As you are no doubt aware, having children changes a woman's identity and how she feels about herself. You mention in another post that your W talked about plastic surgery etc. I can empathise completely. If she feels that bad about herself, (and it doesn't matter how good she does actually look- it's how she feels she looks), then can you imagine what the OM's attraction to her must have felt like? Wow! Someone actually does think I am fanciable. I just used to think my H said he thought I looked good because he wanted to have sex....I never really thought he meant it - and that's with me being a size 6. Having said that, I honestly don't think you need to dwell on the OM and if he is a factor any more. As the W of the OM, I can assure you that once I knew what my H was up to he didn't have the time or the chance to consider the OW anymore. Infact it was me who obsessed about her - so much so that I nearly broke the M up with my fixation and dislike of her. I did however contact her H just to make sure he knew there would be pretty bad repercussions if his W came anywhere near my H again.
One thing I have a question mark about with DB is that it's a very one sided thing. Now sometimes that is what is needed, but not always, so don't feel you have to keep your distance. your W will be feeling guilty about her actions and also hurt from the rejection of the OM - don't let her slip away because she thinks you are so disgusted and don't care. She also knows that she contributed to the debt with her spending. Again I can empathise with this.
When I was very unhappy in my M , but before I knew about my H's A.....and maybe before he even had his A, I would spend money like anything. I also have horses and even though they can only wear one rug each at a time, my main horse had over 30 rugs!!!! Luckily my H has a very good job as the CEO of a company BUT even so we still had 4 children to support, a large house, the horses and my life style.....I was a lady who like to ride, shop and 'do' lunch. However, I shopped because I was unhappy....and I knew that, but I just couldn't stop. I did stop my H having the things he wanted though because I controlled the money and I spent it. Don't I sound like a real b!tch!!!! But then we all have our faults. I didn't even want half the things I bought.
The biggest thing that saved our M was that we owned up to our faults and we talked about them, and how to not make them again. We also laughed about the faults that we actually liked in each other. My H liked having a high maintenance W - he just wanted one that also expressed her love to him. I had stopped being able to show him that I loved him as I was all 'cuddled' out by the end of the day with four children. He like talking to other people when he was out at business functions about our life style and the horses etc - even though he doesn't like the horses - weird huh
I had a lot of therapy - cognitive behavioural therapy- which I found hugely helpful and it really helped me take a good look at things and learn to cope much better.
I guess in all my ramblings I am trying to say that you do need to continue to communicate and keep that path home welcome and obvious. Why do you feel the need to issue any ultimatums? It seems the OM has gone and I would think issuing ultimatums would only put your W's back up. Let the legal side of things slide apart from sorting out your finances. Perhaps you can agree to put the moneys from the condo sale into a joint account that both parties signatures are required on for any withdrawals etc whilst you work out what is going to happen long term. Perhaps some time apart with you both at your parents will be a good thing and you can date and get to know each other again. My h and I set up friends to babysit so we could go out and just be with each other and also spend the occasional night away. My therapist told me that it is always important to have something to look forward to together - however small it may be, and that has proven to be so true.
None of us are perfect. It is just a question of if we can live with each other's imperfections and if we can change those things that are S's really can't live with. What's most important though is to be true to yourself and to look after your children.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
