Well, yes I do. First, I owe you all an enormous apology. Rather than asking you all for help, I came here and simply stated that I was leaving. I am absolutely horrible at asking for help, and I'm very sorry for my insensitivity. I didn't give any of you the opportunity to stretch out a hand in return, and looking back on it now, I am astounded by how incredibly selfish that was of me.
But you all reached out anyway. I want you all to know that I read each and every post you made on this thread about 15 times each, and I don't think I've cried this much since I was a small kid. I was so overwhelmed and humbled by every single one of you. And because of your heartfelt efforts to reach out and offer up advice in such compassionate non-judgemental ways, I think my H finally understood that this board truly is different, and that the people who post here really do care about one another and see each other as friends. I think he was really surprised to find that he was not villanized, and that you were all as supportive of him as you were of me.
I hope you all understand on some level that the 'blow up' my H and I had really had nothing to do with tailgate parties, dogs, missed dinners, too much board time, and every other miscellaneous complaint under the sun.
We had a major, major breakdown in communication and because neither one of us was paying close enough attention, we hurt each other far deeper than should have ever happened. Goes to show that coasting is never an option in relationships.
HOWEVER, this also goes to show me once again that when you think you've reached your darkest hour, the end of the line, the absolute bottom of the barrel, extraordinary things can happen.
After the 'blow up' and my very dramatic good-bye post (god, I so showed my ass, I'm so sorry), I went away for a weekend with my best friend. Of course I tell her my whole schpiel and how I've really lost hope this time I'm done, I just don't know what to do, he finally broke my spirit... she did what best friends are supposed to do, and she listened, nodded her head with understanding when appropriate and let me talk myself out...
So she finally asks, "Okay, are you done?" I nod my despondent head. And then she did what only true best friends can and will do without fear. She looked me straight in the eye, and laughed right in my face.
"You dumb ass," she says to me. "He didn't break your spirit, and you aren't even CLOSE to being done. You are a lot of things right now, but the one thing you aren't is indifferent. You were closer to the end six months ago than you are now. He HURT you and you should be damn thankful that you are able to feel pain again. I'd be more worried about you if it didn't hurt. All this means is you've rejoined the land of the living. Welcome back. Now let's go eat."
Ain't she great?
So then I come home and my H and I review last week's 'blow up.' We were both at fault. I was able to hear him, and he was able to hear me. And I think we both have a much better understanding of how important it is not to just let things go or slide in the interests of keeping the peace, and how important it is that we must always 'pay attention.' We have an obligation to speak up, speak out and make damn sure we get heard... or sh!t like our 'blow up' happens and makes things 10 times worse than it ever needed to be.
Then we had sex.
So, all, I am terribly sorry for my SNIT, and I am so thankful you all care. And what gets me even deeper is, you all just offer 'welcome backs!" and leave it at that... I just have no words of thanks deep enough for that.
You all have humbled me greatly, and I thank you for it.
