At this point, I'm not sure where I belong, but I'll stick in peicing until the U-haul pulls up.
Background:
H 38, Me 37, boys 4 & 6, Married 1988
Fall 02, H travelled tons, I thought he should be home/with boys more--nagged/cold shoulder/angry with him--all backfired, 11/02, tells me he wants D. He gets phone calls on his cell that he suddenly must take outside. Snoop only once, woman's name he works with. He found out I snooped--ugly scene
Winter---see MC, she's not great, but gets us through worst part. I DB butt off. H tells me that I was so miserable last fall that drove him away, likes my disposition better now.
Spring--I get my first ILY. Still very infrequent. He rates our M as a 6 out of 10.
Summer--He plans mystery family vacation to CA, great time, the two of us go to Europe together, wonderful.
Mid-August--H talks about cruise for our 15th anniversary, has been a bad year. Book tickets to Orlando for family vacation. He turns 38. Becomes miserable. Tells me it isn't going to work, he doesn't love me, good times aren't enough, doesn't feel like shouting from roof top that he loves me, feels empty inside. His life is half over and he doesn't want to spend the second half wasting it away with me. Mystery phone calls begin again.
9/5 -- moves to a hotel for 10 days. Decide not to tell parents anything.
9/18 -- home, but apartment hunting. Finds apartment, should be ready mid-October. Has not put money down yet, as far as I know.
We have had some good talks, but he is still talking about who gets Thanksgiving/Christmas. He had said he would have T-day, so I have been playing in my head that the kids and I would visit Germany if plane fares allow for Christmas. I told him this last night as we must both appear to get kids' passports. He went nuts that I would take the kids away from him at Christmas. Told me he didn't know the person I was anymore.
We also were talking and I told him I didn't want any overnight female friends at his apartment while the kids were there. He went ballastic, couldn't believe I would say that, asked me what I was trying to say. Told him, just that, wanted him to know how I felt.
I asked him what he wanted out of the separation, he pointed to his chest and said I want to discover what is inside me, what I am.
Some days he is fun to be around, other days he will barely look or talk to me. There is part of me that feels we are just holding off the inevitable. Trying to stop walking on eggshells, but it is hard. Still in people-pleaser mode. I got yelled out for doing homework with S7 (today!) after school as he wants to be part of his educational experience! A big can't win mentality going on here.
The stress is beginning to affect me. I have constant headaches and feel bone-tired and lack the energy to do anything. I need to work on some goals and get myself going again and out of these dumps.
