It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

Right now, all of our talks are very businesslike and her tone is always positive. We aren't fighting at all, no cross words, but I worry that means the train will just keep rumbling along the tracks until the D is filed and final.

I fear that train, too. It may not be a rational one, though. Some progress has to happen on both sides. It's a good thing to have momentum and evolution, even if it takes you in a scary direction. Personally, I HAVE TO trust my W can make the best decisions. Among the options I'm not so appealing. I need to show her that I'm worth reconsidering.

I keep looking for an opening any opening where there is vulnerability and a chance for a real talk.

My suggestion is to be kind and listen. Show that you're flexible and willing to listen to her concerns. Usually you can do that by showing interest and concern for everyday (neutral) things like work or kids. Then wait. That's what I did--while trying HARD not to shoot myself in the foot. (I got a lot of it out of me here! Thanks everyone and sorry for whining!) I hid a lot of my hurt and neediness and that pays off.

Overall, I'm in a better place now after that conversation. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, though.

[TooLateForMe]

I have realized that I have become the scapegoat for my W's suppression of her wants and needs. She chose to give up her identity, her self, to make me happier. She blames me. With the help of her T she believes the only way to truly be herself is if I am not there. She thinks I will reject this new her but that's actually completely untrue. I see this suppression of the real her as the reason I was unable to completely appreciate her for herself. I can't compete against this ideal of me as the reason for her lack of self-esteem. I think that's all she wrote.

And I don't want to spend the rest of my life with that kind of blame. I did my share of bad things. But she discounts the things I encouraged her to do as invalid to her ego because they were done to please me. I don't want to avoid that argument with the false hope that she will see through it on her own. She won't. It's too convenient for her to feel liberated from the monster H who kept her down.

I wasn't her "master" and never made it seem that I felt that way. I admit I could have done more to show her I appreciated her and the fact I chose not to is WHY she feels this way. I feel true shame for that. But I did really want her to be independent, strong, confident and true to herself. If she was able to do that, we could have been stronger. I don't think I can repair that image of me. It eliminates her guilt to put that on me and toss me out with the rest of the garbage.

I'm not garbage. I failed but I'm not evil. I don't know if that's a race I can win. Better, I think, to find one that I at least have a chance at.

I wrote a letter to her and don't think it's worth sending. Not so much because it might make her further reject me but because it won't change anything. I don't think any action I take, no matter how consistent will make a difference. From now on my changes are mine, not for someone who won't appreciate them. I'm not sure I want to be around a person who deep down thinks I am the root of all their miseries.

Tell me I'm wrong that it's a misinterpretation, that I'm letting grief take over. I want to believe it's possible but I don't see it.

[ClingingToHope]

What happened today? Yesterday you sounded much more hopeful. Is it just the emotional roller coaster or did you have a bad interaction?

[TooLateForMe]

It's getting to me. I'm in a cool, unemotional place. I wanted to feel good about that conversation but along with the stuff I mentioned were negative things. She told me all the things I did to help her feel good were useless because she did them only so I could be proud of her. Even if we never got back together I was always proud I got her to believe she could go to college. But she's taking that away from me and turning me into a bad guy for helping her. That is wrong and mean and if I tell her that I'm the one who's a jerk.

She's devaluing all I did for her, rewriting the past. The only reason to do that is to take away from any positive things I did. I have to be the monster or she's got to take responsibility for her own issues. She pretends to but places the blame on me. I can't do anything if not only the bad things I did are bad but the good ones as well. I hope I'm wrong. Maybe I just started focusing on the negative but how do I get over the walls if she keeps building them. I don't know if I can. What do I do if she remakes the past to make me a bigger villain?

[TooLateForMe]

I'll do a 180. I'll stop trying. Unless I get a clear signal that she wants me to.

[Virtually_Handsome]

If by stop trying, you mean stop pressuring her, then you are on the right track.

"Trying" is the last thing you need to do. Becoming a better version of you, stronger, more attractive, more self assured, a better all around person is a very good idea.

If stopping trying means moping, drooping, going poor me, then it's a really bad plan.

And your course of action for the near future should not depend at all on whether she sends "signals" or not. You are not doing it for her.

[TooLateForMe]

No, not for her. course of action has little to do w/ signals. I'm not expecting them and likely they won't come. If she wants me I'm here, otherwise I have stuff to do.

[Buttercup37]

Hope writing the list of good things about her will help! It's been a positive thing for me.

Also let me pass on something someone here said to me a few days ago...it's not a bad thing that she doesn't trust that you've truly changed - she's noticed your changes! That's a good thing! It takes time and keeping up those new actions & GALing to win her trust back. Have you read or listened to Light her Fire yet? We seem to have in common that a few years ago it was us who were questioning whether the marriage would work - this is a slightly different situation than some others who post here. I've found that although not everything is appropriate for me to do at this time, Light His Fire has helped me GAL while also ensuring I'm showing H that I care about him. It keeps reminding me to focus on the positives.

Hang in there and take care of yourself!

[TooLateForMe]

Not going to post the list. It just made me sad. It was a good idea but made me feel like it's all slipping away.

I will check out the book. I've seen the title around here. GAL is my main priority right now, so that should be good. Thanks.

[TooLateForMe]

Yes, I know. Pouting is bad. No pouting. No one wants to help a pouter.

I'm going to try flirting w/ W. Not raunchy or anything, just casual. I texted "poke" then "(((hugs))) see, not grumpy" she replied "don't make me giggle" and I replied "I like it when you giggle." I know, not earth-shattering (or even clever) but it's a step.

W and I are talking and it's not what I want but I have to be okay with what I have.

been listening to borrowed audio of Light her fire. Thanks for the recommendation, buttercup!

Gotta fight the sad and get out and DO THINGS. Really improves the mood and keeps me out of my head.

I think a lot of my complaining is about attention-getting. I know I can't do that w/ W but I need to get a handle on that and not inflict it on everyone else.

Some hope on the job front. But talking to W and Ds reminds me of all the things I can't be involved in. They're picking out Halloween costumes, making party plans. Hopefully, I can hang with them on Halloween at W's dad's. That's the tentative plan and hope it works out. FIL was supportive of us staying together in the past and hope he still is. Could help to counter the negative influences she's getting from others.

Hopefully the meltdown was temporary. Trying to be positive through this is tough! The alternative is worse, though.