At this point, I'm not sure where I belong, but I'll stick in peicing until the U-haul pulls up.
Background:
H 38, Me 37, boys 4 & 6, Married 1988
Fall 02, H travelled tons, I thought he should be home/with boys more--nagged/cold shoulder/angry with him--all backfired, 11/02, tells me he wants D. He gets phone calls on his cell that he suddenly must take outside. Snoop only once, woman's name he works with. He found out I snooped--ugly scene
Winter---see MC, she's not great, but gets us through worst part. I DB butt off. H tells me that I was so miserable last fall that drove him away, likes my disposition better now.
Spring--I get my first ILY. Still very infrequent. He rates our M as a 6 out of 10.
Summer--He plans mystery family vacation to CA, great time, the two of us go to Europe together, wonderful.
Mid-August--H talks about cruise for our 15th anniversary, has been a bad year. Book tickets to Orlando for family vacation. He turns 38. Becomes miserable. Tells me it isn't going to work, he doesn't love me, good times aren't enough, doesn't feel like shouting from roof top that he loves me, feels empty inside. His life is half over and he doesn't want to spend the second half wasting it away with me. Mystery phone calls begin again.
9/5 -- moves to a hotel for 10 days. Decide not to tell parents anything.
9/18 -- home, but apartment hunting. Finds apartment, should be ready mid-October. Has not put money down yet, as far as I know.
We have had some good talks, but he is still talking about who gets Thanksgiving/Christmas. He had said he would have T-day, so I have been playing in my head that the kids and I would visit Germany if plane fares allow for Christmas. I told him this last night as we must both appear to get kids' passports. He went nuts that I would take the kids away from him at Christmas. Told me he didn't know the person I was anymore.
We also were talking and I told him I didn't want any overnight female friends at his apartment while the kids were there. He went ballastic, couldn't believe I would say that, asked me what I was trying to say. Told him, just that, wanted him to know how I felt.
I asked him what he wanted out of the separation, he pointed to his chest and said I want to discover what is inside me, what I am.
Some days he is fun to be around, other days he will barely look or talk to me. There is part of me that feels we are just holding off the inevitable. Trying to stop walking on eggshells, but it is hard. Still in people-pleaser mode. I got yelled out for doing homework with S7 (today!) after school as he wants to be part of his educational experience! A big can't win mentality going on here.
The stress is beginning to affect me. I have constant headaches and feel bone-tired and lack the energy to do anything. I need to work on some goals and get myself going again and out of these dumps.
Quote: At this point, I'm not sure where I belong, but I'll stick in peicing until the U-haul pulls up
I think this is a great way of looking at it. But you are right, you need to set your own goals and focus on you and the kids. Let him figure himself out or you'll wear yourself down to the point where you can't function.
Look on the bright side, you got football tickets!
2-3, it's going to be a long year, but at least you get to go!
Keep on, Jackie. You are doing a great job! Try to take care of yourself too.
Your H needs to clarify what he wants for himself and in his life. He will have to hit bottom before he can push himself up. Unfortunately that means worrying, waiting and suffering for you. I wish I could make it go away and fastforward you two to a better future. I have been there and know well how it felt.
Be patient, my friend. Concentrate on you and your kids. Be your best for you, and hopefully once the waters clear he will realize what an a**h*** he has been and start working on your R. You cannot control his thoughts or his actions. jstx's advice is right on target.
And even in this turmoil, there will come a time in which you will get a measure of inner peace. When you look into yourself and realize that you like the skin you live in and the person you are. Then you will know that you have won regardless of what happens to your M.
Do not despair. It is not over until it is over. And the fat lady has laryngitis and cannot sing
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I've been thinking of you. Work has me without time to really read or post, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think it's important that your H pointed to his chest and said he needed to figure out what is inside of him. I feel strongly that things are far from over. Please try to look at this as time for him to think through some things. Try to limit your thinking in terms of this being the beginning of the end, although I know so well how it can feel just like that is what's happening. Take one day at a time - hour by hour if you need to. You have already been through so much, but you can do this. ((((((Jackie))))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I like what optimist said here: "And even in this turmoil, there will come a time in which you will get a measure of inner peace. When you look into yourself and realize that you like the skin you live in and the person you are. Then you will know that you have won regardless of what happens to your M."
