lawyer, lawyer is busy. So H sends him an email which H reads to me. Basically the email says Stronger and I are going to work on this ourselves for a while, until November and then reasses things. If we can't work this out, we'll sit down and figure out the terms, give it to the lawyer to put through the courts. But for now, Stronger and I are going to make a go of it. It's in the best interest of our child.
H told me "Just take your foot off the gas....no drama, remember?" Very calmly I went off. I basicaly said if you don't want drama, one solution would be better communication on your part....you filed, you got the lawyer so how about you keep him in the loop so he's not giving misinformation to my lawyer. That email you sent TODAY, should have gone to your lawyer about two weeks ago. He said "Well...I've been busy...."
Whatever. H says "I told you I want to work on it, so let's relax and work on it. Take your foot off the gas." Yeah, that works out because I'll have to take it off the gas to shove up your A$$!
Good lord. I'm on vacation. Who needs this? Seriously?
As a very wise person said to me once, if you don't figure out what this seperation is about (from his perspective) it will never end.
He has said he wants to work on it. I would suggest being a little more non-reactive. I know it was a shock. Should he have sent the e-mail to his L sooner? Sure, you're right. Feel better? I am not trying to be harsh. We all get caught up in the minutia of life sometimes. He did. Breathe.
Communication is hard at best esp in a way that won't make him feel like you're "setting him up" and that you're pressuring him. Alot of men tend to be less verbal. Remember, that 7% (approx) of a convo is verbal.
Is he the only one that needs to learn different communication skills or can you learn his style too?
I completely understand what everyone is saying here and frankly, in terms of communicating, I'm the one who's gone to therapy and read millions of books and articles about communicating with my H. Reading one now as a matter of fact.
My point is this....he last tells the lawyer he wants a divorce. Then does very little to let the lawyer know what we have decided to do...in the meantime, our lawyers have a chance meeting. My lawyer explains to his, "No, my client told me they were going to do nothing legally for the time being and since my client won't push for an answer that is an option for them." Then H's lawyer goes into a speech with absolute certainty that my H wants the D done and tells my lawyer to set a hearing date.
In speaking with H, his explanation was "Oh, I haven't had a chance to speak with my lawyer. I sent him an email today." And let's remember, I'm talking about the guy (my H) who filed and then didn't tell me for weeks and weeks. And then when he does, his answer was "Really, I'm not sure why I did it" referring to the actual filing.
And unfortunately, I've learned during this almost entire year, he says one thing to person A and a completely different thing to me. So it was very possible he told his lawyer to set a hearing even after telling me he wanted to work on things.
Sorry folks, the communication break down is not on my end. And today, I learned his lack of communication is not just with me. Oddly that does make me feel better on one hand, but not so much on the other.
It's amazing, you think you can't be surprised or sucker punched anymore....but you can be.
And believe me, had I done this, had it been the other way around where my lack of communication with my lawyer almost set a hearing in motion while he was on vacation....it would have been a much different and louder conversation.
Guys I completely understand what you all are saying....(but not the veruca salt comment....I'll have to google that) but I'm at a point that I've made very clear to H....I'm ready to work on this WITH HIM. There are days when he's on board....then there are too many when seemingly he's not. Those days I just STFU and deal and wait it out.
I'm happy to make the changes I've made. They've benefit me beyond my wildest dreams....from home to work to friends to even tennis....but I can make every positive change possible and it won't matter one bit if (as it relates to my relationsip with H) he doesn't make one himself more over the many he needs to make.
If he's "working on things" great, work on it. I know he'll do it his way and I can see a few efforts, but then I see more of his old ways that helped to get us here.
For example, he has a blog....on it recently he wrote that he's a simple guy and simple things make him happy, like a good slice of pizza but the best thing is the smile from a pretty girl, THAT IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!! Great. My H needs other women to smile at him and give him attention because why? Am I not enough? OK. Maybe I'm not right now, that just plain sucks--however I could deal....with the hope that one day, we could be in a place where each other is enough. But will I ever be enough? Will he ever not need the attention of other women?
Or--completely different direction--was he just being poetic and wasn't even aware of what he wrote? Possible. Who knows? The plan was to ignored it. The old Stronger would have flipped, called him screaming and told him to remove it. Didn't bother with it this time.
(His need and search for other female relationships is definitely a big part of why we are here. Once, he said I'm going to have to deal with that because he would always have such a relationship with at least one other woman besides me. Another time he said he was done with relationships with other women, co-workers and basic friends only and I would be it, his all and only for close female companionship. He's gone back and forth on it. I'm not even sure when we last spoke about it or why it came up but we've had that conversation more than once, and every time, it was calm and very productive.)
Cat, I have gone back and read/skimmed my posts. I do see progress. I appreciate it.
Beginner, I know he's a mess. Believe me, I know. When we talked about the conversation between the lawyers, he was apologetic then defensive. I don't know that I will ever not take some of this personally. Letting it go, not calling him was not an option. I did have to call him and figure this crap out because my lawyer was about to go on the billing clock as he was going to set up a hearing date per H's lawyer's firm proclamation that my H definitely wanted out and that my side needed to seek hearing dates to fight it out. Not really what I wanted to deal with while on vacation.
Also recently learned I lost out on a job I think I would have really enjoyed because during the basic search it was discovered that my H and I have a filing between us. I shouldn't have been surprised since it's online for anyone to see. I really wanted to just sit down and cry then. But why bother? It would have been a minimum 10 grand raise. That's just more salt...with a couple of pieces of glass.
