SG - You and I are on the same wavelength to be sure. I'm sure you can imagine all of the steps I needed to take to destroy any remnants of prior relationships when we first started going out. Any old letters, pictures, momentos, etc., had to go. I ditched a ton of stuff (other stuff my parents had was kept) so that she would know I wasn't screwing around. She even insisted that prior women weren't talked about when she was around which was tough at first whenever we were around family and old friends as they were the memories they had. My wife was VERY insecure (always has been) as everyone she had ever dated had either cheated on her or dumped her. Most cheated on her so she was extra sensitive and paranoid about it. It took a long time to get her to trust me and know I wouldn't do that to her. That's just not who I am.
BUT it was okay for HER to maintain contact with her old BFs that were nice guys and frankly I didn't worry about it too much as she was always very loving and always talking about our future together, etc. The sex was great and plentiful with her initiating often. So I took her contact with them for what it seemed to be, just platonic.
Fast-forward 23 years and I find out she is in an EA with someone who was always a good friend in H.S.(but not a romantic interest supposedly) and the lying and hiding and denying begin. After each confrontation about it (five times over the last two years) she would stop contact with him for a week or two but always goes back. She says she started becoming more attached to him because I wasn't "there for her" and wasn't "supportive" of her and understanding of her unhappiness. Now she says she is "totally cut-off" from him but is not sorry she had those feelings for him. She is only sorry that it hurt me as it wasn't "intentional".
So now I don't trust her at all. Her lying is continual and about such stupid stuff. I guess once they get into the habit and think they have you fooled, they just can't stop themselves. She denies that she is lying even when it is completely obvious to anyone that she is. Such a dream world she now lives in. Makes me feel sorry for her but that doesn't make me trust her. She needs to earn my trust again. The onus is on her to show me she can be trusted. And because she wants to leave me anyway, she has no desire to make the effort to earn my trust back. She could care less.
So if we do end up divorcing, we'll be cordial, polite but not "friends". She'll have lost the priviledge to be friends with someone like me.
Me 47 W 44 D16, D13 T 23yrs M 20yrs WAW/MLC + Male EA "BFF from H.S." = Misery
