It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

I have realized that I have become the scapegoat for my W's suppression of her wants and needs. She chose to give up her identity, her self, to make me happier. She blames me. With the help of her T she believes the only way to truly be herself is if I am not there. She thinks I will reject this new her but that's actually completely untrue. I see this suppression of the real her as the reason I was unable to completely appreciate her for herself. I can't compete against this ideal of me as the reason for her lack of self-esteem. I think that's all she wrote.

And I don't want to spend the rest of my life with that kind of blame. I did my share of bad things. But she discounts the things I encouraged her to do as invalid to her ego because they were done to please me. I don't want to avoid that argument with the false hope that she will see through it on her own. She won't. It's too convenient for her to feel liberated from the monster H who kept her down.

I wasn't her "master" and never made it seem that I felt that way. I admit I could have done more to show her I appreciated her and the fact I chose not to is WHY she feels this way. I feel true shame for that. But I did really want her to be independent, strong, confident and true to herself. If she was able to do that, we could have been stronger. I don't think I can repair that image of me. It eliminates her guilt to put that on me and toss me out with the rest of the garbage.

I'm not garbage. I failed but I'm not evil. I don't know if that's a race I can win. Better, I think, to find one that I at least have a chance at.

I wrote a letter to her and don't think it's worth sending. Not so much because it might make her further reject me but because it won't change anything. I don't think any action I take, no matter how consistent will make a difference. From now on my changes are mine, not for someone who won't appreciate them. I'm not sure I want to be around a person who deep down thinks I am the root of all their miseries.

Tell me I'm wrong that it's a misinterpretation, that I'm letting grief take over. I want to believe it's possible but I don't see it.