That is so true! I started reading the book, "Getting Back Together." It is really good and think you would get alot out of it too. It talks about how a S can be an important part of reconciling for good. How S allows time for bad feelings to heal and for personal growth. I truly believe that for some of us it can be the best hope for us. Hang in there!!! Things will get worse before they get better, but they will get better! I'm here for ya!! nik
I know it's hard not to let the "you can't win" mentality get to you. (It's kind of like fighting boggarts. (Hope you've read Prisoner of Azkaban.) At some point it will have to become ridiculous. Hang in there. --z
A sense here from reading your post. Obviously we know I didn't do things right, but your H really really sounds like David did when he moved. To find the person inside to clear his head.
I know he ended up out to dinner with OW, but I think I pushed him there. Just don't want to see you do the same thing.
I think key is going to be validating and being supportive and shoot the way things seem to be running on the bb this week lets find some of the water or whatever and give to David and your h both!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Don't really have anything to add to what has already been said, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and hoping that you are feeling better.
As has already been said, there really isn't too much you can do right now other than focus on yourself and the kids.
I'm glad you've stopped walking on eggshells. You've been walking on them since last November, and it isn't fair to you.
I still think he is just plain confused. He wants this, yet he doesn't. He wants to be separated, but doesn't seem to want the things that go along with it.
ALL choices have consequences, good and bad. He needs to understand that.
Take care of yourself, Jackie. You're a fine lady.
Wow, with all the wisdom on this board, who needs therapists? Just reading the advice and words of reason helps calm my mind and my junk thinking.
J, you are very right, I have been spending so much effort figuring out what is wrong with him that I am ceasing to function in basic living my own life. I need to concentrate on that and do things for the kids and I that I want to do. And just plain enjoy the Penn State game in the rain. Are you a graduate? Taking the kids up for the parade Friday night.
Optomist, I have felt that peace, but it hasn't stuck around very long, but possible know that it does exist and can return will be enough for me to keep doing what I feel is right. Be happy with the choices I make.
Mockers, as much as it hurts, I do think he needs time to himself to really think things over. I don't know how long this will take and what the result will be, but I don't think he is willing to do it with me around, I think I'm an easy scapegoat for what is wrong in his life. And do I so have that "beginning of the end" mentality, thanks for pointing it out.
Nik, I checked that book out back in November when this started, I need to really read it, I'm thinking it does apply to us and our situation.
Z--I am fighting those boggarts, gotta stop. I liked what you said on your thread, when you are so tired or angry with them that you just want to kick their butt, it is a signal that it is time to back off. I am very angry with him at the moment, so starting or pursuing any conversations are not going to do any good.
Pam, the H's sure do seem similar. I don't know if there is any right or wrong in our actions, just try and do things that we can look back and be proud of our actions.
Last night: Horrible. Should have read my thread before dinner. Met H for dinner, S7's birthday and my parents are still up. Kids were playing some video games, so H and I sat down. He has the horrible look on his face, always a key to something bad down the road. So we sit down and he tells me he is not going to Disney with us and as soon as the townhome is ready, he is moving out. I ask, on Saturday you were planning to do Disney and still undecided, what changed. He said, our conversation the other night, that you were willing to take the kids for Germany for Christmas. I start to defend myself: I wasn't going to take them the whole break, we talked about x-mas together, and then afterwards go for the rest of break. He also said it wouldn't be fair to the kids for him to go to Disney? I didn't argue, especially as he said, this is neither the time nor the place for this conversation. So he can live here until he decides to move out, but going on vacation together will confuse the kids. My parents are starting to get a clue, H barely even spoke to them when he was direcly asked a question. I'm very dissapointed in his behavior. But, he is a grown adult and can do what he wants. I'm sure my "female friend" comment is also what led to this decision. But, this is spending more energy in figuring him out! I didn't talk to him when we got home, I was too angry and thought that would only escalate the situation.
And the fat lady has laryngitis and cannot sing 
Just don't want to see you do the same thing.