I don't think you validate her saying the kids will be better off. We all know that isn't true. Whatever else she says, maybe validate. But not that. If you validate that, it gives her a clean concious about doing it to the kids. I personally didn't and still won't. Maybe you are better off saying nothing when she says that. But don't agree with her on that. And don't feel bad for standing up for your kids on that issue.
Validating doesn't mean you agree but that you understand the other persons POV. "I understand that you think/feel ___________." You are acknowledging their feelings and thoughts, shows you are listening and that you are considering them.
Ex. "Kevin, I understand how you feel about standing for your marriage."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Validating doesn't mean you agree but that you understand the other persons POV. "I understand that you think/feel ___________." You are acknowledging their feelings and thoughts, shows you are listening and that you are considering them.
I guess that is a good point when you put it like that.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Antlers, don't beat yourself up. A lot easier for us to say these things from way out here, without the emotional hammer hitting us in the gut. I've completely blown it in the past too, and had angry arguments with my W I regretted immediately. Try to learn and move forward, what else can we do, right?
I say get a L, tell him/her everything, tell them what your position is, listen to their advice, and prepare yourself. These legal things really don't mean as much as you might think. Like I said, in my sitch, the closer we've gotten to legal papers, the more my W seems unsure, and the more she reaches out to me. Try to just go with the flow. Don't help her, but don't impede either.
You've done great so far Antlers. Amazing how just when we're feeling strong, our WAW can drop a bomb and we find out we weren't quite as strong as we thought. Remember, all the work you've done up til now proves to you that you're okay on your own. You need to meet this challenge knowing that you'll be okay no matter the outcome. That way you can think clearly and rationally.
I've done enough of that to last another lifetime. Yeah, it was a big punch in the gut. There was no argument from me though...I listened to her, and then I said what I needed to say. I have no choice but to move forward...that's what I've been doing all along. I did hope for a second chance though.
I intend to retain an attorney, hopefully next week. These legal things, and talk of such, FEEL like they mean a lot! I don't intend to help her divorce me.
Thank you...I've done the work and will continue to do so...regardless. I felt strong as an ox until her call today. I know I'm OK on my own...I just genuinely care for her and our family, and I'm sad that it's come to this. I know I'll be OK...I'm just deeply remorseful and sad.
I appreciate you for being here...thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I don't think you validate her saying the kids will be better off. We all know that isn't true. Whatever else she says, maybe validate. But not that. If you validate that, it gives her a clean concious about doing it to the kids. I personally didn't and still won't. Maybe you are better off saying nothing when she says that. But don't agree with her on that. And don't feel bad for standing up for your kids on that issue.
Kevin
I won't agree with her on that, but I won't argue with her either. I don't feel bad for feeling this way...and maybe saying nothing is the best thing to do here?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Validating doesn't mean you agree but that you understand the other persons POV. "I understand that you think/feel ___________." You are acknowledging their feelings and thoughts, shows you are listening and that you are considering them.
"I understand your point of view. I understand that you feel that way." Makes perfect sense, and I will work harder to be better at it at all times. That is acknowledging her feelings and thoughts, and it shows I'm listening and that I'm considering her...thanks.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Validating doesn't mean you agree but that you understand the other persons POV. "I understand that you think/feel ___________." You are acknowledging their feelings and thoughts, shows you are listening and that you are considering them.
I guess that is a good point when you put it like that.
Kevin
Yes, it makes good sense.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Wife, I understand how you feel about our past. I also understand very clearly your scars and hurts. I accept total responsibility for that and I am both sorry and aware of what I have done to you and our family. Given a second chance I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you. If you believe that divorce will make you happy then I accept that. I cannot stop you from divorcing me, but know that I want you and our family back.
Sincerily,
antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
